I'm not obsessed with the future
I'm obsessed with right now
         obsessed with the rain
            obsessed with your face
               obsessed with a moment
after moment

Why is it
that when a boy writes his feelings
you praise every heartbeat

But when I mention fondness
you break each part of me

I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck
I don't want this empty bed, or a text left unsent
I want a sip of coffee
That tastes just like you
I want the feeling of euphoria
One plus one doesn't have to equal two

I didn’t text you today and I’ve never been more proud of myself.

*If you want me in your life you’ll do it yourself

Forever was real when it left your lips
you meant every breath you let into me
With an open heart and,
an open mind

Do I have faith in time
in the absence of a damaged mind

The thoughts of you keep me up at night
waiting on summer and a shining light

You were the sun
I was the grass
You made me greener
then left me in the dark

Friday's are for dreaming,
Monday's are for reality check's
They never said it would be easy

The best things in life weren't meant to be
They're tough
Painful
And raw

Love can be a fire that you watch burn to ashes
Because you like broken pieces more than he knows
Vicious and unapologetic
Dark and cruel
A light knocking on its door

The fear in every chuckle
The reason for tomorrow
The past hurts and, present is pain
When you first fall, you never stop

You weren't the only disappointment
Everyone around me wanted to tear me down
You weren't the only heartbreaker
My friends did that too
Only they weren't friends
Just like me to you

Yet you can't text
'We're not going to lose it'
'We mean too much to each other'

What a bunch of ******* *******

People hurt
And people break
And there's no one there at the end of the day
Because we're liars
And sinners
Taking pride in heart's breaking and soul's aching

Changing your name on my phone was one of the hardest things I had to do
So how do you fall out of love?
Please tell me your secret
Because replacing the love with hate is not what you deserve
Nor is it something that I could perform

It's rebuilding and filling the spaces now there
It's haunting and hypnotic

The lack of words spoken
Not about romance
Not about tea
No longer wanting me in the way I knew

We were together
While forever apart
And we were strangers connected by broken hearts

I burned with a fever
While you held your degree
Friendship over love and *** over drugs
Loving you seems more than enough

To write you in colours that don't exist
And memories that are paid to fade
Isn't this just another stage of human decay?

It's a combination of the two
Of the loss and the pain
I'm almost out of tears
I'm almost out of rain
I'm coughing up the moments
I'm coughing up the laughs
I'm holding onto fragments
Of a deep and somber past

It's funny the concept of forever
Eternity
A lifetime
Day by day forming the rest of our lives
No longer intertwined

Two years is a long time to fall for someone
In less than two minutes it can be all gone
From strangers we met as the music rolled in
And now I can't write to that song or your face
I can't sing at the top of my lungs like we did by the ocean
Or watch suits by myself cause this bed isn't yours
I'm still yours
You're just not mine

There's sleep in your eyes with your lips on mine
Six bottles of beer and a checkout time
A pizza to share and a sheet of truth
Time stops that I wish that I could rewind
I close my eyes and feel our hands intertwined
I close my mind and see you by my side
Calling me beautiful every day and night
Hips pressed
Tongues stressed
You could break my heart any time

Will you continue to hum till I cry
And stare at you out of the corner of my eye
Before you kiss my tears goodbye
Going to bed without you feels like there's no end in sight
My heart can't take this
Please come back tonight
Distance is our biggest mistake
Why does home have to be so far away

Philosophical on a scorching day
Write your thoughts, wasted away
Won't you share them with me?
To be what you want and not what you need
Maybe both
Maybe hope
Odd enough to be your number one?
The art of survival has left me undone

Alcohol isn't going to help me move on when my heart is begging you to change your mind
There is not enough ***** that could make me forget what it's like to wake up to your face
No amount of whiskey could wash the taste of you
And drinking beer...
Well drinking beer was all we ever did

It's your birthday and I cancelled the balloons
It's your birthday and I drank all your *****
It's your birthday and I'm sleeping in your shirt
It's your birthday and you're sleeping with her

One day someone is going to love me like you should have
And one day someone is going to cut you deeper than me
Then you'll know
That dealing with your kind can drive a person insane

I refuse to feel bad for something I didn't do
And I refuse to say that I wish the best for you
Even though I do
Because what kind of a boy gets hurt and then hurts you
One who's still in pain I assume

But that gives you no right
This isn't tennis
There's no hit for hit
Or *** for tat here
Defeating me won't defeat your past
All it did was break my heart

You're just another cigarette that burned out too soon
And I'm just another girl left in the shadow of the moon
Two months too little
Two months too soon
Two months showed me I was better off on the moon
For a lack of evidence
A lack of proof
Aren't these craters then better than you?
Because we forgive in order not to lose
Conversing in apologies and mere thank you's
Afraid of taking two steps back
But the longer you dance with the devil, the longer you remain in hell
Hypocrisy was your finest excuse

You're like a few hundred grains of salt
Make it a thousand
Stuck in my crevices
After a long day of you
Of your thoughts
Your brain
The way that your hands taste
Stuck in remains as I trudge home at the end of the day

She wears black jeans and doesn't believe in love
But all that changed when she fell into your world
Not wanting to stretch time
Or revisit your hold
Hunting the ghosts of anxiety
Burning
Igniting
Why do I keep on fighting?

