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Killing each other by expectations.
Or suffocating each other by imprresing?
Hands down to those who lived with this mad world full of judging.

Entry ~
*How can one person change so much in a single month. I've been walking under the same sun, but passing beneath different streetlights. I haven't been traveling long. I've been gone from my hometown for about three months. I miss the snow covered trees. The cool familiar sensation of the Lake Erie breeze. I miss the tulips in spring that seem to pop up wherever they please. I miss the big blue house with white window frames sitting on the corner of Temple Street. The big garden out front surrounded by an electric fence to ward off deer. That place was my refuge. My sacred ground. I was born into a family twisted from life. I was lost during my childhood, and for most of my teen years. I was a hopeless kid. I kept it together on the surface, but never could hide the sadness in my eyes. I moved into that house a month after I turned eighteen. I was at that crucial age. Teetering on adulthood, fresh out of the high school scene. I moved in with my boyfriend. The man who would become a rock for most of my life. He was the first person to teach me unconditional love. Two words I have been vaguely familiar with from childhood. It was a long process to learn how to give, and receive unconditional love. It's been three years since I've met him. I'm only grasping the concept now. I lived in that house for three years. That house is my home. My real home. When I moved in, I hardly knew my housemates. We were acquaintances. Not exactly friends, but I was accepted because of my boyfriend. I was such a shy girl back then. I hardly said much. Kept myself busy by cleaning, and reading. Smoking lots of ****. Little did I know, three years later they would become some of the most crucial people in my life. My boyfriend taught me unconditional love, but the people in that house taught it to me too. For myself, and for others. I learned more from them then they will ever know. I was brought into their world, one so different from where I came. For a bit, I felt like I was in wonderland. Like I fell down a rabbit hole chasing the cheshire cat. Wandering through scenes of nonsense, caught in the folds of time. Looking back, I can't tell if that's how I actually saw it, or if that was just the acid. Either way, I learned to love it. I was Alice, exploring my new wonderland. I expanded my consciousness in that house. I soaked up what was going on around me like a sponge. I'm an observer. I always have been. I can sit back in a room full of people, not saying a single word, just watching. I notice the things most people do without thinking. The little things. Biting nails, shaking legs, even twisting their earrings exactly three times. Detail is my specialty. I notice everything, from the words people choose right down to what they do when they say them. I'm an observer, not a judger. I keep most of my observations to myself. Unless, I feel someone could benefit from something being noticed. I grew up more in those three years than I had during my entire adolescence. I grew so much that I felt like I was exploding out the windows cracking the white frames, blowing off the roof. I had three of the best years of my life in that house. I had no idea what I was prepping myself for when I moved in. I never would've had the guts to travel cross country if it wasn't for that house. For those people. I owe everything to those three years of my life there. It's been three months since I moved out. Just three short months. I've seen everything from the Appalachian Trial to the Rocky Mountains to the Mojave Desert. In each place I've been, I've found a piece of my lost soul. If life was fair, I would get to keep those pieces. Finders keepers. Unfortunately, that just isn't the way it works. For every piece that's found, one's left behind. This is simply the way. It was decided long ago. By those who understood the circle of life. There must be balance. For what we take, we must give, in order to receive. This is what I learned in that big blue house on temple street. This is the lesson I hold dear to me now as I prepar to come back to my hometown. I haven't been gone long, but I'm not the same as when I left. I'm stronger. Wiser. I'm ready to face the tragedy that awaits me when I pull off exit fifty three. I'll be walking into a storm, but I'm not afraid of the rain. I can take it. I'll feel so much relief when I pull into that rocky driveway, park my car, and walk up the path half swallowed by grass. Up those steps, then right through the door held together with duct tape. I'll walk into the kitchen right into my family's arms, and finally find some peace. I'll be right where I need to be. Right at home with the people that love me. Supporting me, as I face an unbearable tragedy.

