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Katie Jan 2020
I find myself lost within thoughts of your smile,
Though such a thing is still lost to me.
You have form in my mind, but no feature.
101
Katie Feb 2022
101
Does it bring you sick joy?
Or do you even notice what you do?
You broke me like some toy,
And still my only purpose is to annoy...
Don't you get that?

I'm afraid of you.

See me cower away into the background
Any time you look my way;
I try to spread your words around,
But your presence clammed up what I needed to say.
But you like that.

You love to be feared.
34
Katie Feb 2022
A month has gone by
My skies sparkle afore me
Opportunity
32
Katie Mar 2022
Around and around I relive this life
Sometimes as your best friend,
More often as your wife,
And we cycle round without end.

Around and around I climb that hill,
Where I first found you lost, afraid, and alone,
Cradling the empty heart I intend to fill
With joy and acceptance as you have my own.

Around and around you move on again,
To live beyond the world I can see through my screen,
But I won't let your absence cause me pain;
I'll see you again through this computing machine.
65
Katie Mar 2022
I wish I could see you all,
And learn everything you've done
Since I burned every bridge available to me.

I was young, foolish, too blind to see
How much I could ever miss everyone.
My path of progress was a long fall.

Perhaps I'll reach out again, one final time;
Though the river is wide and I cannot swim,
To reopen doors, it's worth the risk.

The cold shoulder I turned was far too brisk,
I was a fool to cast out life on a whim;
Alone, reaching new light is a long, steep climb.

But now, as I write my way through feelings,
I begin to second-guess my hopes for contact.
Why would any of them want to hear from me?

Perhaps I should set my anxieties free,
Accept these desires as far too abstract
To ever hope to work in real-world dealings.

A compromise, then, I can do that much.
Reveal my face for those who'd seek to look.
And stand by waiting for new bridges built.

If not, then I'll just carry my guilt,
And return my pain to that ancient sketchbook
That I filled with regrets and sins and such,

And then I'll keep moving, down a path yet unknown,
Leave my pages of pain behind for those who care;
I no longer do, I prefer my positive side.

Every mile or so, I'll lament bonds that died,
But I won't retreat to my old, barren stare;
My bitter past is but a crown of thorns,
And the future ahead is my throne.
67
Katie Jan 2022
I'd rather stay in bed
And sleep more

I'm safe here
13
Katie May 2022
A quiet moment,
Without you here it stretches
For time eternal

But this life will wait;
Pondering the horizon,
Wishing for your eyes.
133
64
Katie Mar 2022
64
A cool number
Lots of opportunity
But I'm trying to write positively right now
And it's 1am
and I have nothing.

64 Zoo Lane is playing on repeat in my head.
64
Katie Mar 2017
Despite it all, all that you have done;
Hurt my soul and crushed my heart,
And destroyed all that we had won,
As easily as one tosses a dart.

I still feel your breath on my neck,
I hear your whispers when I sleep,
I find I still desire you in this shipwreck
That I call my heart, and I weep.
                
You won't leave my mind alone,
I see you when I close my eyes.
For these sins, I cannot atone,
Even after our final goodbyes.

I dreamed of you again, you see,
All throughout the night.
Oh won't you set my soul free?
And end my eternal plight?
Katie Feb 2022
"You don't need to worry so much"
Yeah I'm aware of that. That'll really calm me down.
I'm happy you rebooked that overdue meeting for me.
The panic of waiting was getting bad.
I haven't had an attack that bad in months.
But really.
******* Stephen.
59
I don't really think this is a poem, I just need to vent this panic attack somewhere now that it's dying down.
Katie Jan 2022
Pains of yesterday
Sifting through my own old life
Seizes me today

A mark of progress
The tensions holding me here
Aches and pains show growth

Perhaps before this
I could not see the forest
So life was empty

Appreciation
I was devoid of it all
Life was passing by

So I'm grabbing it
Enjoying the air, the breeze
I will live my life
5
Katie May 2022
The day has been stressful,
And my head feels overfull.

