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sleeplessnxghts Dec 2013
I.  
A rumble of a failing engine and an abandoned heart does not always make for the best mixed drink you’d typically order at the bar
The gasoline fumes rising towards my nostrils, the taste replicated on the taste buds, not exactly the main course you’d hope to appear on the main entrée menu
The shrinking world swallows my perception, and all I can see are endless forests with an unending road, not exactly the picturesque view you’d pick from the 5-star hotel you presumed to stay in comfortably

II.
Recurring whiplash carries me deep within the foliage of the woods, where the bristles from the furious trees feel like spikes brushing across my fragile skin
My thoughts are encompassed by my wildest fears, intensifying the pitter patter in my chest, nearing a detonation, but no witnesses to confirm or deny it
The limbs outstretch themselves and enfold me inside a hallowing clasp, resemblance of an agonizing chokehold
The fires begin slowly, but hurriedly strengthen into a sore, sweltering sensation that hastily seizes control over my nervous system, rendering me helpless with no one to soothe me from it, for isolation is the true affliction of it all

III.
And suddenly I am traveling through a dark neighborhood, the ones we were all warned about as adolescents, as the lamp posts house stood-up lovers and lost souls who are trying to catch a fresh thought aside from the filthy repetition we are provided with
The light bulbs flicker and the yellow paint dividing the two paths incases my thoughts, stimulating every sensory input to intake the detection of safety between the two opposite directions, because once a path is chosen, returning is forbidden
This social deprivation surely beholds my salient inner pain, as I cannot confide in anyone on this lonely road except for the shining Milky Way and smiling crescent moon, eons away from my reach

IV.
Foaming salt water crashes over me, encumbering my lungs from performing their simple task successfully, caught in a riptide sensing my discomfort with reality and self-hatred brought upon by the overriding waves that deteriorate my sanguinity
I cannot control anything in my life and the sea acknowledges this weakness, What a real favor it is! Killing me, for me, subduing the airflow right out of me but also purifying my corrupted being, freeing my aggressions, letting go of faulty hearts, and ensuring arcadia by ripping away a future I could not survive in
The sunken sailors in their sinking ships do not drown by choice, like I, but they may not be as grateful for the gift of release as I am
I realize I may have a shot at social encounters, until I gather that the glass wall that separates me from the world is unbreakable, and the water pressure is much too great to fight through, so I must die alone

V.
As my vision fades to black, I am awakened once again, stranded on this Earth, this place where life exists but living does not
And I feel like ever since the door slammed shut as I collapsed in cascading tears on the floor in your favorite white button down, I’ve been a bit lonesome and defunct, my mood has a constant sullen adjective attached to it
Adventure and spontaneity meant everything to you, and I took on the same attitude, breaking out of my comfort zone and implementing yours instead
What once was now lingers as a painful memory and acts as a narcotic because I am experiencing a difficult withdrawal of your voice, and I cannot last much longer before the insanity devours me from the inside out

VI.
As the hourglass passed all of the time, your personality withered as each interest you held dear to your heat contracted into an abhorrent piece of art, dedicated to miserableness
And as your presence no longer fills up my time, maybe I too am disappearing, or so I wish
Because losing you to yourself felt like being stranded in the middle of nowhere with an unceasing life of despondency and unanswered questions
It felt like being burned alive to ashes from a forest fire, so deep in that not a single person would notice its evanescence
And worst of all it felt like drowning, as my control slipped away from the tight grip I once had, like nobody could resuscitate me from
I play over every doting moment with you over in my head as my mind slowly fades to darkness, a blank state of depression

VII.
So tell me from the heavens once more that I do not need you, because you see what I am experiencing in your absence
Maybe I need you as a constant in my life and not a fleeting breeze in the persistently bipolar wind movements
But you bolted the moment the poisoned fog touched your fingertips and your fear took you away from me
So how can I possibly hold on, when I am clearly alone and depressed?
I know death is merciful compared to losing my one true love
Tell me you’re listening, I need someone to talk to
I cannot leave all these words left unspoken
Nigel Morgan Jun 2014
A suite of fourteen poems

for Alice, always

I

Cutting for Silage

Seen
on the path close to the field edge
a swathe of green grass cut,
Left
in the wake of the machine
to dry in the hopeful sun,
Rich
in a profusion of grasses,
glimmers of wind flowers,
weeds and tares.

