1:12 am**
I sit up in bed.
I can’t love her.
It’s impossible.
Dark long curls
Smatterings of freckles
Bright pink lips
with an even brighter mind.
The way she kissed me
A burning passion
that set fire in my core
The way her hands held mine
and explored in between my thighs.
Our friendship had all the
promises of a love affair.
Impossible.
I couldn’t love her.
She was like a forbidden fruit
that I long to taste time and again.
We were two lonely girls
who found solace in each other.
Desperate for affection
and attention.
Ours was a false love story
But it didn’t make it any less true.

Staring at my hands,
they seem to not stop moving, and
I can see them swirling around my vision.
My head rolls back against the wall
and I feel the bass of the music move through me
as I watch people move across the room.
They're moving way too fast and way too slow.
The whole world is spinning
and my eyes can't stay closed,
no matter what I do.
A face swims into view and
he's speaking to me
but I can't tell what he's saying.
I grab his face and touch his mouth
as he asks me questions,
it doesn't help.
I knock over a chair as I pull myself up,
and try to walk to the kitchen.
I accidentally stumble into a girl and spill her drink,
I think I said sorry but I can't tell.
I grab the first glass I see,
an eclectic blend of Gatorade, Red Bull, ***** and tequila.
It burns going down
and my stomach rises into my mouth.
I feel my body slow down as I try to move
towards the back door.
I can't grab the handle the first two times I try
but the third time works, and I'm outside.
A girl I recognize is shirtless
and is dancing to her whatever song
is in her head.
Something in me strains and snaps
and before my brain has caught up,
her hands are under my shirt
and we're kissing.
I don't remember if it was good
or not, but I woke up the next morning
with her lipstick and hickies on my
body so it must've been something.

I don't know if*
   I'm ready to fall in love with
   the boy who makes sunshine
   on rainy days, and is the best part
   of the great days.
   Whose hugs feel like safety, and
   kisses like heaven.
   That's not to say he's innocent,
   because there's no hell like the
   burn I feel when he's between
   my legs, and his hips are on mine.
In the grey sky dawn of a Tuesday,
   the one patch of sunlight
   between my shuttered window
   hits the roses perched by my
   bedside, and I wonder if
   the boy made of stardust, and
   chocolate, and soft touches
   should be mine,
   because I'm falling apart,
   and coming back together
trying not to love him too.

Before he fell asleep, he told me
you're my kind of imperfect which makes you perfect.
I felt my breath catch in my throat
in a breath he wouldn't hear.
I have picture perfect moments of him.
The way he sings along to the radio,
in that old fashioned, back roads way.
The way he doesn't let go of my hand, ever.
No matter what he's doing.
The way he purses his lips, and squints his eyes in a playful manner
when he's teasing me.
The way his lips are always gentle on me,
not as if I'm fragile, but because he values me,
as if he knows I'll fall in love him because he refuses to hurt.
The way he moans when he enters me,
and our bodies come together.
The way he laughs with his whole body,
and tilts his head back.
The way he looks at me when he knows I'm hiding something from him,
and gently pulls it out with soft touches and calm words.
The way he buys me flowers every two weeks,
like clockwork, but still manages to surprise me
every time.
I never intended to fall in love with a nice boy,
who's from a small town and has dreams
bigger than this open, farming sky,
who believes in the people of this world,
whose thoughts sometimes keep him in bed
all day,
and make his beautiful brown eyes
have that sad tilt.
Even when he's smiling.
But here I am.
And it's happening.

i've never met anybody with the same
soul searching, billowing dream,
road wandering, life seeking
love like me.
you and your dark eyes,
that lighten in the presence of the sun
from outside and within,
turning them into warm brown honey,
i think you melt me with your stare
and i don't want to solidify ever again.
you're changing me inside and out,
unlocking more and more parts,
maybe soon you'll have my heart.
your mouth on mine loosens up
my words and mind
and i find myself ever opening to you
lets go slow you whisper to me.
from my bedroom floor,
i can't promise anything but myself.