Holy Holy is The Lord God almighty
We stand together to sing His praise
You say you love Him, but to me I'm amazed
That you can Love God but sin against your brother,
and remain totally unphased
I can write essays about how you sit and dispraise
the opinions of  your brothers and sisters
Or sit silently with uncomfortability in your gaze
Your lack of care to the matter is unsettling, it begins to abrase
at my love for you all, it sets me ablaze
The Lord you love spoke to the woman at the well
but when you talk to me, I don't always feel as if you mean well
I'm not calling you a racist, but your uncomfortability shows
That you want diversity, without discussing adversitiy
or seeing that still the cold winds of your ancestors blows
You hide behind the politics of your mom and your dad
Trump got elected, you couldn't say you were glad
Because people in your fellowship hurt, and that's always bad
but at home there's excitement, tax dollars to be had.
you hide behind your politics. I hide behind my God,
you hide behind your privilege, I will call you a fraud
I am hungry, didn't feed me
Chained, you didn't free me
But you serve a God of the oppressed
I am thankful that He won't say that you didn't see me.

Sharp pain side splitting,
harsh words hard hitting.
Sleepless nights, endless fights.
Try as I might the pain remains inside...

Unidentified, but never left,
uncomfortability felt with each breath.
Unbearable days and unimaginable nights,
Take the pain away and turn off the lights.

Heavy breath, wheezing tight chest,
freezing and cold sweats,
feeling so close to death,
Paracetamol,
paranoid to eat them all.

Tie him to a rock & throw him into the spaces you could be.
Between a mass of green.
Down a stairway of boulders.
Over an edge.
Into the soft hum of a city
that hides behind taiga.
Throw away the words she would say
"Do not wait"
She likes to tug at you.
Tries to rip out the way you look at him when he's turned his cheek.
She wants the memories wiped.
Break lights. Stop lights.
The way he touched you then.
Now you have dirt on your knees.
And he will be too tired to touch you again.
Throw away the possibility.
That they might be right.
Tell yourself
"There is hope"
Even in the grey he likes.
Breathe in the elevation air.
Let go of the need to be.
Exist only in this moment.
Side to side.
Where the branches make a deep scratching sound.
And so do his jeans.
Exist in the in between.
In the uncomfortability.
Only then will you see.

There was a little dollhaus

I entered into it with no perception of what stood within.

A girl I never really met lived there, she tried to live there with you
But I think her bags were always partially packed
Because you told her to.

I entered in
My doll limbs not doll-like at all
I quickly took up all the space
My lean arms and legs
Filling and pulling
Piling out of the windows
The staircase
The doors.

Neither of you acknowledged that you had little room
To still attempt to live
But yet you had me stay
Even in all my voicing
Of uncomfortability
You always tried to bring me pillows
Water
Little ways to make me keep taking up space
So that I'd stay.

Eventually
Those half packed bags became fully packed
I made myself an enemy without even knowing it
I made myself an enemy while doing nothing
But unknowingly
Taking up space
Because I felt I deserved to.

You threw her out of the house
It was then just you and me
At first it seemed things might be better now
It seemed like at long last
Maybe this was where it was always supposed to lead.

Over night
You decided that I was too similar in vibe
To the girl with her bags half packed
Not because of who I am, where I am
The maturity and self-possession I have
But just because I took up space in the dollhaus
And now must too, be banished.

So you
You packed your bags this time
With no warning
Zipping up your jacket
The sound of it repeating over and over in my mind
You were so conflicted
We'd spent much time
In this dollhaus.

Eventually you too,
Were gone.

I was left in the dollhaus alone
My arms, my legs, my insides
Outsides
Piling up and out
Through the windows
Through the doors
With nothing left but wondering why?

Why me?

I'm still in the dollhaus
But I'm in here alone.

The emptiness is settling in
I knew when I moved in
And took up all this space
I kept my eyes, my ears, my lips
All of it clear.

So now that it's just me here
In the dollhaus
I think I'll just have to surrender.

A boy says to me: I’d like you more if you were quieter.
What he means is he’d like me more if I was smaller.
If I put him before myself.
If I gave him some magnanimous gesture.
If I loved him before myself.

But I don’t like you
Does that make me sound like a *****?
Because when I say I don’t like you I mean I don’t like the way you
Try to rip my feelings out and replace them to try and turn me into
A girl too afraid to leave you.

You try and silence my voice
Then get mad at me for raising my voice.
But I interrupted you just like you interrupted me.
But don’t worry. Its because your feelings are wrong
And I know you better than you know yourself.
Just ask me about your feelings.

I say I’m tired of your **** and you call me a *****.
Heartless. Cold.
But ***** I am the warmest thing in my life.
I fight for myself so much you’d think I love myself.
And believe me I do. I ******* love myself.
You try and replace that love with hate, with uncomfortability, with fear of myself.
But you’re the one afraid of me.
You’ve never met someone so unshakable.
So in love with myself. In love with my flaws.
Flaws you try and carve into my skin so they’re louder
Flaws you try and drown me in.

You grab me by the hair and pull me to my knees. Trying to put me in my place
You forgot: I won’t start it, but I’ll end it. I’ll end you.
How dare you think you can get anything from me that I don’t let you have
And you will have nothing of me
You do not deserve me.
Even on my worst day I will still be better than what you try and make me into.

When I say I don’t like you it means
I don’t ******* like you.
You will never have the power to make me feel small.
Unimportant. Invisible.
You think you can break me but you don’t know I already know how to put myself back together.

Look at you,
All happy.
The reason?
Easy,
Not me.

As much as I enjoy
Your smile
I see I can't make it
Nor be the reason
For it's appearance.

I'll stop forcing it,
Once all I saw was smiles.
Now I only see a blank stare,
As if I drain all happiness,
From you?
No let's not think that
But
It's what my mind says,
Could it be true.

The once look of
Happiness
Joy
Smiles
The warm feeling of
Spring and Summer

Now the feeling of
Uncomfortability
Discontent
Nothing
The cold feeling of
Winter

Well where is
Autumn
That's the feeling I want
The one I seek
The one that seems
It will never
Manifest

There is a weight on my head
I am perfectly capable of lifting it
I could toss it away at any time if I so desired
But to lift it would disturb me for reasons unknown
Performing an action such as venting the frustration and uncomfortability of the weight lifts it in a more pleasant way then forcefully moving it away
The weight has not been completely removed
But it is slightly more bearable
Perhaps I could gain the mental strength to leave my bed and rid myself of the anchor hooked on my skull
Or I could continue annoying others into doing it for me

I thought it would be bliss, I never thought about anything falling apart ever. He was my forever.
I was so excited every time he walked through the door
I remember his sent, his laugh, his whistle... It sounded like happiness.
The way he embraced me
Made me feel like the only woman in the world.
I just knew he would never hurt me. Did he make me feel safe? Safe was an understatement
As the years dragged on,
Disagreements arose, issues I thought would be important to him because they were important to me, left him cold, aloof to me.
His temper grew with each year it seemed to bring the house down.
The children and I never knew how to walk on those egg shells without them cracking, making too much noise, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing.
Uncomfortability became our life,
Wine became my best friend.
Singing was an outlet I cherished, I would never blow up as long as I could sing.
The separation was the longest and hardest suicide.
The divorce finished me.