Being at a certain place
And at a certain spot
And imagining yourself
To not be there
And watch from a corner
How humans
Attack each other
With diabolical thoughts
And spiteful intentions.

The sky is clearer than it was yesterday
But there's still traces of the aftermath of rain
I wonder what the weather will bring today
I don't think I can bear another day,
standing in the rain.

I tend to not bring an umbrella
Perhaps it's the reason why I got soaked
Perhaps I should blame myself
That I went through such a tormenting cold.

They told me to dance in the rain
But how can I dance when I can barely move?
The rain is alright, I love the rain
It's the cold that numbed me and took too long to subside.

So I walked along the pavement
After the heavy downpour last night
And watched the puddles of water
Reflecting the sunlight.

Why not look through the glass instead of looking at the raindrops on the window?
I wondered.
It rained yesterday.
I was on the passenger seat of a jeepney looking at the raindrops on the window, on my way home.
It is not usually like this. I don't usually think of the rain as a bane to my existence or as an obstruction to my path.
I think of it as a beautiful lyricless song that one would usually play on repeat, the words would unconsciously form inside your mind, your heart making a lyrics of its own.
Because the heart usually knows something that the brain knows nothing of.
But yesterday was different.
I looked at the rearview mirror and saw the passengers at the back.
One was holding a phone, talking in a hushed voice,  another passenger was looking at me intently through the mirror, and the others were looking outside- perhaps, eager to go home or reliving their day just as I was.
Perhaps, it was because of my day.
How it went.
How I went to school and felt empty.
How everything felt meaningless the moment I heard that the person who used to be my friend didn't extend the same courtesy I would have given her by saying directly to my face what she wanted to say instead of going behind my back.
Coward.
But I, a fool.
Perhaps it was that.
Or maybe it was when I shared my problems to someone
And asked him to show me the brighter side of the picture
But he showed me how I was the dark picture, instead.
I, a fool.
Perhaps it was that.
Or perhaps it was when I decided to write a novel
But when I held the pen
It felt unfamiliar
Beneath my fingers.
Perhaps it was that.
Or the days that I have punished myself by remembering him.
Perhaps it was that.
Perhaps it was not the rain.
Perhaps it was the way I looked at the raindrops on the window instead of looking through the glass.

I wish.. I hope.. I dream..

I wish
To evaporate
Into the books I have read
And movies I have watched
And to escape life
The healthiest and least sinful way possible.

I hope
To be understood
Accepted, forgiven, and loved
Though flawed
Who wouldn't want to be loved?

I dream
To write a book
Inspire
And cause happiness
To grow as a woman
Who not just sees
But sees through
Everything.

I stared at you
You stared at me
And from those stares
A spark
Why in silence
we connect
Though we are apart?

Why, from a million stars
How can it be
that my heart beats only for one?
Or am I just hoping?
Yes, maybe, I'm dreaming
To grasp a love
That seemed so far.

I feel so envious
That you do not feel
What I feel as I look above
I tell the skies
"Am I in love
or is this just another door left ajar?

And from those eyes of yours
Tell me now
Do you feel the same way I do?
If not so,
Suffer me not
let me go
Or tell me the truth.

I'm in a state of quantum superposition.

Everyday, I struggle to be a better version of myself. There are nights that I would cry because I don't want to be this weak pathetic thing who cries over small things easily. But everyday, I also get to be reminded of God's grace, love, and mercy. It's really hard to accept your negative side but it's much harder if you don't acknowledge that it's there. Still, I feel better knowing that each day, I'm striving hard to get there and I'm getting there. To the point wherein I don't have to justify my wrong actions by saying that I'm not perfect because I'm just human and it's in my nature. We are all works in progress, still being chiseled by God through  trying circumstances. (And I'm not referring, in a biased manner, only to the God that I believe in but to a God that each one of us personally believe in, no matter what religion you're in.) Perhaps, somewhere deep inside me was the hope that the world isn't or need not be just about strife, insecurity, corruption, betrayal, conflict, war, etc. That we can choose to help each other by accepting one another's differences as well as flaws and to forgive even if it's hard. I cannot speak for myself because I've been through times(and I still am going through times) wherein I still find it hard to forgive, but at least I can try to be that person. We all can. Living in this world taught me great things, having met various kinds of people taught me greater things but most importantly, believing in God  taught me the greatest things.

"He replied, 'Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!'"
-John 9:25 (NIV)

An afterthought just came to me after writing this. If you're on your death bed or breathing your final breath, would you be brave enough to say you lived and not just existed? Moreover, would you be brave enough to confidently face your Creator knowing you lived for others and not just for your self? Just a thought.

You're supposed to be confident
But I feel the opposite inside
Supposed to love yourself
But I just want to disappear and hide
You're supposed to be positive
I tried and tried
Endless voices reaching out for me
To do this and that,
Be this and that.
The truth is,
You're drowning me.
Am I expected to be always happy?
Supposed to be.
I was, I am, I'm going to be
But for now
Be silent
Your words are killing me
They're supposed to be helping me.
I'm supposed to be free.

Tell me where I failed
On being your friend
Tell me when it ended
And how it all began.

I tried to brush off the fact
That you stabbed me in the back
I knew and my heart was bleeding
And it was bleeding for you.

How hard must it be
For you to be stuck with me
That you had to pretend it's okay
For me to be your friend.

It's okay now, I forgive you
Just be honest and tell me the truth
Did you mean what you said
When you promised never to leave me
Just like they all did?