Seen from afar
the cut fields partition this landscape
with stripped overlays
packaging the valley,
dark green rows revealing
the camber and roll of
a naked field shorn,
Dark upon light.

II

Walk to Porth Oer

Where the sand whistles
and windy enough today
for the tinnitus to set in,
we’ll walk the curve of its dry fineness
left untouched by the tide’s daily passage
up and back

before
and along cliff paths,
from the mountain
past secret coves
whose steep descents
put the brake on all
but the determined,
beside shoulders of grasses
bluebelled still in almost June
now hiding under the rising bracken
up and down

we’ll walk to a broad view
of this whispering bay
where below on the sandy shore
dots of children
tempt the slight waves.


III

Cold Mountain

Whether  a large hill
or officially a mountain
it’s cold on this higher place
wrapped in a land-mist,
the sea waiting in breathless calm
where the horizon has no line,
no edge to mark the sky.

Any warmness illusory,
in sight of sun brightening a field
far distant, but not here,
where waiting is the order of the day,
waiting for grass to shine and sparkle,
for bare feet to be comforted
by sweet airs.

Meanwhile the sheep chomp,
the lambs bleat and plead,
the choughs throaty laugh
a shrill punctation, an insistence
that all this is how it is.


IV


China in Wales

In my hermitage
on this sea-slung place,
a full-stop of an island
back-lit illuminated always,
I view the distant mountains,
a chain of three peaks
holding mist to their flanks,
guarding beyond their heights
a gate to a teaming world
I do not care to know.


V


Wales in China

O fy nuw, I thought
my valley only owned such rain,
but here it teams torrential
taking out the paths on this steep
mountain side. Mud
everywhere it shouldn’t be.
Everything I touch damp and dripping.
No promise of pandas here.
And there’s this language like the chatter of birds,
whilst mine is the harsh sibilants of sheep
on the hill, the rasp of rooks on the cliffs.


VI


Boy on the Beach

Heard before seen
the boy on the beach,
a relentless cry
of agrievement, of
being badly done to.
This boy on the beach

following his mother
at a distance
then no further.
‘I hate you, ‘ he screams,
and stops,
turning his back on the sea,
folding his arms,
miserableness unqualified,
no help or comfort
on the horizon he cannot see.
It is attrition by neglect.
He becomes silent, and called
from a distance, relents
and turns.


VII


The Poet

Austere, his mouth
moved so little when he spoke,
you felt his words
were always made in advance,
scripted first
and placed on the auto-cue.
Ask a question: and there’s a long pause

as though there lies
the possibility of multiple answers
and he’s running through the list
before he speaks, his antenna
trained on the human spirit,
full of doubt, doubting even
belief itself.


VIII


A Gathering

Thirty, maybe forty
and not in a lecture room
but a clubhouse for the sailing
look you. And we did,
out of the patio doors
to the sun-flecked sea below us,
here to honour a poet’s life and work
in this village of the parish he served
at the end of the pilgrim’s path .

Pilgrims too, of a kind, we listened  
to the authoritative words
of scholarship where ironing
the rough draft found in the bin,
explaining the portrait above the bed,
balancing the anecdotal against the interview,
reading the books he read
become the tools of understanding.

But the poems, the poems
silence us all, invading the space,
holding our breath like a fist.



IX


In the Garden

He came alone to sit in the garden
and remember the day
when, with the intimacy of his camera,
he took her, deep into himself;
her look of self-possession,
of calmness and confidence,
augmented by butterflies
motionless on the wall-flowers,
and the soft breath of the blue sea,
her soft breath, her dear face,
freckled so, his hand trembling
to hold the focus still.


X


The Couple from Coventry

Young beyond their years
and the house they had acquired
but only to visit at weekends for now,
they drove four hours to open the gate
on a different life, a second home
requiring repairs on the roof
and replastering throughout.

With their dog they were walking
the mountain paths, checking out the views,
returning to the quiet space
their bed filled in an upstairs room
echoing of birth and death:
to experiment further with loving
before the noise and distraction
of children swallowed up their lives.


