I pressed my palm firmly on the desk
Watched my skin transform into a pale wreck
it's a doing of dirt
But which had to be done
I was going to tell him
What feelings have come
I gulped for air
but it vanished
What I felt was a secure feeling of famished
my teeth slammed together
A force of a traffic jam
my tongue was hidden
Like I wish I was
A smile hopped over my face
Literally hopped over
Because one second it was there
And the next I'm in despair
The whole plan was over
because nerves exist
Even when I wanted to persist

today I will unleash my inner self to my class
read a few poems
and hear them clap

I have a storm of butterflies in my chest
of what they may think
am I too deep?
what will they think?
the nerves shoot through my spine
Mom says I'll be alright

as long as I stay true to me
it doesn't matter what my peers think!

Does your head feel it physically.. the lack of breathing from thoughts that rise and fall over the ***? Do your hands feel unused, marks from the pencil that you used in school? Does your heart never get visitors, because the people that have tried have died from the change in weather.

The illness started from your head, to your toes.
You are now dead, and we are foes.

you remind me of my future*
keep me in today, with you in your presence
it takes the smallest touch
the biggest smile
confident eyes; they know they like what they see
and they search deep into my soul, dive into the deep end of my heart
shredding love like water
you don't need to breathe underwater

the wicked sound of the trees brushing past
the raindrops that would have races down their unforgiven paths
the smell of gasoline because my dad was cheap
the radio on alternative again for all to hear
the long talks about life and weather
made me feel I could stay in there forever

the car rides with my dad

this was a fateful day however
it seemed like we were driving forever
when we curved out of place
and took up someday else's space
Halt we came to an abrupt stop
colliding ends with a truck

I panicked inside
at the same time-
the air bags released
and I could barely breath!

my stomach felt like churning butter
my eyes only fluttered
my dad asked: are you okay?

I said a simple yes
I didn't feel like elaborating
on this tremendous experience.

he wiped his brow
grabbed his glasses
they were broken now
shattered into pieces like grands of molasses  

the police arrived
as I stood there stuttering

this was all surreal .

my dad was furious
though he held it in very well
on account we just bought the car
and now it looks like a piece of tar

he looked me square in the eyes and said

**"honey...I'm just glad we are alive!"

My seat slowly shaped
Into a moving sphere
My legs slowly gave
To the lack of steer
Conscious of my eyes
And how my body lyes
Conscious of my demeanor
And how I traced my "i's"

I couldn't help but wonder
Does he try to hide his wandering eyes
Does he secretly wanna hear my name?
*Does he pick up on that these nerves are all part of a silly game?

I feel pretty when he's not around
it's like he's a stonewall
falling on my crown

A whisper in my ear
told me to have courage
face my fears
and nothing will hurt me
because if I'm not brave
I can't take the risks
that may have been worth it
It's such an easy thing to say
but how do I go about being brave?
Is it all in my voice
or the expression on my face
I need to know
for my upcoming date

babies cry when they are unleashed from the cage they lived in
they roar so loud
for the attention that they so need
has anyone ever questioned though
what lies underneath?
all of the happiness
all of the sadness
the tremendous weeks

here you go.

a vivid light shines above my head
is there food coming
finally something to eat?
a sudden rush of Coca-Cola pours through this gigantic hole
cough cough  
I choke on the coca-cola
"momma's got to warn me when it's coming"

It's so boring being alone in here
I guess I can jump up and down
turn all around

Momma's voice motivates me
to keep jumping
doin' back flips
and ninja kicks

I hear faint voices of my mommy telling someone to massage her belly
"oh no!"
This hurts so badly

when am I DUE
Cuz I am THROUGH

With this torture!

A thin line
is what separates our kind
from normal.