Mr. *******,
Mr. Oh here comes another pretentious cry for attention
I know self-deprecation babydoll
like you know his bedroom ceiling
Mr. International
jetted out from UK to the land of the silent heroes
where the grass isn’t green enough
and everybody was seemingly either
addicted to donuts, bacon, and cheese
or 5K’s, yoga, and weights
they don’t sell **** by the ten pack either
Mr. Liar Liar pants on fire
masochistic almost autistic
Mr. High or Drunk
Caffeinated thrift shop hipster
loves the girls until he has them
scrooge McDuck
I do believe misanthrope is the word
but always first to crack the whip of jokes in bad taste
if he were homeless he’d hang a sign around his neck
it would read:
Will somebody, for the love of God, please Validate me!?!
Mr. Rational thought secretly praying in the back room
Mr. Intellectual Dropout
don’t judge me judger
Mr. I’m brave for doing this
Jesus I am terrified
Mr. I could be great
if I could just find a ******* desk chair comfy enough

Stella said," Momma, I want a jump castle for my friends at my birthday, and daddy."
But daddy won't be there
"Momma, I hate court. That judger is a meanie weanie."
I know baby, shhh
"Can I have a jump castle?"
You'll have your castle, now hush
Stella sais," Momma, why don't daddy like me?"
He does baby
"Why won't he look at me?"
I don't know, princess, daddy is sick
"He needs a doctor and a sucker and a shot."
Yes baby, shush
She said,"Momma, why did daddy hurt you, like the tangles hurt my hairs?"
I don't know baby

I open my eyes to a whole new world
I open my senses to all new things
For today is the day of my birth
The day I become part of this Earth

Time flew by fast
Day by Day
I tried to make my way
A Naive child I was

School years hasten as I hit Elementary
Always picked last on the team
Picked last for almost everything
Picked last for the friends
Picked last, it never ends
For no one wanted a Naive child like me

I dare say that everyone was on my side
After all,
deep down I knew I was wrong

Middle school was no easier
than the previous years
Seeing I no longer could be Naive
Nobody wanted to be acquaintances
with the likes of me.
A Naive child such as me has learned to mature and face reality

For no thought in my head of what was wrong with me
What reason did they have to despise only I?
For myself attained only a few friends
In which I lost and gained through those privileged years

High school came around
Those details require no story
For Highschool was just the same
as they have also left me confused.
A Naive Child like me, confused .

Time passed
My Life hastened
I met lovers and non lovers
Liars and Truthers
For what did a Naive child like me have give

If you may ask
Yes there were those whom loved me
And never left my eyes
Childhood friends
And A Lover by my side
Those childhood years taught me that in this world
There wouldn't be enough room for a Naive Child, like me
I laugh and push through the crowd
For as I know, there was never enough room
for Judger's  like them

The day has come
For this is my end
this story must close
I rest on my deathbed
In this world I've loved since Birth
For today is the day of my death
The day I leave  my  role on this Earth

I don't like to be lonely
I like to be alone.
I'm not conservative
I'm a romantic!
Not antisocial
But PRO self exploration
PRO reading and writing!
I'm not boring
I'm simple
I'm not smart
I try hard
I'm not a judger
I'm a feeler.
I'm not  insecure
Whatever you think I am,
I'm not.

I love life just the same as the extroverted.

Liquidators come in all shapes and sizes,
As vizors cover the cloud glittered lowlys!!

Layrinxed fads go out slowly and painfully as the new drives on in, as sin tends to win!!!

Your feet tramples docile demons down!!!!!!

Destine me, destine me oh lawless judger!!!destine me to where you shall not be!!!!!

From a young age we are told
"we are all the same."
For if your not,
they look down in shame
As if we are all different copy's of the same old books
For your looks is considered weird,
And unwanted
till this day you are always taunted

If there was a way; we say,
I would have wanted to be the same
For my red hair and freckles
Have me named "Red flame"
And It seems as if I'm the one to blame
For I am all alone,
just because I have an identity if my own?

I ask myself, why do they pick?
throw sticks and bricks,
For their quick to be the judger,
But they lack to discover
that if we're all a book,
Why don't people give the story a look?
For if we tried Getting to know each other
we just might grow fond of one another
And might decide,
That we like the persons inside
For we would all stand side by side
worldwide