XI


On Not Going to Meeting

There was an excuse:
a fifteen mile drive
and a wet morning.
He had a book, a journal
that might focus his thoughts
towards that communion of souls:
a silence the meeting of Friends
sought and sometimes gathered.

These experimental words
of a man who felt he knew
‘I had nothing outward
to help me,’ who then, oh then,
heard a voice which said,
‘There is one, even Christ Jesus,
that can speak to my condition
. . .  who has the pre-eminence,
who enlightens and gives grace
and faith and power.’


XII


New Life

From behind its mother
the calf appeared
tottering towards the gate,
but after a second thought,
deeming curiosity inappropriate,
turned back to that source
of nourishment and life.


XIII


A Walk on Treath Pellech

Good to stride out.
Good to feel unencumbered
by the unconfining space
of beach and sea, a shoreline
littered with rocks and shallow pools,
sea birds flocking at the tide’s edge.

Alone he sought her small hand
and wished her there over time and space
so to observe what lay at his feet,
that he might continue to look
into the distance with a far-flung gaze.


XIV


The Owl Box

James put it there.
One of forty
all told but
empty yet.
‘We live in hope,’
he said.

Slung from a bough,
bent and bowed,
on a wind-shaped tree,
a hawthorn blossoming still,
(inhabited by choughs a’nesting)
the box hangs waiting
for its owl, her eggs,
her fledgling young
who are not hatched together
but are staggered as though
to give the mother owl some
pause for thought.

Meanwhile the nesting choughs
tear the air with tiresome croaks,
a bit of rough these black characters,
neighbours soon to the delicate mew,
the cool, downy white of the Athene noctua.
The poet celebrated in this suite of poems is R.S.Thomas.
Anya Oct 2018
Category 2,
not too bad...
Swirling, whirling
Pounding, hounding
Rolling, Spinning
But
Manageable

Category 3...
Freight train,
coming from every direction
Major, but nothing new

Just an hour
Hold on,
We'll pull through

Pressure suddenly
DROPPING
Ears constantly
POPPING

Category 4,
...
Too late
My father's sharp
Breath

Pieces of homes
ripped off like flakes of skin
Leaving the ground barren
Only the bear bones
possibly remaining
Till they too,
are forcefully wrenched
apart,

A majestic structure,
now reduced
simply,
to *******

Mother nature
hurling trees
in her
wrath

All-
...
Gone,
in
a
matter
...
of seconds

The roar
mirroring the one,
in my head-telling me to
get
Get OUT
NOW

The world...
a symphony
of rage, ferocity, passion
Violent reds,
splotches of
orange and fuchsia
That,
I unfortunately,
seem
trapped within
As the clashes and roars
Waves and cutting wind
Swirl around me, I wonder,
is this,
what an insect feels like,
stuck in a washing machine?

Come to bed,
my father calls
I go,
reluctantly,
to the pillows and covers
that should be warm and soft,
but to my touch,
appear frigid
stiff

My eyeballs
practically popping
until at
some unknown time,
they shut
and I
SINK
Sink
sink

...

...

Sunlight streams in,
A dream?
Perhaps...
Possibly...
Maybe...
Oh, if only...

Unable to contain the hope,
I leap up to my window-      And freeze

Debris-
not trees,
not homes,
not anything
Just a mass of objects rendered useless and stamped with the label of
-DEBRIS
...
My father says,
No more running water

My neighbor's little blue
shed,
...
in shambles

Yet,
as I step outside
After what seems,
like a long arduous battle
I was an unlucky
Bystander
caught in the middle
of

Yet,
Despite the
churning feeling
in my stomach          The broken battered *******,
the ruined property       The, miserableness
Of the situation