A storm surge
A call
Raising clipped wings
Soon it will all fall down

the clouds might be gray
and the sea may be too
but nothing's as bad
as when i'm not with you

those 3am thoughts
those 5pm tears
with darkness ****** upon us
and lightness bled to white

notes left on chalkboard
and tears with no flight

no message
no call
no facebook acknowledgment at all

you want to stay friends?
that's all?

no hello
no goodbye
no, hey are you alright?
i was stupid to think you'd call
we aren't even friends anymore

her heart was at a moribund
as she fell in love despite all his foibles
like a portmanteau
but her half was a deceitful equal
left vexed and nonplussed
forbearing a mellifluous tone

You’re next door curled up in bed
And I’m here replaying last night in my head
With three spoons of sugar
And two cups of tea
An attempt for sweetness and a plea from me

Control. control.
We held control
Responsible to a point of being in someone else's home
Restrain. restrain.
But don't push away
A worthy raincheck and a dance to your name

For the look in your eyes
And your place card on mine
Was a reception started two heartbeats too late

To say you care and then walk away
Don't forget to grab an oscar en route
And hold the sour worms as a placecard
For your exceptional role as a man who sold his soul
Because it was lovely falling for you
On hands and knees
Diving head first and being scared
But you're the one who ran away
With a kiss and a **** and a goodbye hug
I didn't realise it would be the last
The last of the stares
And the last of your touch
Cause I can still feel your breath on my ear
And how can I make you understand that you changed a part of me
A person so used to coldness and regret finally found a nestegg
You
The one who said not to be afraid cause you were too
For a week felt like a lifetime
More so than anyone could possibly know
Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, Happy Anniversary, Happy New Year
But not Hanukkah
Cause we can't celebrate Hannukah

Echoing in a room of memories
Struggling to understand themselves
Words stuck on a ruined tongue
Aiming to become anew
Benefits of a scam
Of a game
Of a plan
But the benefits of a failure?
That's one to undermine your proficiency
Not excluding the fact that your allocation of thoughts are all over the place
Varying off center
Unintended
But carried efficiently
Like the assumption of happiness
Of trust and honesty
Subtle hints that should not be ignored
Regardless of the fact that you're in another's door
And i'm highlighting the points that should have stood out
The warnings
The symbols
Screaming, get out.

It's a night of poetic prowess
Tape over unresolved discussions
Don't go throwing another in the deep end
As the life preserver is already flat
The atmosphere has lost its beauty
And misconceptions
Misapprehensions
Filled with hope
Become my dividing force

Why should I live in pieces?
I once had the best relationship with darkness
And you acquainted me with the light
I'm rejected by barren lands yet still alive in my breath
And how can you say you know about love
And how can one explain of a shadow and acceptance
Because until you share someone's pain
You don't get separated from your own
And that pain doesn't get separated from us

I smell like roses
taste like chocolate
because a fragrance can be a cure
joy and sorrow are equal transactions
in situations of silence
two eyes are stars
like stories are illusions
with blisters on your soul

k.g.

rid me of my heart
and rid me of my soul
because I have become the girl who is lost in yours
the near and far of the future and the past
misconceptions and false hopes
tangled and convoluted
please don't make me let you go
my bed is on the gallows
as over 10,000 reasons took away what was left of me

its the burning after the cut
the sweet sensation that's tinged with sour regret
and you're lost out there in a different place
its a compass though
reminding you, you're not too far from home
however home is broken skin
and a lack of explanations
in every escape
you become far less obvious
watering a garden
that died last winter

it was an endless expansion of noise
human noise
people that you've been before
the ones who you can't help but care for
you're only as wise as the mistakes you've made
and you're only as free as the songs you play

lie a little better
dig a little deeper
spit out the words that are trying to eat you
don't let the caffeine hit you
link the chambers
and battle the weight
achieve tomorrow what you forgot yesterday

page after page
yet none could compare to this story
the story of a girl
who knew she actually couldn't take on the whole world
as separation is a form of punishment
a destroying factor in a lover's quarrel
the love between the sun and the moon
not between the earth and the sky
so why does the day remain angry with me?