I couldnt say I believe in you
I couldnt say i walk in your name
But every breath I seem to take
Your the one thing getting shoved
Down my trachea
Biting down on silver bullets
Watching your disciples crucify me
Torturing me with senseless mumbo jumbo
About how Im going to hell when I die
Yet they cant see in it my eyes
They're too blinded by hopes of eternal life
Walking down the golden streets of heaven
If angels and demons existed
What the **** would it make me
Im inhuman compared to these vile creatures
If you made them in the image of you
Then now I see the real devil
Your name itself holds no value
At least the devil has a face to the name
You, just your son
You sentenced to die
You did nothing
Let it all happen
Youre the ruthless aggression
All cower before
I'm just the guy waiting to die
I dont care what awaits me
I just wish you knew
I dont give a **** about religions
I'm a mortal god
Judger of my own sins
Crimes I only commit against me
Sentencer to my own punishment
You let books and false prophets
Predict a future no one knows
Maybe we should all just die
Tell me if you find heaven or hell then
But when you wake up and see me over you
Laughing at how irrelevant your beliefs
Have come to be
Dont say a word
I want to watch as you cry
Because I know the only thing waiting for me in death
Is a darkness death itself is afraid of

Her actions were bad but her thoughts were even badder.  She didn’t accept herself but grew to understand. She was shy, experienced and respectful. She didn’t understand your evils, she didn’t accept your bad decisions. She was a Judger and in this world Judgers were very  high ranked. It was hard to know what she was thinking but it even more difficult to ignore her shaky hands. Her understanding stare. Her unknowing moves and her confusing voice. We all thought she was crazy. I mean thats what they've taught us to see…right? I didn’t get it though. I did not understand how she was seen as bad and others were seen as good. The others didn’t know, they hadn't experienced truth so they couldn't understand it. Thats the problem here, people act as if they know everything but they haven't been through anything in order to understand it. Truth is complicated. Everyone acts as if they know the truth but yet they are nowhere near to truth. The truth is kind, understanding and harsh, most go crazy just looking into the eyes of truth. Truth is my king, my soul and my life. How do I know if my truth is the right version of truth? I don’t. But I do know that I know this world better than those that claim they are all knowing. How can you be all knowing? There is no such thing. If you were all knowing then time would end and your life would be answered. but its not and your confused still and thats what is the miracle of this life.
The people of my lands believe in love and hatred. They believe that both combined make up the truth and if both hatred and love work together then peace will come to us. I pray and long for a time when I am in peace. When my family, my friends and my followers are in peace. I hope for my enemies and my strangers to be in peace. I pray for peace in those who hurt and in those who have been hurt. I hope for peace to be shed out in every living creature whether worth it or not. Because in the end what being gets to decide who is worth it? No one. No one should have the power to decide when to end another's life.

You’re a maker of revenge.
You justify your actions as self-defence.
When in fact I see through the lies,
Causing repent carnage at night I chase away the cries.
Your painful and sick inflicting abuse,
A devil worshiper at heart who will damage and use

Snakes among pentagrams sprawled on your flesh,
A lover of hate……
You seek out the darkness and hide within it's depths
You tried to creep within the light but felt trapped within its clutch,
A body without a soul. A Lonesome gargoyle that seems a beast.
Stalking me as prey, hunting humans for sadistic play.
Gruesome behaviour... beyond what humans could portray
Your ill thoughts you throw on display.
Face book, my space you log in and convey.

Your the dragon I must slay, Locked out of the kingdom of God,
Choosing to betray, An empty angel you refused to obey.
A slave to the devil I cast thee away.
A heart decaying, Flesh rotting away,
you are a dangerous reminder of my constant dismay.

Horrible tactics, you use guilt as bait.
Dead eyes forming into an emotionless craze.
Anticipation gridlocks you in a hazy ambiance of grey,
Showing public displays of selfish praise.
Disturbing momentary relapses you shift from my gaze.
A glazed expression appears on your archaic face.

Your not immortal the Devil always comes to collect,
Reflecting an empty soul full of spiritual debt,
Only now you detect a threat of physical malaise.
When you accept your fate of death, you must sign your decree.
Ask for no forgiveness I shall give none to thee
Never shall you see what is beyond the darkening sky,
A pitiful demon cloaked in disguise.
****** to limbo and destined to die,
Shrouded within Catholic mortal lies.
You will not conquer my soul;
I am a china doll left broken yet consistently remains whole.

Smothered by imperfections a gift none the same,
I'm a judger of character you call me by name,
My heart is constrained by the lack of contempt,
You represent Horror, Fear and Torment.
My body seems lost but tears still remain,
My body was suppose to give life,
But you taken that life away.
I'll always have you to blame.