But then again...
As my father,
fervently
prays
praises
Thanks the Lord
...
My mind,
is blown away
As I stand,
In awe
as my eyes take in the majesty
of those few,
solitary,
hundred year old houses
...
still standing
To clarify-I was not in hurricane Michael, this is only my attempts at imagining what happened coupled with you-tube videos.
Above the appalling ruin, you created an icy universe.
I received nothing but shock, my eyes wandering around in miserableness. I used to yearn for garden lullabies. Deep into your bewitching gaze, I couldn't ask for more, but I committed some tender rituals within your velvet lakes, overdosing on the sanctuary when crows were nearby, cawing for more melancholic offerings.
What kind of obligation would make your full-time miracles mine?
Luis Valencia Jul 2018
You
You were a work of art
Made from golden strokes of light
A picture of a thousand solar flares

You were a quiet wind
In the still of the night
As the leaves danced in the wind
You followed in their footsteps

You were a queen at a young age
Born to rule
Given every chance to be successful
Yet you wasted it on a boy who couldn’t love you

While you rotted away from a broken heart
Your parents tried to save you
They tried to paint you in gold
And remake the art work
That showed who you were

You took their brushes and ripped them to shreds
You gathered their paint and smeared it across a canvas Of miserableness
You tried to ruin each piece of art they made of you
When you crushed their brushes they were sent to tears
Yet they started painting with their fingers trying to reach out to you

You slowly realized that you were gold
And when you saw the art that showed who you were you began to cry
Tears of golden lace and crimson made way for the shower of rose patches on your cheeks

You are loved
Andrea Olmos Aug 2017
She is a little bit broken, just like me.
This is what makes her so captivating.
She pulls me in with those brown eyes of hers that reflected deep melancholy.
She is definitely quite similar to my melancholies.
The pain in her eyes drew me in because she made being broken seem as though it is grand and exquisite.
Her pain was so beautiful and dark in the way that she still wanted something out there to take it out of her.
You could tell she was somewhat of a hopeless yet sweet creature.
Crawling around aimlessly as though she were on delicate glass, afraid to cut herself and others. She believed in many ideas and people, practically everything, except herself.
People around her envied her but she had no idea.
Her life was as chaotic as the ocean filled with lovely little beasts.
There was fearfulness flowing around her, but none of that mattered to her, because she still believed, naively, even so she believed.
Feeling anything with her was unlike anything you could ever imagine.
Most people were phenomenal at making broken look unattractive. It was easy.
Her darkness was worth drowning in and everyone wanted to have the last breath in her miserableness.
When I met her I could tell that her feelings toward me were a mix of hatred and love.
Because she wanted to feel an emptiness like mine. It was a hunt a consensually sad hunt.
And I wanted to feel all her emotions at once.
HOPE Jan 2021
I aways look happier
In my twilight phantasms
For a minute until these eyes open
Then its back to reality of miserableness
DrJames Martin Sep 2018
He came into their yard one dreary day,
Hoping that he there from the rain could stay.
They gazed at him standing there in his miserableness
And quickly realized that he would be more than a guest.

He could not have been more than a few months old,
Standing there timidly yet trying to be bold.
Friendliness he showed with wagging tail,
Convinced that in their favor he would prevail.

They gladly welcomed him into their home,
Wondering from where he had so carelessly roamed.
No average pup was this lovely pooch,
They could not, therefore, name him “*****.”

They contemplated for more than an hour or two,
To reach a conclusion for a name that was new.
It could not be “Rover” or simply “Fido”,
Because of his class, it must be Phydeaux.
labyrinths Dec 2013
i'm so sick in the head i couldn't get out of bed this morning. and all i want to do is turn this sinking feeling that's screaming, "worthless, worthless, worthless" into an art that makes your breath hitch and your eyes swell with tears because it's so ******* beautiful. i want everyone i know to feel proud that they knew me and not ashamed or embarrassed. i want everyone i once knew to swell with pride at the thought that i overcame everything and i became someone else. i want to be like morrissey or ian curtis or sylvia plath. (is there no way out of the mind?) i want to be every cliche you could possibly imagine. i want my words to settle in your soul and make their home there and never leave until the day you die. i want my words to be the cloud you live on when you die.

i want to bury you in words.

