On the L:
She is simple and frivolous
You are far from chivalrous
She is fueled by fearlessness
You are pumped full of stimulants
She sees the entirety of innocence
You focus on the sombre imminence
She is bright & heavenly but wingless
Your eyes are dark with wickedness
She flicks her hair, always vertiginous
You are both unawarely synchronous
She smiles to her self, radiating magnificence
You feel the bitter grimace of indolence

something is changing, slightly, hardly noticeable

But her light, it shines on you
And you find your self shifting
Glancing at her sun tattoo
She turns to you & smiles
Then everything is changed
Everything floats for a while
As she puts her hand on yours
She scoffs - 'You look gloomy & brooding'
A chuckle escapes, long ago abhorred.
And slowly it'll spread
With the help of this lovely woman
But it'll take awhile for you to get into her head
And you will show her that the glass isn't half empty,
It isn't half full.
It's just a glass of water.

Life ain't too short,
Life ain't too long,
Life is just life,
You just gotta be strong,

It's okay to be weak,
It's okay to be wrong,
Tears may unawarely leak,
Looking for somewhere to belong,
Loosing sight of what to seek,
Don't let that give you a frown,
Let nothing break you down,

It's okay to be unsure,
You'll somehow find a cure,
It's okay not to be okay,
The world a confusing stir,
Maybe we'll all understand,
Once we grow up and mature,
I know it's not easy to endure,
For now don't let conqur,

We were never built flawless,
Yes many things we dread,
Sinking in a senseless void,
But soon it will ebbed,
We empower what we detest,
Don't let that take control,
Show it who's the boss instead,
Let nothing block your goal,
The undesired won't for long embed,

———

Simply said, easily heard,
Yet meanings still seem blurred.

Simple phrases, short words,
Yet they somehow bind worlds.

Yet they only show one aspect,
of what we show and reflect.

~A.d | 25 Aug 2014

So little time
So much to do
On the staircase of life we climb
Oh the difficulties we go through

Once the top is reached
We realise it's worth
All the troubles we have faced
Unawarely enhanced growth

So little time
So much to do
Once the heart is set
No obstacle can stop you

No limit can cage ambitions
Thirsting to break through
Awaiting are destinations
Where hopes do come true

Yes, little time there is
Yes, many things to do**
What are you waiting for?
Wash away those feelings of blue

Rise from that rusted seat
Even time can be ceased
With determination you can beat
What once could barely be reached

~A.d | 15 Oct 2014

It was a hollow
- like a starvation
unawarely eerie -

and then...

To be handed
words,
their mellow core,
a mouthfeel like a heartcoating:

a moisture in the desert sand,
this withering height of a not-for-me-love.

That feeling I get, all day long,
Can't take control, just at too strong,
Missing you so, missing you very,
Why does it hurt that much, what went wrong?

Thinking of you,
I smile unawarely,
Tears find a way somehow,
And pour unceasingly..

Closing my eyes,
Seeing only your face,
Within I see the universe,
And outer space..

Echoing in my head,
Your soft voice,
That feeling I get,
So relaxed yet intense..

Feelings my checks go warm,
Knowing they're red,
Eye's watering non stop,
Can't go to bed..

Staring at the night sky,
Feeling lonely,
Wishing you were here right now,
Oh, if only..

~A.d | 26 Aug 2014

“You’ve made me feel like ****, again,” I say
to myself mentally,
Aiming it more so towards my anxiety
Yet again.
Another snooping situation, mixed into the
incapability of walking away.

I can’t leave things alone.
My mind wishes to know every ounce of
detail but I, personally, don’t really care.
I want to write, sleep and live freely
without a form of worry blanketing me and
stopping me from breathing in deeply to
calm down.

However I let it do what it pleases,
regardless of whether I’m stuck with a
depressed feeling and sorrowful tune
surrounding me.
I tell myself, “You just have to ride through
it.” And for the first time, it’s easy,
But after that it becomes tiresome and
boring and all you want is for the feeling
to go away.
I am the only person who can make it go
away, but I can’t.
I hold onto it unintentionally, as if a part of
me will disintegrate if I let go.
And so we fall into a never ending cycle of
my anxiety,
Where I ask myself continuously “When will
it end?”
And my mind tells me it’s not entirely sure
but that I should be grateful for what it’s
giving me.
That it’s giving me safety and
cautiousness, helping me not to be
percieved as too naive.
But I don’t care for that much anymore.