This blank page before me taunts me,
I can't seem to work thoughts free.

Alas, I'll write of this woe instead,
Begone dark thoughts within my head!
136
Katie Jan 2022
It shakes beneath me
Crumbling
Aging
Decaying
But I climb ever higher

A void sits above me
Open
Dark
Empty
But I climb ever higher

The weight on my back
Heavy
Significant
Important
But I climb ever higher

I must
Because you can't make this journey anymore
2
Katie Feb 2022
I can still recall how my heart sped up so,
Yet the image of such surprises me.
Am I still capable of love? I don't know.
My eyes have been open so long, they can't see.

I've gone back and reread them,
Those words I wrote for you.
It was from this heart they did stem,
Yet to me now, it all seems untrue.

I remember that I remember loving you,
But in the years gone by my love has dried.
What would that I could choose to imbue
Another soul with what has since died.

But I can't remember how to love.
I can't be certain I can still love.
44
Katie Mar 2017
How must it feel, to burn so bright?
As you streak down through the sky,
To become a muse’s delight
As you fall to us, to die?

I watched you fall down through clouds
Down into our field of dreams,
And as they wished in crowds and crowds
I ran to you past joyous screams.

Perhaps as I ran, I made a secret wish,
Perhaps I dreamt of fate and love,
For what I found in that earthen dish,
Was that which I'd but dreamed of
The first of one of my rewrites. It means a lot more to me this time around.
Katie May 2022
Nearly five months now, I've worked this way,
And it's finally taken it's toll.
My heart was open.
My soul is bared.
And now my mind is bare.

A full year was beyond me,
But I'm satisfied with what I've done.
142/End
It's genuinely difficult for me to create poetry I can be proud of now, I think a full year was too much of an undertaking, but I'm glad of what I've done, and I don't intend to stop writing
Katie Apr 2022
Emotion flows out
Leaving behind a trickle
Of artistic pain
118
Katie Apr 2022
It's simple to you

It's not for me

I'm sorry that that's an issue
93
Katie Mar 2022
Upon friendship's fields
A moment of ridicule
Makes my life worthwhile
61
Katie May 2022
Discounting my fears

Makes me feel more alone

I'd have thought that was obvious
130
Katie Feb 2022
It's all I'll ever be;
The hairs I missed and the blood I drew,
It's the truth I wish I couldn't see.
It's pain to be replaced with pain anew,
An endless cycle, a nightmare,
Living as this creature, this mutt,
Consistently choking on rancid air,
Throttled in hemp I can't cut;
This hell will never end.
53
Katie Feb 2022
A moment more akin to eternity,
Yet an option otherwise is something to fear.
I have days when I want her,
Yet more days when I don't.
I must live without the clarity
Of what I really want so dear;
Maybe it's simpler to just endure,
Even if I know I won't.

The loneliness hurts,
But it's all I know.
35
My math isn't working out, I think I missed a day? *oops* I'll catch up whenever I have two ideas
Katie Apr 2022
When a task is repeated
It becomes monotonous
I don't want you to feel cheated,
but inspiration is not bottomless.

Sometimes, I do not want to write.
I always do, regardless.
And maybe that isn't right,
But I won't leave this challenge artless.

I'll continue to work at my best,
Even on the days like today.
Because this time won't be like the rest.

I'm going to finish this cliché.
112
Katie Jan 2022
Should I feel shame?
I do.
Your affections seem so tame,
So simple and easy for you,
It's something that comes natural.
It isn't your fault my heart is so fractal.

I sit here, overcome with envy,
I wear it as easily as I breathe.
It isn't a shade that suits me;
At least, that's what I like to believe.
I selfishly crave everything you have,
Because it is everything I cannot have.

Will never have.

Can never have.

The jealous do not prosper.
21
Katie May 2022
I don't want to admit it
But it's everything I am
I don't want to admit it
But everything else is a sham
I don't want to admit it
But it amplifies each day
I don't want to admit it
But I can't see any other way
I don't want to admit it
But you're in every nightmare
I don't want to admit it
But I'm done with being fair

I'm sick of living in the fear
That I'm forced to live with you here.
122
Katie Mar 2022
I've looked back over the last month or two.
Read everything I thought to put down.
Sometimes I hype too much about the little stuff,
Or go into too much detail about things being rough
And the metaphors? I really went to town.
But reading it all, I bore a smile too.