it's reached that point where i know that i'm insane but i don't know what to do about it. i hardly even know who i am or where i am or what i'm doing or why i'm doing it and am i dreaming? when's the last time i slept? when's the last time i was okay? are you okay? are we going to be okay? do you love me? is this love? how soon is now? i am sinking further and further into this sea of depressionanxietyinsomnianeurosis. and no one has noticed. but i'm okay when i'm with them or when i'm talking to you or when i'm talking to her but i hate being this dependent because i'll just be left alone again and god no i can't stand being left alone not after what happened last time please don't let me be alone.

depeche mode.

i'm so crazy i'm not even sure i'm real anymore. i need someone to reach out and touch me and tell me that they feel the skin and my racing pulse beating in time with the music and promise me i'm not made out of porcelain. but i need someone i trust because i am paranoid of liars.

trust issues.

you promised you wouldn't leave. you told me i was everything to you. you said i was your best friend and you trusted me. and then you left. you left me for something more important. you left me and you said you were happy so i guess i have no right to be angry. not if you're happy. your happiness is the bane of my miserableness. and how ******* pathetic is that? i mean, really, i'm not miserable because you're happy. i'm miserable because y o u b r o k e m e to be happy.

you, just like a dream.

and i guess i can't really be upset but i guess i thought i was a little more to you than what i was (even though you gave me no reason to believe so) and i guess i wan you to feel as tragic as i do and maybe that's crazy to want someone to be sad but i don't want you to be sad i just want you to care about me and i don't want you to love anyone else and maybe i'm nothing and my skin is scarred and i could never make you laugh but i'm sorry i really am i just wanted you to be happy but i guess what i really wanted was for you to be happy with me and i wasn't capable of that and i let you down so i'm sorry, again, for being too much but also not being enough.

love will tear us apart again.

                            f u          ck        i  t
                                                                   a *ll
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2024
what sort of punishment is this?
i beg to differ
should anyone insinuate otherwise:
that is isn't some sort of macabre
way of polishing shoes...
two days strapped to the bed...
unable to eat all too able to sleep...
did this torture arrive while
Taylor Swift's army scrutinized
the internet for the comments
and came with the idea
that her concerts were somehow
safe spaces for all:
how as the security team we didn't
receive bomb threats otherwise
****** frustrations and ****** deviations
how there wasn't a male
******* in the vomitory and then
exposing himself
because the ratio of male to female
toilets was so unaccommodating
and how the women would
take advantage and just simply
walk into the male toilets unannounced
and... i assume: or... i even hope
that they wouldn't be caught *******
into the urinals...
that would really be a Duchamp
moment of how to treat the rainbow
brigade of confused sexuality...
i wish i was drunk a little more:
it's not Edie is giving me heartache
because i'd rather do my driving license
on Kauai than spend another 2 or 3 weeks
on this godforsaken continent...
imagine melancholy
imagine lethargy
and a sloth that's a catharsis...
this is me: at my best estimation:
resetting...
i don't know what for...
but i'm in no way in control: able...
to summon a will to live...
if i'll be able to bounce from this
i'll be remotely happy...
but so much lies so much undercurrent
narratives
how this one, elder gentleman
insinuated:
and they called me obtuse...
for whatever reason... this Gen Z
candy can crush...
         candy can crush...
        cancan dancers aged 14 new age
brave new world feminism
and into the mix thirsty men from
Arabia: these female dissonance this
losing my plot and my think
it's only, now, sinking in...
                  but... if i allow myself
to concentrate on words:
because i'm not writing this from an abode
of ****** frustration, constipation blah blah...
a genuine concern:
how long do these women "think"
they can pull off the walk-around
pithy for a harem...
           pithy for a harem...
i actually had to look up the meaning
of the word: pithy...
personally? i think it's adequate...
if you think about it...
given i've seen so much white flesh
and it felt like an epileptic fit
with strobe lighting to boot...
and it just is... somehow: not annoying?
somehow there isn't an overload
of sensation, stimulation...
the way these women unabashedly just
parade a faking of innocence
and then groom the younger siblings
into committing the same sin
of over-exposing males to their finicky
travesty?
seriously, seriously:
i'm paying the price of working
security at a Taylor Swift concert...
i usually drink but this is not
me dealing with the afterthought
of drinking too much:
i've seen too much...
i just walked into hell...
i walked into hell 7 ******* times...
and Islam is not going to just
justify to me that
a just reward is 72 virgins waiting for me
as i try to persuade the minds
of people: i'm about to ****...
to tell me: Allah is the highest theonym
because Allah is not the highest theonym:
YHWH is... the cyclops...
                     Y
                H       H
                     W

