"hemorrhoid" poems
I hope my good old ******* holds out
60 years it's been mostly OK
Tho in Bolivia a fissure operation
survived the altiplano hospital--
a little blood, no polyps, occasionally
a small hemorrhoid
active, eager, receptive to phallus
coke bottle, candle, carrot
banana & fingers -
Now AIDS makes it shy, but still
eager to serve -
out with the dumps, in with the condom'd
******** friend -
still rubbery muscular,
unashamed wide open for joy
But another 20 years who knows,
old folks got troubles everywhere -
necks, prostates, stomachs, joints--
Hope the old hole stays young
till death, relax
March 15, 1986, 1:00 PM
8.1k
Hello there little hemorrhoid.
Hanging from my ****
I really wish you'd go away,
'Cause you hurt like you know what.
At times you seem to disappear,
And then I have relief.
But when I go and take a dump,
You then return. "Good grief!"
You really make me feel,
Like I'm pooping broken glass.
Or something else that's jagged,
That I have to try and pass.
I don't want you to stay around,
My sphincter and I agree.
'Cause when I use the toilet paper,
It feels like bark from a tree!
I've used medicated pads
And even gooey cream.
But no matter what, you still return,
Like an awful, recurring dream!
From suppositories to cold packs
And using an air pillow.
There seems to be no relief
From you my little fellow.
I've heard that a specialist
Who braves that funky zone
Can remove you with a snip
But my wallet's empty and alone.
So I guess I am stuck with you
On my derriere
And with the pain I get from you
Causing me to swear!
Nov 26, 2012
Nov 26, 2012 at 5:30 PM UTC
'Twas Christmas again and the tree was up with tinsel all around.
But by the weird behavior of my cat, there was tinsel where it shouldn't be found.
She was dragging her **** across the floor in a most peculiar way.
Like something was wrong or she had an itch or needed hemorrhoid cream right away.
I caught the cat because I knew this behavior was not right.
So I lifted her tail and, just as I thought, beheld a terrible sight.
A little piece of tinsel stuck right, well you know where.
I then knew I had a task to do that I would not do on a dare.
I held the kitty in my arm and went and found a glove.
And prepared to do what must be done but definitely not out of love.
The kitty's strange behavior was more than I could allow.
Dragging her **** across the floor like a tractor drags a plow.
So with kitty in my arm and her tail in my hand,
I grabbed the piece of tinsel and pulled gently on the strand.
I tried to be careful so the tinsel would not break.
But when I pulled, her little **** clinched."Oh for goodness sake!"
It was quite a sight to see, this twisted tug-of-war.
I think that I am winning! Here comes a little more!
After half an hour, the battle, I finally won.
I held a little trophy that I extracted from her ***
So if you come to my house at Christmas time next year,
A tree you'll see with ***** and lights and no tinsel anywhere.
Aug 1, 2012
Aug 1, 2012 at 8:09 AM UTC
I know that some of us, well many of else have noticed the tiny hemorrhoid who has been festering around HP for a while now. He pops in, leaves his unkind marks on our skin, causing us to scratch and irritate the area. What I am wondering is how many have noticed his poems (for lack of a better term and in an attempt to be somewhat nice) trending with only 1 like? My friends, they trend because so many people view them…not like them. That is how it works here at times. Views vs. people following you. He has only a few following him (proof drugs are still running rampant) and it only takes a few views to cause his used toilet paper offerings to trend. This, in my opinion is his goal. He spends his time trying to discourage anyone he comes in contact with so that it will cause us to view his vomited works. (Ok, getting a little uglier). He slaps and then runs, waiting to see what we will do to feed his regurgitated ego, and we follow, accepting his bait.
My suggestion is to completely ignore this hemorrhoid, block him, no reading, no leaving ugly remarks on his work…just make him invisible to you and every one else. Let him write his little crayon projects and post them on his own fridge (because I’m sure his mom won’t even put them on hers). Will he eventually go away? Probably not, he is so full of himself; he could not live without himself. But, we can go away…not from the site, but from him.
There are people like this everywhere…people who get joy from hurting others, people who sit there with a pen in one hand and something else in the other. (use you imagination) Ignore this pain; don’t let it get you down. If we all do this then maybe, just maybe he will get the hint…probably not. But maybe the swelling will go down a little.
This is just my opinion and my suggestions.
Jun 9, 2014
Jun 9, 2014 at 11:59 AM UTC
Electra-girl gyrates desperately.
Daddy is away on business.
The house practically empty,
Desolate winds rattle windows,
Stomach twists with craving.
Electra-girl squeals,
**** Mommy! Get her out of the picture.”
Little Miss teacup wants everything just right,
When daddy gets home.
Electra-girl vomits hairball,
shaves thighs belly armpits,
Plucks neck chin nostrils,
Applies lipstick moderately,
Puckers (finger pushes hemorrhoid in).
She denies everything.
Imagines he is showering,
She enters **** giggling big grin,
Gaze scampering between his face and genitals,
Her approaching young body edging nearer.
He hesitates standing under waterspout,
Waiting to see what she will do,
Fearing his own desire,
Knowing it is wrong so wrong.
After what seems a long time,
Mom steps in,
Eyes firing rage and sanction.
