I don't remember what I was doing last year on this day,
but I know I felt a lot better than I do now
I had him
It was a rouse
I was the pawn
It's funny how I thought I'd never be a rebound and now that I look back I've been one multiple times
I always thought they saw the lights in my eyes when they really saw me as a bright distraction
I'm beautiful I'm kind I care about you they all said it and I believed it because I thought they were the world
It hurts
They're good people I tell myself, but that's so hard to believe when I remember how it ended
I see them smiling and I think of when I loved them how I still sometimes feel the same
It doesn't hurt because I remember how it ended it's remembering the journey to the end and how I wish someone felt the same how I wish I felt the same
It might had been all fake but it felt good anyway
And that's life
Jumping between blissful moments, believing there is always one ahead

You know its good when you're left at the end and you notice you were holding your breathe
when your heart is beating fast enough to make respiration difficult
you come here to try to express how you're feeling and you wish that you could feel this way about a person but the only people that make you feel remotely close are the ones you wished you never spoke to in the first place
one can admire until their heart gives out but to take chances and try to befriend them has proved to dangerous because you know how it ends
you know you'll forget all of this when you do it again and you've dug your grave four times deep, eventually coming in contact with the hot center of the earth, the heat reminding you you will only ever feel the cold of your loneliness no matter how much you burn your nerves

had we wrecked
am i okay
what about him
he was there with me
we were okay
it was all fine
then something happened
i can't see
why can't i see
where is he
i reached out
he hasn't grasp me
the sails flowed with calm jerks
the wind pulled us along
but the wind has stopped
the boat does not move
the currents have changed

am i dreaming or is that drift wood

sometimes you're like homework
so confusing
and i just stare at you
absent-mindedly
hating you
yet you're important to me
it's so hard to finish you
and i lose inspiration every now and then
but when i get high as my grades
i come running back to you

i can't wait to graduate from school
get rid of this infatuation
we would be adults by then
and hopefully this mess will be sorted out

I give the pieces of me to the wrong people and it seems they are playing for keeps
They never cared they just wanted to see me weep
I didn't know that when I saw them, though I can never look into eyes
I think it is because if I do they will see all my lies
You should probably know what they'll see so you're not so scared
I am broken and on the inside completely despaired
I had a panic attack yesterday and I scared people
They look at me as I have been trying to avoid
The eyes of judgement and sympathy for the destroyed
I'm not happy and I have lost a piece of me.
I would say it was part of my heart, but I'm still pumping blood, my chambers are boiling.
I think something inside of me is slowly spoiling, it is part of my brain and I know that sounds technical.
Though let's get real, what's acceptable.
So if you are driving your car and see a sign please return part of me this is why.
I'd rather be dead than live with the lies

I have a really bad thought and I'm just putting it out there, I could totally have over exaggerated and don't know the real story so tell me if I'm wrong.
Doesn't it feel horrible if you don't want to adopt them? Like their humans and they want a family, but if they aren't wanted it's off to another place, another strike, another day without a family. They start all over again with some other people a little more broken every time they are rejected, but they need someone to love them so they pull themselves together hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
What if they want some of the kids and not the others...do you split up people who finally learned how to trust others contrary to the abandonment and being let down a number of times.
How do you look someone in the eye then learn they don't want you and are even the slightest bit okay with it? I guess it comes with time after time doing this, but I couldn't do it.

It's really hard to be nice to you
I used to know you
You were the person I said everything to, I cared about you, and every time I look at you now I see the past like it's jabbing me in the chest
I missed you every day it hurt, but now the pain has lessened to a mere touch.
we did our time & like a boat sinking into an abyss at the bottom of the ocean, we're done for.