A different thought
is what confuses the masses
and we leave them behind

we keep moving forward
in extraordinary ways
proving that everyone was wrong
and we know that we truly do belong

Our techniques and logics
are very exotic
the patterns that we create
are not mistakes
and that we are willing to take
any adventure that life throws our way

New achievements are unlocked
when we don't follow the flock

New happiness is found
when we stand our ground

New gratitude is captured
when we thank our life chapter

life has never been the same
ever since we came

Don't let your insides die
help them survive

we all can think in extraordinary ways
it's only gonna happen
if you wanna be more than Okay

my thoughts are stars
I cannot fathom into constellations
my thoughts are speedway cars
they wont pace themselves consistent
my thoughtless days are like my self control
nonexistent

the air was thick
clouds of anxiety filled their lungs
whatever's going to happen
can never be undone
he took a deep breath in
and exhaled while letting his words fall out
I'm sorry babe
but I think we're done
the whole room went numb
not a word she spoke
not a move did she make
it was a horrible heart break
his eyes were blazing with fear and sadness
but all she saw
was anger and gladness
she couldn't accept his feelings
when hers were peeling
peeling from the walls he once painted
her eyes shifted away
and started to exit
while she heard him sniffle
she thought good heavens
she slammed the door hard
and that was all...

but what if I don't feeling like falling in love?

I'm tired.

A vastness of space to breathe beautiful words of love
I synthesize still with the  moon
How far away I look;
because I am

How tender and poetic, leaving footprints
I have been claimed by this world as fodder
I've been disowned by her
she doesn't want me as her daughter

Until I stop searching for myself standing in a spacious pasture
letting myself wander without a care taker

Crystal eye
circular ear
sharp edged nose
grinned mouth

what do we perceive as the perfect human
because we all have different concepts of "perfect"
we all like different aspects about humans.
that's why we fall for certain people
and don't know why.

they told me to relax
as if i had anything to relax about*

I was nearly failing every class
I was lucky to pass

I thought about things to much
my brain was out of gas

I had no time to relax.

but it was in that moment
that moment of utter rush
confusion
and total wreckage

that I let some wise words
crash to the ground
I overlooked them
and didn't let my friends
snap me back to reality

I took every day as it came
nervous butterflies fluttered about
even suicidal thoughts appeared once in while

I've never had those thoughts

but lately, they've been replaying in my head
scenes to your favorite movie
suddenly it felt like it would be the answer

to what I was stressing

In all of this madness...
what did I learn?

I didn't learn anything
I found it.

I found that as long as you are
you are self motivated

you'll be fine

and in time
your day/week/month/year

will solve itself..

and if you set aside time to relax

not think about the complexities of the world
and stick to the simpler things

you'll make it out alive

have you ever welcomed danger and hurt and it infested inside of your open sores and migrated every month with a new crew of thoughts who didn't love you. allowed with open arms worries, you raised them with hope and aspiration that their future would be engaging and beautiful and as wonderful as every last wish of a newly wed's mother.

No, I haven't either.

Love is blind
I don't believe that
Because I can see you clearly
Dearly
I can see the way you walk the world
And don't let it walk you
The way you glance at me
Torture
Because you're not mine
And everyday when I wake up
I remember you have woken up too
And I wonder if you have dreamt of me
In the way I dreamt of you
In everything I do
It reminds me a little of you
I never forget a word spoken
A book locked in my brain
For useless and hopeless days
When I haven't found a nice thing to say
Whenever I see or hear your name
My pulse jumps out of my vein
My friends can call me insane
But they will never hop on the train
Of love
That takes off every day
If my words stay glued to this paper
Then my words are serious
If my words float off
And drift away
Then I know that it was never meant to be
And that you didn't feel the same
But let's hope it doesn't end that way

Nights were called nights
Because they always had an ending of a fright
mysteries lingering around the old tree
tampered grounds only messed with when seen

what happens when we sleep
our eyelids pursed shut
trying to head off to a mystical hut

are we programmed to hide
From what lingers outside?

or is sleeping just a way to rejuvenate
Bend time

I recommend you journey
Find out for yourself
If what's outside is pleasurable
Or bound to head south

and my head surrenders

take my knife
that I so willingly abandon

take my armor
that I misuse;
never for protection

attempt layered on attempts
to steal my most prized possession..

