hat am I doing?
I keep touching my mouth
Remembering where you used to press yours against mine
But my fingers are poisoned with pills I couldn’t tell you about
They burn my skin and wash the sadness away from my body
In ugly currents that blotch my skin and send me red raw
From scratching with those nails you used to hate
But loved when we were *******
I’m so scared I’ll speak to you
I can’t control my hands anymore, they get shakier every day
To the point where I think of you running through my veins
I can’t hold my cup anymore
I wont ruin your life again
If theres one thing I’m good at
Its chasing people away like they were cats on your windowsill
They cry and fight to be let in
But my windows are so locked tight
Cold to touch that no one can look through them
I’ve convinced myself that this is for me
But I’m so sad
How could anyone let themselves think like this on purpose
Unless it was for someone that deserved to wake in the morning
I hope you wake up one day
And you forget my name.

It's a bit different than it once was
A little harder to breathe
A tad shakier standing back up
And obviously, not enough effort to brush the dirt off
So it just sticks there
As a reminder that the fall was a doozie
A real eye opener
(Or closer if I do say so myself)
Definitely different than before
It seems impossible that the bruises should ever heal
And those scraps?
Oh, they'll be scars one day
But when?
It's difficult to say
Plenty of time to find out though
One step forward is all it'll take
To begin the process of moving on
But as the dust begins to settle
And falls like salt on the open wounds
It's as if the brain is no longer in control
Turn around
Walk
Move
But no, instead you just fold your arms around yourself and watch
Reliving over and over again the disastrous fall
And the bittersweet journey that took you there

When I started loving you, the rain started coming and didn't stop falling for years. It eventually turned into a storm and destroyed what was left of me.

The room I'm in became suffocating, and the walls and the ground became colder. The alcohol tasted better than what I feel, and I drink and drink, hoping that the cure for this madness is at the bottom of one of these bottles.

The days got shorter, the nights got longer, and I think the sun has lost its shine because I've been seeing dark clouds outside my window for a very long time. The night sky became starless, and I think the moon ran away? and I go outside and walk and walk every night on this empty street with that orange light thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I walk more, I'll get tired and I'll eventually wake up from this nightmare.

The tears didn't stop ever since, and the cuts became deeper. The blood from my skin became comfort, and the pain became better than anything else. I think my sanity has left me and I hear myself screaming. With hands on my hair, voices in my head, telling me I was wrong, and that I deserve all of this. They say that you are right for telling me those hurtful words, and I'm starting to believe them because maybe they're right?

My hands got shakier, and everything became unstable. The corner of the room became my safe haven, and my heart is wilder than ever, escaping from my rib cages, will go anywhere, anywhere but from here. I'm in a state where I don't know where I am anymore. I just keep on bleeding and bleeding and maybe one day, all of this will stop.

The screaming of my heart will stop. The blood will stop. The pain will stop. And then I will be able to look at you in the eyes and finally say, "I don't want you anymore."

But for now, let me rest my head on my knees, blood dripping from my wrists, sanity slowly slipping, and my heart losing.

I’m a liar.
I want you back

I want your tired eyes and your smudged makeup

I want your shaky hands and even shakier voice
to keep telling me you love me

I want you back
**** I want you back

Smiles
hidden behind miles of printed cloth
weddings and the Christmas we called off
people we loved and held dear
everlasting warnings have led to national mourning  
for things that have gone and cannot be replaced
and we have chased the rainbows that appeared
on every window, every door
what was that for
to make us feel one for all, all for one
until we could look up and find the sun
in its proper place
once again
and dodge the pain of the mental rain
which has been falling
washing out dreams
and churning them to soggy dust
most of all we have lost our trust
that sense that everything will all be ok
has upped and melted away
chopped down, chipped up
like the limbs of a tree
and with it our sense of certainty
the shock is profound
because we have found that we stand on much shakier ground
than anyone thought it could possibly be

As though you know
I am somehow whole
and as though you know
I can stand on my own.

but my stance is shakier
and my voice is not quite steady.

both a weakness
and a strength,
my love for you is.

with you I am stronger than before,
and much more myself.

without you,
I am much more gone.