So instead of ridding of my anxiety,
I’m always ridding of those who
unintentionally and unawarely have
created it for me.
It’s easier to be rid of you physically than
of something within my own mind.

i belong to the beach
when i leave the house it’s my first occurring thought to go there
it might be the air that’s alluring me
or the waves which i love to watch crash
but thinking on a more spiritual level- it’s the deep sea that speaks to my soul
the big blue
the equivalence of my endless contemplation about life and what it consists of
for me- it’s all about love

this is the part when questions rise

who am i?
nobody’s first gossip call pick
dreamer without a real life
unsure if the soil i’m standing on won’t collapse under the weight of my thoughts
they’re dense and chaotic at times but the sea is chaotic too and it’s beautiful
after all i’m a beautiful person forever lost like a message in a drifting bottle
like a sweet love song that no one ever got to sing or hear
like a seashell of warm colors whose wanderlust is infinite
alas its horizon finite

who am i?
a metaphorical sailor steering his yacht for lifetime
who thought he’s seen it all
i thought i had all it takes to make it
but it takes confidence, determination and good instinct to survive in this world
but all i have is love
i’m human- i have a heart in my chest
i have feelings to cater and needs to meet
i used to desire millions and sports cars on a posh brick parking lot
a modern house hanging from a cliff with a nice view of the churning sea
and a wide balcony so i could spread my arms and catch the wind
feel like a sailor as free and wild as i thought i could be
now i just wanna belong to someone
i wanna be held like no one ever
i want my salty tears to be caught before they drop on my bed or sweater
i’d rather be forgotten than remembered for my broken dreams
if i had to live alone again i’d just rather disappear

vanish
in the waves
in the overwhelming heat of august
i dive in deep but return to the coast in the end
like a fragile seashell that i am

i get halfway undressed
i leave my favorite shoes pointed south
leave my loose flannel shirt on cause i’m not confident enough to go without
i forget the deafening burden and i forget the cursed clout
in the sea foam i look for me
i walk slowly towards the sea
till half of my body is in water and the other half in reverie
and then u come in
and everything goes the way i wanted it
i love u
i love ur wet hair
and how ur eyes reflect the sun
and i love the way u smile
and i need u here
i need ur guidance and kindness
otherwise i can’t be the real me

questions sink in quicksand
i’m as free as i can imagine

i belong to the music
to my all time favorite songs which i play and which i sing to feel free
to knock the weight off my shoulders
and i can’t even sing that well but i do it for me
i’m nobody known but i feel like a demigod on a lit stage
everyone is cheering for me
it’s all so perfect that’s it’s no wonder why i love to dream
and why i loathe reality
why am i stuck in this stupid country where i have to pretend i’m someone else?
i wanna break out
i wanna love u out loud
without having to check if someone’s looking over my shoulder
or spying on me
i wanna have real dreams not those that won’t come true
i want delusions to escape into the circulating air
my dreams stack till they reach the ceiling and there’s no room anywhere

so let me dream
let me live **** fantasy
if that’s all a tainted dreamer ever gets
i wanna be free and loved and respected and not declined on every step
i just wanna matter
i yearn for these things

what is the biggest dream of them all?
flying free?
it’s just about being loved

who is the king of my heart?
i’d say i am but i need to be lead through each and every dark tunnel
that i unawarely enter half awake
my boat is wooden and amateur and i’m still scared of drowning
in the vast sea of my troubled mind which is non-stop churning
crazily and frantically
and not leaving me alone
i am the one steering but i need a navigator
i need a lighthouse for a destination
i need a better sense of eight directions
i need to catch the wind in my sails if i want to swim away
i have a bad reputation
at least i can say i’m not afraid to drop everything and vanish
in the waves
in the warmth of summer
how can i be forgotten when everybody knows my name?

but after all
i belong to u
i’d give everything i have and i don’t have much to be with u
i want u to know
i did an unexpected one hundred eighty turn some time ago
i dyed my hair black in protest against what kept me submissive to my men
i hijacked a fancy boat and i took the wheel i’ve always dreamed to steer
and there i am
it’s a ****** that u can’t be here
i sent u a letter
did u open it?

did u feel my desperation on ur face like a gust of wind?
do u know u are the boat keeping me from drowning in this sea?
the present memory
the mirrored image of me in my true nature

captain
i’m condemned to sail for eternity
i’m afraid of what’s lurking in these waters and it’s killing me
protect me
people tell me i’ve come far but never ask if i ever wanted it
and they think i’m strong
but i’m nothing more than a waning flame in the open wind when i’m alone
i need my king
i’m thirsty for safety
i desire peace
two kings make a perfect kingdom so come to me and join me
and show me the way
teach me when to stay silent and when i can’t what to say
when to move and when to stop and where to go and what to avoid
i’m a realist
and i won’t make it on my own
i won’t cross this sea by myself
it’s giant but not as big as my love and that’s the last bit of hope i have

i belong to the beach
to the music
to someone i love
i have a purpose now and it’s the most valuable thing i’ve got

i have love
i have it
i love u
king of my heart