the Ukrainian girl i was working
with when i was sexually harassed:
oh we talked about history, Perestroika...
cannibalism under starvation conditions...
     and Polish, L'viv...
                                  NIC and NIĆ
(nothing and thread)
              clearly... she started cackling
like a magpie and a Babayaga all the same...
thus the touching pointers of each
letter in the theonym

but now i'm going to concentrate on what
i concentrated with her, dear, Victoria,
i hope you don't mind...

/   Ъъ Ъ ъ твёрдый знак
'hard sign'
[ˈtvʲɵrdɨj znak] ⓘ еръ
[jer] [∅] ʺ silent, prevents palatalization of the preceding consonant объект obyékt
"object" – U+042A / U+044A
Ыы Ы ы ы
[ɨ] еры
[jɪˈrɨ] [ɨ] y General American roses (rough equivalent) ты ty
"you" – U+042B / U+044B
Ьь    /

                              ЪЫЬ

because i dated a girl from St Petersburg
and she was into literature
and a daughter of a timber oligarch from
Siberia and when
i met her grandmother she told me
it was her mother
and when i met her mother she told me
it was her sister
and when i met her father
she forgot to tell me her sister was,
her mother was, married to him...

i can get ****** up on philosophy and drinking:
but women... they get off on
something, completely: else...
so me going to a brothel
was kind of sobering...
psychiatrists, priests, prostitutes...
the sacred trinity of who you talk to:
don't trust me: i'm the fourth wheel
in the machinery: i can be truthful but
i can also be flamboyant: poetry is thus...
Muhammad was right to distrust us...
but that was a time long before
journalism came along...
now we're the lesser evil...
i don't sing pretty i don't rhyme...
but apparently the Quran is...
wait... what is it?
supposedly the envy of poets?
the Quran is a poem: like no other?
Gabriel suggested that?
                 wow!            spectacular!

or maybe the past 2 days i've been tortured
because i made an honest critique of:
so the Pakistanis say they
are the purest of races...
yet... they end up... ******* on the toilet seat
in a public toilet:
for me... to later imagine...
tapeworms of the microcosm
able to travel through *****
and osmosis
into my buttocks... to later become
dead white blood cells of Beelzebub's kiss
as i squeezed them out from my face...
is that... it?!
and this whole jumping of the queue
when signing out:
so i did say: ******:
is this concept of queue something
too metaphysical for you to comprehend?
are we standing here for: ******* alms?!
so what, the, ****?!
clearly we're not going to get along
any more...
i'm going to bail or i'm going to
zero myself out of this whole life...
pattern: just jumbling words right now...
i keep my sanity with my cat...
testing: if i can go with 2 days of not
eating properly: they can survive
with me neglecting them
should this aura of grey and miserableness
not lift me from my slumber...
because it's clarifying in its devastation
of immobilizing me...
i have been... immobilized...

so what? i can breathe but i can't speak:
is this the Taylor Swift critique of getting
sexually harassed or is this me telling
the ******* UMMAH
that your puritans are retards and
**** on toilet seats in public?!
you *****... you skivvy ***** *******...
i know you...
you're ******* ***** squalor seminal
indentations of what the Europeans
thought of the Jews in the 20th century...
we have to deal with these new incursion
of bad hygiene: once more?!
oh please... justify your singing the Surah
to the ******* stones...
you ***** ugly, *******...
cousin-******* 6th finger short on each hand!

p.s. i hope you do realize:
what's happening in Ukraine right now?
that's called target practice...
my own people are stupid
i don't even know why Nietzsche would
envy being a ******...
oh sure sure: i'm not hearing anything
concerning the French of the Slavic realm...
but sooner the Slavs...
succumb to this ****** Germanic thinking
that's not even remotely considerate
of...               the Slavs would sooner wage
war with each other than allow
any parasitical thinking into their realm...
this woke ******* monstrosity
without god, this hybrid fuckery of anti-vitality!

— The End —