I guess by now I should know
But it's always easier to be comforted by a lie
Than be slapped with the truth
That you did not care
Not once not ever.

I opened myself up to you
Something I do not often do
But you betrayed me still.
Tell me,
What did I ever do to you?

Once I saw a beautiful bird
She was one of a kind
And when she flutters, the sun pays attention
As the clouds pay respect.

Her feathers depict unrelenting grace
And one would get lost in her eyes
Other birds pursued her for days
Some would even go for miles.

You'd somehow think she has it all
All except for one
The heart of whom she truly loves
The heart of a human.

Not only forbidden but impossible
This tale tells it all
How can a man hear her heart?
How can he possibly fall?

She looks at him from afar
He doesn't even know
A single tear fell from her eyes
As she wished upon a star.

"I don't even believe that such myths exist,
But perhaps, you'll grant me my wish
Only one and one will do
Make me human so he'll love me, too."

Oh, the poor bird who hoped for much
Who could only do as hope for such
For a dream, a wish that will never come true
Now her wing got hurt as she flew.

Oh, the beautiful bird with a broken wing
She can still fly but never sing
A sweet lullaby of a wish coming true
A lullaby of the only man she loved and will forever do.

To fall asleep
Out of exhaustion
From all the muffled screaming
And overflowing tears
That drained your energy
To fall asleep
Knowing
You would rather not wake up
For eternity
To fall asleep
And dream
Of you and me
When we were still together
To fall asleep
In a heartbeat
I'd do it just to see you again.
But I am awake
And I am in pain
And this is reality
So I must stay awake
And hold on
And fight the impulse
To fall asleep
Once again.

You are my unsent message.
The cursor blinking rhythmically,
With my heartbeat,
Waiting,
For me to hit send.
But I am not ready,
And I’m not sure if I ever will be
So I left it like that.
Unsent. Unseen. Unread.
“I miss you.”

Is missing you the same as missing the memories of you?
Or am I fooling myself once again by believing I do?

He, who opened my eyes and made me see
He, who died in the cross for you in me
I, who back then was not aware
And have always thought life's unfair.


Engulfed with the past that left me empty,
Overshadowed by all the pain and misery,
Yet Father, You renewed my dying faith,
When You said, "Child, it is not too late."

Distant
Like the moon
She became
Trying to mend herself
While secretly wishing
For someone to mend her.
While others only see the darkness,
She's secretly hoping
For someone, just one person will do,
To notice
That she also has light.
To know
The little things
That make her happy
And the little things
That make her sad.
To admire the fact that
Despite the darkness enveloping
And the stars competing
For all the attention,
She's okay
With having only one soul
To look at her
And believe in her
When she can't do the same for herself.
She wishes to be loved as the moon
And not just the moon among the stars.

I was once a melody
        Before I became a hum
I was once a poetry
       That is left undone
I stand so small
      In a world so big
      A world so full of life
Yet I feel secure
      In my Father's love
I could live for eternity
     Being nothing but
     Safe in His loving arms.

For those who are in love,
Love is a force of nature
Unstoppable and powerful
Pure and perfect.

But for the brokenhearted,
Love creates the illusion
That everything is good
Love is not blind but it does blind
It blinds you into believing
That the rose has no thorns
And that you can cross any ocean
Or survive any storm.
It creates another version of you
That is vulnerable, accepting,
And forgiving
No matter how many times you've been hurt.
It's a diversion, a dead end.
Love is jumping in a cliff, blindfolded,
And expecting for someone to catch you.
An intricately constructed algorithm-
A subtle lie,
For the brokenhearted.

Yet love is unfathomable
It's a powerful force that changes people
Moves even the biggest mountains
Breaks the sturdiest rocks
And melts the coldest glaciers.
Love is both monochrome and
A kaleidoscope of colors.

Almost 70,000 words
Still, I can't figure out
Why poetry seem to flow
When I feel like giving up

9000 days and more
Still, my heart betrays me  
I guess we'll only live
Once we choose to be happy

Can You tell me the secret?
Can You show me The plan?
My heart yearns to know
Please tell me I can.

Write me a poem
Of the wonders and awes
Of loving and being loved.
Write me a poem
Of hummingbirds
Of sirens and beating hearts.
Write me a poem
Of how the sun
Compliments my eyes
Write me a poem
Of how like the moon
I illuminate the night sky.

Don't write me a song
Don't write me a letter
Why are you being so obscure?
Write me a poem
Write me your answer
Don't leave me with an
Empty sheet of paper.
Now all's white
And all's black
I wrote you a poem
But you never wrote back.

I thought of ways to tell you
I wasn't ready yet
To move on is to walk away
From all the memories I kept.
Each day I lie and tell myself
It's easy to forget
But it's easier to pretend
When it's harder to forget.

I see you now with her
And fooled myself, "I'm fine"
But in my heart,
With a mind of its own, it thought,
"My chapter is now over
While yours has just begun."

Someone’s ray of sunlight will always be my ray of sunlight
But I don’t know why it’s different with you
That day when it didn’t feel like a day
But an hour
Of you and I, the rest blurring out of the picture,
You smiled.
And that was the game changer.
I was scared of that smile
Scared of the joy evident through those eyes
Scared of the possibility of the future
Because I knew your happiness depended on mine
And I knew somehow I could break that smile
I don’t want to.
That’s why I left without saying goodbye
Like a coward.
But you, a fool.
You shouldn’t have smiled.