She asks her daughter, “You think you’ll win?”
Electra-girl answers without hesitation,
“Why wouldn’t I.”
No question.
Your **** stains on carpet,
Your *** stains on everything,
Your breath smells,
Odor of rotting flowers.
Smile for the camera.
Electra-girl raises arms and taunts,
“I win! I win!
Who’s going to be my next daddy?”
A deep heavy silence follows.
She holds herself in mirrors of her past.
May 7, 2013
May 7, 2013 at 7:32 AM UTC
Pain reminds me I'm alive
Wish it would just let me die
Head spins violent ***** spouting
Evil eye pressure builds up pounding
Cracks streak my face from capillary fractures
I choke on three day old eggs and curdled milk
My teeth devolving in stomach acid
As bitter and stringent as anything I can think of
Still not done ********
Hemorrhoid blood dripping sticky
Toilet seat gripping
Not to mention the bathtub
Full of ***** needing washed out
At least my hair is clean...
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 11:09 AM UTC
Two years ago diagnosed with colorectal reluctance,
that is what the doctor said,
he said,
I had a hemorrhoid the size of my head,
growing on my shoulders.
I scratched my itchy ears,
could not believe what I heard.
I said, I knew that,
I came here for genital warts.
******
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 9:55 PM UTC
I told my mom that I have a:
I have a corduroy hemorrhoid.
She said that doesn't make any sense.
What are you confused about?
Corduroy? Hemorrhoid?
You know, just because things rhyme doesn't necessarily mean
They Have To Jive.
I know. I said I HAVE A CORDUROY HEMORRHOID!
I don't care about your Cor-Dur-Oy
Hem-orr-hoid.
Only that bear called Corduroy could possibly have a
corduroy
hemorrhoid.
Anyways, like I just said
they barely even rhyme. So who really cares?
CORDUROY
and
HEMORRHOID.
Stop with the poetry nonsense.
Okay. But seriously, I have a corduroy hemorrhoid.
Who made you like this?
corduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrhoidcorduroyhemorrh
You better stop. I'm ignoring you.
Oh, **** You're late to school.
I can't go to school because--
You have a corduroy hemorrhoid.
Yes, that's right.
Okay. Whatever. That's fine.
How would you even fix a corduroy hemorrhoid?
I don't know. I'm the one who is sick.
Oh, true.
Yeah, with a corduroy hemorrhoid.
Please.
No, I really am sick.
Well there isn't anything to fix!
Probably
I think I will just need a
nap.
God, you always make Tuesday's such crap.
Dec 5, 2017
Dec 5, 2017 at 10:44 PM UTC
You never know what you will find.
The eyeball of a cow. Weeping condoms.
Deserted televisions lacking flat screens,
no longer desirable, abandoned, forlorn.
A pair of torn, lacy,black *******
in an alley; must be a story there.
A cat with one eye and three legs,
devouring a vole. Scattered books awash.
A depressed, deflated hemorrhoid donut.
Soaked album of ruined wedding pictures.
Forever mute, broken, vinyl LPs.
Three shotgun shells but no shotgun.
Not a sign of the splattered victim.
Almost everything you can't imagine.
The devious flotsam and jetsam of life.
The ordinary stuff of nightmares and poems.
All the world's magnificent mysteries,
strewn like tears on streets and alleys,
waiting to be rediscovered, again,
like dangerous, lost New Worlds,
yours for the simple effort of walking.
Feb 8, 2017
Feb 8, 2017 at 7:36 AM UTC
Stop calling me beautiful
Don't organize my things
Ignore your urge to kiss me
Forget about giving me goodnight texts
Don't tell me your deepest secrets
You shouldn't try to understand me
I may be an *******
but your the hemorrhoid irritating the **** out of me
May 22, 2017
May 22, 2017 at 6:12 PM UTC
"Who the **** do you think you are?"
The man in question sat, even with the urgency of the question asked.
He was practically catatonic.
His interrogator asked once more, but with more anger:
"Who the **** do you think you are, exactly?"
The man in question answered, "My name is Theodore Cornelius Riley, but in my mind I am the reincarnation of Andrew Jackson, and I will send your **** to the Indian Territory while your having a hemorrhoid."
The man inhaled.
With a mighty exhale, the man said "Try me, *****
Aug 8, 2019
Aug 8, 2019 at 10:51 AM UTC
By: Cedric McClester
Sleeping in your bed
Or a brick on your head
Dead equals dead
Did you hear what I said?
No matter how you go
All of us should know
That we’re gonna, so
Don’t let it be a blow
And what’s even more
If you’re at Stage Four
What you know for sure
Is it’s knocking at your door
So don’t get paranoid
Or become destroyed
About what you can’t avoid
It’s like a hemorrhoid
It doesn’t matter how
Whether later or now
Death won’t make you smile
It’s what you most revile
But like it or not
All of us get caught
So don’t get overwrought
It’s not some kind of plot
Whether young or old
Death’s not in your control
Though it’s awesome to behold
We know it's been foretold
So when somebody dies
You shouldn’t be surprised
Once you stop to realize
God owns that whole franchise
Cedric McClester, Copyright ©2019. All rights reserved.
Apr 18, 2019
Apr 18, 2019 at 7:09 AM UTC