I FIND IT KIND OF FUNNY
HOW I USED TO SIGH OF PHOTOGRAPHY
AND YOU GAVE AWAY A CAMERA
BEFORE MY VERY EYES

ALL THE PHOTOS I HANG
ABOUT MY ROOM
TO REMINISCE ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING
PERHAPS PURPOSE

I TOOK PHOTOGRAPHY FOR TWO
YEARS
AND I TOLD YOU OF MY DREAMS
OF MY VERY OWN DARK ROOM
TO DEVELOP MY PHOTOS
AND DEVELOP MY OWN FILM
BY HAND

NOW YOU ARE LIVING MY DREAM
AND I SAW YOU GIVE AWAY THE CAMERA BEFORE MY VERY EYES
WHEN I ALWAYS WANTED TO BORROW IT
DID YOU LISTEN
DO YOU NOT FEEL MY PAIN IN THE AIR
HAVE YOU DISCONNECTED YOURSELF

I think the reason I hate myself so much
is because I have this impeccable memory
of every inch of you
every loving thing you did for me
every kisss
every touch

and for some reason
when you left
and I told you I didn't love you anymore
I somehow blocked them all away

Why can't I do that now?
When it could actually come to use

forgetting

but I can't forget anything
I remember everything

every time I wake up
I pull the covers over my head
and try not to let the tears fill my eyes
every time

sometimes I'll pile things on the side of my bed
so while I'm sleeping
for a second I think you're there
and I smile

I sit in my bed waiting
for a miracle
like a Disney princess movie
and I think I can hear your car pull up
and the door opens

I hope that I'll see your big smile walk in
and your beautiful face
I pray that I'll wrap my body around you
and cry tears of joy

I've imagined this sequence in my head
thousands
of times

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away
a pain in my heart that hurts more every day
a hole in my chest that is bigger now
a constant bad vibe away from breaking down

I miss when I didn't get sleep
because you snored too much
I miss when I could snuggle up
and you would wrap your arms around my body

You made me feel so itty bitty
I felt so protected

I even miss when I was kiss your cheek
and just so happen to kiss precisely where your drool was

I miss when I would kiss you on the lips
and you would respond in your sleep
with a delayed smooch to the air

I miss the most the every day I love you's
and the looks you gave me
for no reason at all

I miss the perfect body pillow
that was all mine

I miss your series of laughs
I miss your singing in the morning
that I would fall asleep to

I miss you
I miss us

Why did I have to ******* ruin everything

the worst lie i ever told you
was that i didn't love you
and the worst lie i told myself

is that i can get you back
because i don't know for sure

and i am terrified
and angry
SO SO ANGRY

that's why i cut myself
because the pain i felt inside
didn't reflect

so it made me feel less crazy

ha

a person cutting themselves to feel less crazy

ha

if there was a series of words that I could say
to put you back into my arms
to rewind to the week before our year
i would say them
tattoo them
all over my body

but all i can say
is i am sorry
with tears streaming down my face
i am so so so ******* sorry
so ******* sorry

I think you're afraid
  **** man

I mean you're 17 and you might go to jail
   I would be afraid too!!
to be honest I think I would have killed myself by now
   but maybe for you that's scarier...

I didn't mean for it to turn into a fight
   Ya know?
   dude?
   hah

this depression I feel
I don't want it
I never wanted it
I want to stab the ******* demon inside me
that has me trapped
in this little *** cage, in my chest

and I'm trying !!
so hard !!

we haven't talked as much lately

I think you're afraid
   I'm afraid too.
   every day.

maybe not from the Feds
but from my own two hands
because I woke up with scabs all over my legs
and blood underneath my nails
when I thought that I was ok

every day a bar of this cage is broken
every day it is like I am gifted a new weapon from my subconscious

because whoever is together in my head
whether I'm crazy or not
     we are a team
     we are an army

     and we will fight and we will NOT
     let the depression win

so the day that we (I) beat it
hopefully I have more money
and more time
and more direction

because **** dude
DUDE

maybe I'll find you
so I can apologize like a human

instead of a try-hard wanna be
poet on the Internet

I miss you
I wish you the best
I wish I believed in a God
but **** I might still pray for you

you're still a beautiful person to me
and always will be

Your bro,
      Shauna

there is a reason
passionate men fall in love with you

men
who felt nothing

there is a reason
everyone remembers you

there is a reason
everyone loves you

and those who hate you
envy you

find that reason

hold onto it

and for Christ's sake never let it go