These half written stories
And half written goodbyes
And without the missing chapters
I'm just a lost stanza
A pretty flute solo
With a robust cello
Conjoining factors and hazardous laws
The pain and your breath falling together
If only it were as simple as a lone wolf
One times zero equals nothing
Wouldn't you know

Usually these poems do justice
They somehow explain the situation
The terminology gives it away
It's rather picturesque
But for once I can't
A story with no language to write it
Is one that cannot be told
And a story with one lead role
Has nowhere to go

There's nothing left
No texts
Photos
Archives of old chats
You're practically a fragment of my imagination now
You once were everywhere to be found
But now it's almost as if you never there in the first place

You thought that Canada was a part of the states
You thought that making really cheesy comments and acting like you did when we first fell in love was the right thing to do
You think that saying you've seen what's out there but you realise you want me makes everything better?
You think that no other guy has a chance with me and you pride yourself in the fact that I can't rid myself of you
You feel like I should be all yours or nothing
But I just can't let it go
Let you go
Let this go
I should be though
Cheat
Liar
User
Those are some words to describe you
Lover
Handsome
Forever
That's what you once were
I want you but I don't
I need you but I don't
You make me sick but you make me want you more than anything
This cycle isn't ending
We aren't ending
Do I even want us to?

Nature can survive without us
But we need nature
Just like you can survive without me
But I can't survive without you
Which renders you first
Tying in with the consequences of actions
And the significance
The biggest shift in demographics
However heart-centred they may be
A political right for me to say go
But you to say no
To outpost your lies
And join a revolution
But you're breaching my civil rights

The first time I saw you a bass was being cradled in your calloused hands.
Tousled hair
And I can't find the words to explain how ridiculous you looked covered in all that anger and the I'm too cool for anyone attitude.
It made me laugh
Your laugh made me laugh
It was contagious in the way that even if someone in the room hated you at the time they would release the smallest of smiles just because of you.
I don't have any photos of us left.
But I have memories worth a billion years.
The stupid code names and the stupidity in yourself

I remember the summer of 2009-2010 and how you became super reckless after you moved to New York and I moved back to Australia.
Jumping off your roof onto the trampoline
Getting into motorcycle crashes
I was 13 by then and you were 15 ready to take on the world
But you saw me as an equal
You saw all the things in me that no one else did
I was never a little girl to you
I was just...
Your girl
We kept each other just for each other
Not letting others affect out friendship or know about us to some extent
That's what made it
What made us so truthful

I remember when you told me about the leukaemia
I hated you
I yelled
Screamed
Cried
How could you let me in like that just to tell me that you're going to die soon and there's nothing I could do
And you didn't even tell me in person
You waited till I was back to the other side of the world
All those mystery appointments finally started making sense
You were dying the day I met you
You were dying when we played music together
You were dying when we had to say goodbye
Only I refused to say goodbye cause I was convinced I'd be back next vacation
I didn't get my goodbye
You were dying while I was flying over Europe
You were dying while I visited Paris and thought of you
You were dying while I travelled around India
While I celebrated my 13th birthday and you didn't know if you'd even make it to your 16th
You did though
But not your 17th
Or your 18th
Your 19th
20th?
And later this year your 21st
You didn't get to graduate
We didn't get to have our planned reunion
Or go on all those travel plans
Play music around the world
None of it came true
Because six months after your 15 they were scattering your ashes into the ocean.
So that you could go and visit every corner on the globe anyway

Tell me Zane
Is the world really as beautiful as we want it to be?
Because there's so much I could say about how much I hate it
How much I hate you having to go away
How I hate that I've spent the past four years not hearing your voice
How I hate that you chose to go away in the end
Because you knew you were dying and just like everything else you wanted control over it
You were so stubborn
And we fought so much
There'd be days where we would refuse that the other existed cause we both wanted hold over the situation
But in the end you'd scrunch up your eyes and I'd punch you lightly in the arms and everything was perfect

I miss you
More than anything
I'm constantly reaching into the air trying to grasp any remains of you
You would think after four years I would be used to it but the space that you occupied is empty and it's hard not to notice
I'm still drowning in the fact that you loved me as much as you said you did
I'm still praying that tomorrow when I wake up you'll be here
I'm still remembering conversations and tiny details
I'm still never going to let you go
Because even though you're not here, your the reason I'm still breathing.
I can never put all these feelings into words and if I had the time to write about you all the time, there would be a **** book saga by now and you would pay me out so much for it.
I love you Zane. So **** much. I've never stopped, I don't think I ever will because it's not possible.
Rest in peace my beautiful boy.

can you taste the tears on your lips
the stains of a happy summer
of a past you wish to remember
but forget
to hold and let go
a secret creaking on the floorboards
you thought i wouldn't know

oh hello old friend
did you honestly think this was how it was supposed to end
with a **** and a touch
a kiss goodbye
left glimmering in the floodlight
a sense of fear
and a *** of gold
trusting for you to not let me go

but you let the bottle slip and fall
and you let me leave to another show
you let the blankets fall back into place
and you lead your heart the other way

Hey guess what I'm in love with you. Everything about you. And I can't stand it half of the time but the other half of the time I understand all those stupid stanzas and love songs and books because that's how I feel about you. You're the most amazing person and I don't deserve you. But I'm glad you came back.. However more than anything I'm glad you never really left.