Because I can see me getting better.
69
Katie Feb 2022
A single dream
Was all it took to break me

A life far more complex than mine,
I'll grant that it was not ideal.
A life filled with choices too asinine
to consider how it would make me feel
But doing anything, to look as right in that dress,
An honest truth, admittance, I'll acquiesce.

All it took to break me
Was to wake up from that dream
42
Katie Apr 2017
Does it free you?
As you fly above the dark clouds,
Amidst wings of steel and rubber,
Dials, meters, readings distracting,
Pulling your eyes from horizons
But that's not why you're there.
It's that single moment,
Hidden above that grey barrier
When you pass a break
And look down on to the
Greens and blues and whites
Of everyday life
And at that moment.

You are free.
Truly.
Katie Mar 2017
You stood by my side
Through this world of hurt,
In only you I could confide
The only one I could convert.

But all changed

My hands are bloodied,
My eyes are stained,
My mind is muddied,
Your pain is sustained.

So I told you.

A murderer, a tool for hire
I lent you money in blood
You threw it away, disgusted.
And ran, and I stood.

And the shot was taken.
The original meaning of this poem is lost to me, but reading it I feel the pain of one losing somebody they care about.
Katie Mar 2022
This should make me fear
Yet absolutely nothing
Is all I can feel.
79
Katie Mar 2022
Faulted over and over
For making a personal sacrifice
What, exactly, turns your glare so dark?
Do you see an insult or a takeover?
Or do you think this is some meaningless vice,
Just the beginning of an inferno's first spark?

Neither of us is happy here.
What part of that is unclear?
84
Katie Jan 2022
Wires and knots and frays and ends
Jungled together in a mess that forfends
Any attempt at stability or control,
Giving way to a nest onlookers find droll.
Yet it all tells a story, one far too complex
To fully embrace its meanings and effects
On the state of my soul, my body, my mind,
And every piece of art my heart writes in kind.
Maybe it isn't worth the effort to untangle;
The gnarls buried deep serve little but to mangle
Any comb or brush that dares it's depths for even
A moment, an instant, but all is to be forgiven.
For the stress displayed upon my head
Bothers each and ev'ry of us within our bed
19
Katie May 2022
Even as my eyes grow ever-tired;
I'll stay awake this evening through.

I don't want to miss a moment with you.
135
Katie Nov 2017
My leg feels no more
Holding down the printer door
Please fix the **** thing
Not really an ode but oh well.
Katie May 2022
A void brings nothing but pain,
This, I find, rings true throughout me.
A heart split in twain,
A stomach running empty.

Yet it's when my head feels full,
That it chooses to announce dismay;
It racks and beats against my skull,
And announces intent to stay.
139
Katie Apr 2022
How am I to live?
When this vow goes unbroken?
Too silent;
Too long.
115
Katie Mar 2022
And all progress crashes down.
Despite everything I've worked at,
I'm beating myself up again.
Maybe I just like the pain?
Every effort of progress falls flat,
Every day a chance to be faulted for a frown.
89
Katie Apr 2022
A thousand things you'd never do
Have become the thousand things you're doing.

But I get it.

She means more to you than I do.
More than I ever did.
Because to you she's a woman.
And that's the one thing I'll never be to you.
91
Katie Feb 2022
I had a poem ready, a light-hearted ode
To identities I'd rather have,
And lives I'd like to live.
But in hindsight seems insensitive,
Simple references to machines of war,
Turn from what was implied.
Because the inference is the key
And right now such things are taboo,
Not from some self-important sense of justice,
but because of the nightmares we're about to live through.
I can only pray;
Wishing this isn't what we are.
48
Katie May 2022
A void lies empty,
Debris clanging off of me,
Drifting silently.

