i shouldn't have been 10 years old when you forgot me on thanksgiving
i shouldn't have been afraid of you coming onto me
i shouldn't have told you in the 8th grade that it was me or alcohol
i shouldn't worry when you have 1 beer
i shouldn't have been told you had a coke problem when I was 15
i shouldn't blame my mom for cheating on you
i shouldn't worry about you breaking glasses
i shouldn't be embarrassed to introduce you to my boyfriend
i shouldn't cry
grandma shouldn't say that i have to accept it
i shouldn't worry about you hurting the dogs
i shouldn't get sad when you ask me the same question 3 times
4 times
5 times
i shouldn't be afraid to have a drink with friends
i shouldn't worry if i'm turning into you
i shouldn't ask myself at 19 years old if i'm going to be an alcoholic
mom shouldn't say i'm my father's daughter
i shouldn't wonder why you can't choose me over the bottle
i shouldn't blame myself

you shouldn't do this to me
i'm "your girl"
your daughter

put down the ******* ***** dad you're drunk at 12 pm

there is someone that will always be your "hopeful second chance"
the one that got away
broke your heart
without even lifting a finger

these are the people we need to stay away from
because just because it was love didn't mean it was meant to be

just because he gave you a feeling in your chest that felt like the burring of 1,000 suns doesn't mean the two of you should be together

you need to remember how he wasn't there for you
both emotionally and physically

so please don't let a past love that broke you
break you again

let the love you have now flourish your soul
and turn you into the person you've always wanted to be

hold onto the love that makes you feel like you can change the world
love the man that loves you with the burning of 1,000 suns

i always complain i want to be smaller

but by smaller i didn't mean clutching my knees
and rocking back and forth
with anger in my hands
and hot blood in my veins
tears in my hair
and scratches on my calves

filled with so much anger and rage that it crippled me to the ground
making me sob with frustration
i feel so small
weak
fragile

the wind could ******* away if i let it

maybe i will

late night poetry is never something good
it is either about a boy
something you never got over

being in love hurts yes

but hurt late at night shouldn't be so misunderstood

Hurt shouldn't be the constant nagging question why I care so much for people who destroy me

including my father's alcohol problem
and the constant nag to meet up to my mothers expectations

I shouldn't have to question myself as to why i feel so much
and try so hard
to make sure everyone is happy around me

Even if in the end they're the reason tears won't stop rushing down my dry winter cheeks
and why by body shakes in tremors from the emotions i keep pent within me

I wish I could shut them all off for good
not just for my friends, family, lovers, etc.

Being alone is the worst
at that time I would rather have no emotions at all

that night you tried to get back in
wanted to wiggle back into my life

did it make you upset?
were you surprised?

Yes, I'm actually making it by without you

spooning on a couch won't make up for lost time
I already tried so hard to win your heart
dove my way into your emotions
forgetting about myself

but past poems show that didn't work
I was filled with heartache for so long
and you were where I suspected

no where to be found

But
I ended up okay

So please

I had to forget your dark eyes
and the obnoxious giggle

I poured myself into stanzas
hoping for some release

but poetry didn't save me in the end

I did

and for now

instead of wiggling your way back in

maybe you should forget too

i'm still startled when asked about you
memories jump backward
i go back into that odd state of mind i had

everything was enveloped by my feelings for you
it was crippling

but i still tap back into those emotions

my chest ached from the pain
my head constantly cloudy with confusion

but I knew that i loved you
and at that moment, it was all i needed

****

get out of my head