There's always so much hidden beneath the words we refuse to say
Similar to when we leave thoughts to gather up a storm on their own
So why after professing ones love in actions do we return to avoiding messages and cutting phone calls?
How can you close your eyes and just say time flies when you haven't moved an inch
You don't even apologise
Or blame the way the earth spins
Just rid your horizon of the next transmission and all is well in your spectrum
As your face value rockets while mine plummets
Tell me how did you trap me in this simulation of fun

For someone to say I don't know you could be pretty accurate
I don't know what you do in your spare time
I don't know a lot about your friends
Hell I don't even remember the name of your college
But what I do remember is how you like the colour peach
It's an absurd word
And an even more absurd colour choice if you ask me
I also know that you can't stand it when I have mehndi on my hands but you still give into kissing me
You say it smells horrible
And that it's stupid
But you still keep me in your arms even after complaining about it
So why am I not in your arms now when everything is relatively okay
Isn't this what we've been waiting for
Because we favour the sad songs over the happy ones
Our chemistry is fuelled by the complexity of our scenario
The day we lose it
Is the day we lose each other
Simplicity was never our forte

You're not as sweet as your name
But your lips are
A fury of limbs not even resisting anymore
But what makes you an even bigger ******* is the fact that you don't want more
You're happy with a tangle of words and thoughts and hearts
Pushing
Pulling
Unable to reach a point of conclusion
A cycle that keeps on turning
Struggling to accept the
The way that your pulse races into mine
Refusing for things to make sense
Because you seem to prefer the damaged ends
The open wounds
Much like the overly cliche stanzas that have become our excuse
Blame the distance
Blame the way your face only appears once in a thousand days
But you refuse to blame yourself
To accept the fear behind each touch
Because you don't want to be in love

6,380 days
That's how long I have known you for
In that time I've supposed to have taken 128,620,807 breaths
That's 12-16 breaths per minute on average
And as I'm writing this I'm holding my breathe again
Holding it and remembering the 6,380 days of memories
Because on that first day I feel in love with you and I just didn't know it
And the second day it happened again
And so forth the third
And the fourth
The fifth
Sixth
I just didn't know it

I realised it on the last second of the 6,379 day
The day we decided to forget everything
When I woke up in a bed smelling of your cologne
When you held my hand under the covers and stroked my skin
Not afraid of the possibility anymore of someone noticing
Cause I think they already did
That the two of us were in love and we just didn't know it yet
Or maybe when you made me breakfast and sat there quietly as I ate.
When I held you tightly as we zipped through the cold on your bike
The time when you held my hand while driving even though we were merely inches apart we wanted more
Maybe it was when I realised how effortlessly your arm drapes over my shoulder and I fit into your warmth
Or when we had five minutes completely alone and you wrapped your arms around my waist
Kissed my cheek
And we looked in the mirror
It was as if we were a couple
We always have been though
A couple of friends
But for one day we weren't

Truth be told it's similar to those little notes out mothers left in our lunchboxes.
We never notice them until they're gone.
They were just an ordinary piece of paper with swirly writing that was difficult to decipher.
Almost as if they're the full stops at the end of sentences we only notice once we read back over and they're not there
That's how I only noticed that you're not here now when you once were everywhere.

It's as if you have been stained
You aren't missing it
You're just constantly being reminded
When a single touch sends you into another's bed
But you never wanted to be in either

And I'm really an hour ahead and you're in a state of denial
Your words laced with the remains of sober thoughts
But it's the stench of the truth that pulls through
Reminding
But leaving me lost in translation
Like those misplaced love songs
And stolen letters
Never reaching their intended place of acceptance
A broken limb being held together with string but what you really need is a shotgun
Only it's one with too few bullets
Those bullets that hurt but never ****

No I'm no poet
Or a writer
Or a heartless author
Merely some fingers that tremble to create a picture of a waiter
But not in paints
Nor crayons
Nor colours
Nor stitches
Just merely fragments of sentences and thoughts plucked out of not my but your brain
I study you
Read you
Breathe you
Want you
Combining sounds in hopes that it will do your figure justice
Your heart
Your mind
Your soul
Cause mine was lost the moment I met yours