You caused me pain but demons cannot feel,
I am lost in my youth unable to heal.
Can't you see that I am real?
I Bleed just as a human should.
Beyond my façade, I am misunderstood; beyond you is a desire to ****...
No reasoning could stop your thoughts,
only content will burn as it eats at my heart
And savage fear contorts my soul
As you seek to harm this ravaged girl.

how to whistle while washing ***** dishes
The island of we, the sumerians

sixty times the four fingers,
three count point
knuckle one,
knuckle two,
knuckle three, see it counting
to ten in base sixty

humm a little whatifery whistle,
what if, we need more
imaginary units to finish the proof, thus
we instructed
were
we not? Prove all things are not your
imagination,
we are in agreeing mind state, joined
at the bottom most
maximus grave ityness, the force
we must suppose
flipped us off as not a chance,

let it be. Me, my mind, I find, rests
in peace.
with no anger remaining prime motive,
get even,
get back, grow up, settle down, learn
the secret said to be revealed

as reversed veiling, un veil, one of seven,
as the dances were advertised,
hawkers, spy the curious child,
wink, a thought, think kid

seven veils and tied to a cross, with no
malice of fore thought,
this was here, in that hat, I thought was mine,
a mind field, experience, not

commonly taken from the sheet let down,
from the heavens
to the roof of the Khai Vinh fishnet factory
verified center
- glimpse
curious tracker on a water buffalo,
those look like oxen, may-i- those are the sign
sought,
like year of all the oxen out and free,
ball as bulls
give it a twist
imagine
castrata tata tooeee
the pace of evolution without the power
pens I use in my war with power
edgers, bubble
slicers, other wiser geysers, orange
is oranger than any carrot, if you knew orange,
as William and Mary institutes the truth color,
the other people's orangest of naranca
edge lit
ledgends told to begin sending the dancing
muses, as the sun is singing oranging
arranging
so much
so little, this touch, too light, to feel, fffixes the glow

green florescencing bit, you think it down
to scales,
we see. We now beings seeing and sensing below
the frequent measure mental device
we may imagine imaging in our shared timespace
- glaring screen
projected, light, and shadow, sent.
Sentiment, seeing Mayfield, Kentucky, and
knowing
that place was like, like
yes, the ideal Mayberry, USA, as depicted
in the youthful vigor of old Henry Ford, and
the dime guy, what'sisname, famous rich
dime giver, we all marched in his memory,
in the year of our Ford, Rockefeller, right
1954, oh, the allegiance, total troth, all
under god, and the trusts on the money
at the top of the eye,
watching featherweight angel judger try
-yy'alto lift ration, al flow
expo
exponential compounded interesting times,
by golly, it could be organzied
to see, perfectly strange,
as you
b n  -i-    odd number, at the end, I bet.
stand and ask what line is this?
--------------

Some, somewhere, a point, at least
per haps may be made
plain as through nothing,

Stopping just short of judgment,
  his mind took a leap

Whose soul rose as substance,
  now ready to speak

Words before never uttered,
  or spoken in vain

This acknowledgement followed,
  crying out in refrain…

“The joy in the brotherhood
   all torment by choice

“To share in celebration,
   we alone can’t rejoice

“The critic inside us,
   the judger of sins

“Is best left in silence,
   till it targets within”

As time will remind us,
  and these words will recall

All biting reprisal
  —the coward’s downfall

(Villanova Pennsylvania: June, 2016)

It's hard to find a boring meme
You seem to have a knack
I don't wanna be the one
To have to tell you
Your meme judger
Is just
Out of whack
I suppose it would be fine
In a lineup of one or two
But you share them en masses
And in bulk
And now I've got to wade on through
There's the one about the sick kid
Complete with image of his twisted leg
And a "inspirational" note
About how his father walked ten miles to beg
Now dad has a bike
Give the meme a like
Dad now rides his bike
To beg
Instead of taking a long hike
Combined with hundreds
Of such things
All across your feed
I'd say you've done the impossible
And found lots of boring memes

Stopping just short of judgment,
  his mind took a leap

Whose soul rose as substance
  now ready to speak

Words before never uttered
  or spoken in vain

This acknowledgement followed
  crying out in refrain…

“The joy in the brotherhood
   all torment by choice

“To share in celebration,
   we alone can’t rejoice

“The critic inside us
   the judger of sins

“Is best left in silence
   till it targets within”

As time will remind us,
  and these words will recall

All biting reprisal
  —the coward’s downfall

(Villanova Pennsylvania: June, 2016)