My anxiety sits next to me & it is not small & I am not capable of bottling it up & putting it on shelf, it would shatter the jar & collapse the shelf & I have to live with the fact that it’s not something you can just put away & that’s it always present & it’s always there & that I have to ignore it & contradict it & have to deal with it actively trying to ruin every shred of ******* happiness I have felt & I think I felt & should I have felt it? & my anxiety isn’t some entity I can kick out my house & block the number of & I can put in little ear plugs shaped like pills & those little ear plugs will just dull out that one specific droning some of the time & then I’ll notice that the other thing next to me is telling me to **** myself & the earplugs don’t work on that (they amplify it & that’s so weird) & it makes some pretty compelling arguments & that’s really scary & so I take out my ear buds out so I can drown that out with my anxiety counteracting those arguments & sometimes they synch up & that’s even better & I’m just letting them chip away at me & I’m chipping away at me until there’s nothing left & what isn’t left? & in addition & also & including &
Continue, maintain, attempt to preserve something that cannot be kept while lamenting the fact it isn’t possible.
Spend your whole life obsessed with the mystery of death & have it be the final answer to your fruitless questions.
We’re all in this fever dream together, but everyone is in their individual beds asleep & that’s where they will always be.
Forever, until forever falls apart, because of all things, that has the shortest half-life.
I am not an empty vase for you to collect your dead flowers in.
Amara Pendergraft 2017
You are your whole universe
Infinite & complex
With vast space for
What makes you to reside
Although your broadness can
Feel empty, too extensive & lonely
You are limitless, boundless,
Imperfectly organized chaos
Let yourself surround you,
But never drown you.
Time creeps by here
Lazily waving goodbye, dear
And it slides agonizingly near
Before moving on to the next year
Amara Pendergraft 2016
We ride down streets I don't know
With Spanish rock on the stereo
The street lamps are strange shades
I close my eyes as everything fades
I think of all the things I want to be
All the women I could see
You can call me before I go to sleep
And I'll listen to your voice through my dreams
I'm so angry at you
For what you do to me
As if you could ever see
How I've become so blurry
Trying & failing to meet
You're watery priorities
I'm black & white baby
And you're making my ink bleed
Amara Pendergraft 2015