but I may be standing in a battlefield
with my hands across my chest

It's not my life that is this see saw of emotional imbalance-
it's my day, maybe even tomorrow

but not forever

why can I not speak my mind
and why can my mouth not process
the words that flow effortlessly
in the poetry I write

and tonight.
I want to ignite a change
in my current life
find a way
to show everyone
what I might
and maybe
oh maybe
they'll want to venture
into my mind.

but oooooooh
so risky
and oooooooh
so dangerous

only the curiosity will lead
and all of their other needs
will stray behind like a shedding cat

multiple layers they'll uncover
the ones that are beautiful
have beautiful pictures and videos
well then theres the ones with devil like people
who take control of whom ever they get their grimy hands over

my mind hides all my inner knowledge
It inhabits my thoughts so they cannot be shared
why
though
why?
I have a plethora of ideas
just hidden behind an untouched
curtain
because
I don't have an answer
you'd expect me to
but I don't.

to all of this madness-

is there something I can do?

My brother had always corrected me on my faults
and I'd go off on a tantrum
of course
because I was young
but the kicker is
at school
when the same issue or topic was skewed
I would fight back
saying exactly
the words my brother
had used.
hmmm...
That leads me to believe
I really look up to my brother
more than he can see
that in the back of my head
I knew he was right
I just wanted to initiate a fight.

I love you Ty Ty <3

I want to write something more peaceful, leave out the abrupt stops and room for letters to roam free. Nearly every word so close they can almost touch but that wouldn't look right. I want you to not feel dragged along a bumpy road that jolts you every which way and it's not even fun. My worst nightmare would be to make you feel your watching a fuzzy black and white tv screen and feel the helplessness that I feel when writing this.

And you started trailing
leaving me behind

and I am known for failing
so I knew the cue to cry

my dad taught me to never go half way
well I tried to love you fully

but the thing about loving fully
is that sometimes if things are tough

you get washed up

buried alive in the debris of love

“If you ever need to sit by a fire, I’ll be the warmth flying about.”

k.m

the way he floats his head around
like a lost cause
aimlessly looking for something
when i'm around

lost causes
just need a guide
I'll be that special someone
**if you don't mind

trust no one
but trust me
in the middle of nowhere
where tranquility is a rare resource
and inner peace the prize

It's not supposed to happen like this
I heard it was a lie that if a dime hit you in the right place,
You'll eventually die

And I heard that loving bad boys,
Boys with an edge

would make you a criminal,
A bad habit
A low life desperate

But I erase all of those contagious thoughts to the side when his eyes meet mine He stares a little longer and it becomes a little odder, and I don't know why I like that. But I do

If you think he's a "bad" boy, you shouldn't rule him out. You don't need to follow in his steps, just to love him to death

Only one heart beat, some have two
Conjoined love
some people get good morning kisses
others just wake up to the sound of dump trucks
and neighbors kids screaming

I want to be kissed softly again
to know it wasn't just in my head
that people want to be close
people want to be close enough to kiss me

I don't want anything else right now
I'm missing a type of love
one you can only get by a certain type of someone

It is a bittersweet
How one can live a life
But death sounds better

That I will prepare for that day
Until that day
and when the day arises
What shall I have but a grave?

Would my life have been a waste
Or my bones litter the world

I drink the thought and choke
Because death is a dark hole of no return
Yet people get swallowed alive daily

A faint reminder to my fellow people
Live in the life you have been given
Because death is certain

Your ending curtain

This is me
not incredibly pretty
but it's all I got
    This is me
    not incredibly smart
    but it's all I got
        This is me
        not incredibly funny
        but it's all I got
            This is me
            not incredibly anything
            but it's all I thought
                Until you arrived
                changed my current perspective
                and my entire life. :)

A thousand years have passed
and I still remember our first dance
under the blue and grey disco lights

you stood there holding me, ever so tight
like everything was perfect
and just right

you didn't dance very well
but that isn't relevant
because I know your heart was present

every step you took
was like a walk on the moon
so historical
so memorial

A thousand years have passed
and I still remember that dance <3

my second mouth doesn't have to say a word yet it’s heard louder than words themselves. they leave the scene when they see the obscene face I inherited from my folks. the same kids who are so called into reading, couldn’t tell I was broke.