A radio calls out,
Chatter from a time gone by,
Static fills my ears.

They ponder and scream,
Dead voices, suspended here;
A nightmare outside.

Synapses flashing,
Broadcasting new pain to me;
Memories not mine.

No time to live now,
Too long living in the past,
I'm lost in subspace.
121
Katie Mar 2022
By my own will, I am undone,
This truth I cannot deny.
Sins that I cannot condone
Run rife in me as I continue to cry
About ev'ry misstep I've taken
In this life I've long since forsaken.

Dreams of love, success, and joy,
All these things are nothing now.
As fate befell the walls of Troy,
So too am I laid low.
Though now I can hardly see your face,
I pray you take me to your warm embrace.

Away from the troubles of this world I see,
Where the wishes of the poets and dreamers
Are trampled underfoot of wishes to be free
Of the sycophants and their schemers,
Take me where my troubles seem large,
And hold me there, let me recharge.

Then, finally, when all is light,
When my body feels akin to a feather,
Take me away on your sunset flight
To a land I need not weather.
Hold my head close to your chest,
And praise me for trying my best.
87
Katie Jan 2022
How cruel fate must be,
To turn me against my kin.
My desperation is becoming too thick to see
Any kind of retribution from this sin;
This sin of the face I wear, this prison of a body,
I hate them for being closer to freedom.
This furious envy I have come to embody
Suffocates me as the sinners of *****.
I'm losing myself to the darkest pits
Of my hideous mind, gnarled and rotten,
And that stink of selfishness now befits
This monster who has all but forgotten
What it was ever like to live free;
The gods themselves will not forfend
This state of being I deserve to be.
This nightmare will not end.
26
Katie Mar 2022
Esoteric rants about meaningless interests,
Taken from too far within to be ignored by
Every person I've pushed my words onto, have
Reared themselves into yet another group.
Nobody can be forced to speak, or should,
And yet I'm casting a line again and again,
Learning slowly that I never learned to talk.
70
Katie May 2022
I strive to create,

Yet my canvas remains clean.

Curse this temporary fate;

As an artist, I feel second-rate.
141
Katie Apr 2022
She called me a lady
And it made me happy.

Nobody was hurt,
or wanted to flirt;

Just a seller, doing her job.
Making me happy enough to sob.

So why is it so hard for you?
119
Katie Feb 2022
An infestation
Roaches defy purity
Yet it continues
47
Katie May 2018
The fly flies so the spider may dine,
The bird thinks that the spider tastes fine,
For the bird the cat puts it all on the line,
The cat, now happy, makes his owner feel divine.

The owner, for his cat, works a job and gets paid,
The money is given for the owners aid,
In keeping the customers coming and the corners unfrayed,
And the patrons are pleased and happy they stayed.

As the good mood rises, good deeds are the norm,
As valets and bookkeeps remain on form,
Farmers keep their cows happy and away from the storm,
Now around their waste the flies again swarm.

There's this wonderful cycle, life breeds life, keeps it fine,
All men and all women away from tirade,
But as you lay happy, safe and warm,

I find I have no place in this cycle of life.
Most of my silly ideas stay that way, but I'm in such a bad place I may as well write it down.
Katie May 2022
A heart should never feel so empty;
Or at least, that's what I've been told.

But I've had this hole for so so long now,
It's hard to imagine anything there.

I long to set these emotions free,
But my senses are growing too old.

I'll simply wipe the pain off my brow
And hope nobody sees my stare.
123
Katie Mar 2022
A simple task.
A thousand repetitions.
I know it like the back of my hand.
Perhaps that's why it's a comfort.
Again and again,
Assurance that I know one thing.
Unscrewing, rescrewing,
My yellow wire to keep me grounded.

All my screwdrivers are insulated.
75
Katie May 2022
Tears are falling
pit pat
pit pat
A single thought, uttered
From a dark place, unwanted
pit pat
pit pat
Violent, harsh, and completely unmeant
A brutal call from the void
pit pat
pit pat
I hope you can forgive me
I understand if you can't
125
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