I'll tell you your life is perfect
like you
but I can't because that is not true
your life is a beautiful imperfection
that stands true to only you

From me to you I tell you,
if you make the most out of your life
everything else will come naturally
and over time
you will also see what is truly meant to be

remember to throw your hair across your shoulders
lay your arms strong against your body
grab a mirror
and say
I can be a somebody!

my eyes light up like the star on top of a christmas tree
then the glimmer goes away
and blends back into the green of the tree
when I remember
you always walk past me

it seems like every effort fails
that no matter what brand of makeup I wear
I’ll always look like a whale

not in the fat sense
but in the I choke on my words and spit them out kind
that I’m made of rubber and every person who comes into my life
slides right off

We cry that we are alive, they cry that we’ve died.

when you stare at the same thing
it tends to get boring
rather mundane

so my question to you:
do all pretty girls look the same?

symmetrically perfect
in every which way
flawless and gorgeous
no showing of disdain

the only separation

is maybe a switch in eye
a larger hip or thigh?

but those imperfect girls
they have got something most people despise
they have a difference.

but those differences are mighty and big
they make a twig or a pebble
a stick or a boulder

they portray a beautiful masterpiece
that you are fortunate to not have to pay to see
they interest the eye

and you wonder why

why were they ignored all of these years
left in the dust
expecting them to feel love
when no one sends it their way

a windy road that doesn't end
a curvature in my spine that can bend
a hum that creates a song
a lake in which the water flows on

My love for you is endless
*endlessly endless without end

a forceful shut
and she was gone
couldn't take the *******
so she was done
people annoyed her
crossed over her line
they didn't think twice
never cared any time
why try
when all you do when you get home
is sit and cry
wondering if their lives
are sparkling like dimes
is god really fair
betchya' he doesn't even care
because why would he be so unFAIR?

her head was up in space
caught on the milky way
wanting to come back down to earth
trying to find a way
but everything was a blur
signs pointing that a way
and the other
just confused her more
wondering why life hurts
why does this always happen to her
maybe she deserved this pain
it was the only way
to prove a point
that she needs to make a change
a better way
a better life for her
it's time she realized
that time is her only alibi
that sometimes you need to cry
to make it by
you don't always have to be strong
you are not king kong
so you can always remember
life moves on
the train wont leave without you
the airplane wont take off
you are that missing puzzle piece
to that challenging jig saw.

Flailing my arms
Tapping my feet
Licking my lips
Attempting any distraction
For you to notice me once.
It's not easy though
I walk by so slow
To maybe get a second look
But all of this has grown us farther apart
We are gliding apart into the distant stars

You set me on fire

The consequence?

Your every last desire

It was a hope

But hopes aren't real

As real as your

Fairytale dreams

And to me

I knew it was never meant to be

Because something great

Is better to be desired

The boys are birds. flocking towards the prey, girls. The ones who wade get captured first, though the ones who lie deep in the waters, are never heard.

Explain your mind
The thoughts that sink you
Into an ocean of depression

Explain your legs
That are powerless
Staying in one place

Explain your arms
Weakness that they carry
Seemingly pointless

Explain your smile
Explain it
Explain it now
Now
Explain
Explain
Seriously

How are you still looking up?
Smiling?

What I want you to do
Explain yourself.

arrange yourselves into groups of two
that's when I first met you.

"hello. nobody is left, can I be with you?"
I nodded hesitantly
"do you know what we are doing?"
he asked in a daze
"I have no clue"
he finally sat down
his curly blonde locks plopped on his shoulders
"well we should probably find out."
I scavenged through the book
trying to get a closer look
I read in between the lines
still trying to find

the answer.
that answer meant so much to me
I don't know why
why could it?

"I think we are recognizing fruit flies from the typical kind."

"oh my." he smiled
I didn't even have to force a smile
'"this'll be fun"
I read his lips carefully

"I think so too."

<3

healthy minds must go through tragedy too-
it's not that whatever we do,

we set fire to what becomes loose,
we get through it

we know it must happen to feel happy