What might the heights of the minds eyes see while the spirit is in motion of the purest emotion of intent and expression of love?


Is it such a state where false has awards and evening gowns picked out for the awards show?

Is it so fake that one might find it difficult to understand real from false?

Or might the fact that when a human being can truly  walk the line of life with grace and demanding ******* while gently caressing the absolutely overwhelming truth that love has ravaged the soul ,

Ravaged this soul,

*****, held, ravaged, run through, righted and scorned in the deepest of waters a soul has yet to express to the world for two thousand years, and all while  the captive ....... Soul,         is critiqued on the devastation wrot in such completeness that is is even to this day savoured as a prized  fetish even unto the sad would self.

Dare I ask simple a question of wondering curious eyes of windowed souls to cast a view into the dew of the greatness of being of truth and grace while respecting the very heart from which such torture pours from?

dare a truth be asked that such a human being be of a dignity in company with the child timid in him self torn, dashed , bruised, named and bolder than the soul that resides in you?

Dare a tasked truth be ever revealed of contemptuous  acts of ***** souls and privacy of ones tiny castles in the  oh so damaged and bitter sands. Of the wombs of mind that we all venture to frontier the very limit of the souls endurance, prestige while being undignified by the raw violence of the act of continued ****, or is a dared truth to harsh a fact for timidness of my self to have swallowed whole as the soul of mine self and mine eyes and mine teeth from which the vengeance did pour a pounding to seek, all to be driving back by the broken and horrorably disfigured child of me that many find more womanly.   For this Ugly Boy of me, this sad sot silly and ***** smaller to the vastness of the fridgidness of ******* through lies and manipulations while taking in the raw ******* of the common God's child , virus this not what we all are the now newly in question not so rarely ***** and sold like ****** in a new church for the dastardly and bastarded ******* that we have come to call complacency of decency?  

Any, how foolish, yes my dear friend , you are indeed a wiser worrier  wafareing wondering wizard of vast skills and frightful  ways and means to tame the beast of such hateful things , so costic as to reach deep into them and quiver their tiny tethers and frail feathers all a mockingly  to the tones and notes left after we vacated the dead crypts of self deprivation and hate as we all found the truth of the emotion as it poured through us when realizing this damaged, torn and frightened child , a man holding the depth of winter killing fields at bay, a man kindly swaying the stars to play a tune so as to grace all who broke his heart a stay of pain for each and every attempted and timidly bold and brazen sway and slanted ****** love or raw truth and powerful motions from which we all find the fancy to ****** the  tool as the goofiest  **** **** as hell fool we all choose to allowed the absolute grace and magesty to ******* Rule our Hearts for even just a fraction of a moment in this prayer of endless time, yet hold with the dared scary and walking naked and alone into the lions den while the wolfs and beasts all gathered their finest clothes, weapons and gold, silver, trinkites and shiny of the shiniest of the things they boldly and brashly slash all with as to command the fear to reside in the human spirit.

As this silly little hill Billy with a **** nice *** *****, were wolf feet and all called out to the proudest and loudest of the tiny little spouts and softly said " what is all you foolish fuss about?"
"Have you lost you most precious toys, only to find victim the Dickson of my sorry and sad state of dieing from the oath and lashing of what you helped  rip from what can only be many peoples and communities and even many families?"

Dare a truth to truth this dare my dearest cud of a bear for a true beast of welcome verosity I be all the while giggling and prancing all about like a happy *** skipping fairy, and of this I most truly rather be for don't you know? , did no one tell you the news?  The horror is scaring but the truth is so amazing, turns out scar gardens are the softest things God has ever created, scar gardens are the hardest element that break far stronger , bold creatures of far fasters tested , cleeted, bust a mother up than most man has ever know to exist.
Scar gardens are the very  spouts from which the truth and grace of the living love of God pours fourth into this majestic ******, animal ,spiritual ,sacred, holy and magnificent place , a place that the very bashing of the flowers that dance you delight even in the pity, plight, laughter , and slight  has done nothing but cast us all from it loving embrace, yet, dear cub of a Billy bad *** nub of a cubbed couger in the final leaps to catch this timid and playful prey of me that you so think you will devour you see,  we, the ones whom truly felt and opened and dare that **** scary *** chance to dance with this devil in the pale moon light have found that they no longer must live in fright, that this very garden is theirs and none to own but to flourish and grow, thrive if you must, but lest get nasty for a real minute, animal to animal ,it ma thrive , sure but it will **** , love ,fight, rise , Smit , right the wrongs that have tortured us far to ******* long and in that moment of exstacy the human race may just finally realize ***, love, caring, kindness and truth of self are the face of God starting through your eyes experiencing all f his loving songs creations and getting ******* goose bumps and he'll yes this Billy Jack goofy *** bad  kat all **** knuckled with bad habits and a lust for loving full ******* spectrum and a lesbian trapped in this fugly *** mans body all crazy *** triple run *** marks the spot moon shine devil of mine were wolf feet and all does truth and whole love the Real Girl and is ,,,,, and most mother ******* who are real and real down with the truth that God is love and loves even your silly but as God loves mine silly *** and the rest of this star studded cast of human **** ups simply attempting to pass and go the **** home at the end of the school bell.


HUA,    I do love the Real artist  you speak of, she knows it, and may just know that I know she is not the one laying **** the silly hill Billy with a rather bad *** wi,,,,,,,, um sorry.     Where were we. Oh yes. Um. Only those who care to let go and allow the truest of flows and are true to self and the love that one finds in the being of anothers breath, thoughts , actions , decisions, and mistakes and graces to right ones self after horrors that tear us and embarrass us, these know the truth ,and my dear friend i love you too, but not like the love i expressed to you in hopes you to feel the love i share to her with out pushing it on her, so that what is rightfully hers to reject or except i gave it all away to all even those whom used it to fuel hate in mine own shape , form and name.  And i have done all of this and a dillion years of pouring stars into the hearts of that goofy *** girl by way of dancing crying and **** it dieing through the very core of you,  yes i got you high, horney, got you off, many times , i gave you memories of sparks you know, i gave you worlds of wonder and ways to flurish and grow, i gave you what you , well many of you , did not even deserve for it was truy meant to be for her, but i felt that the most good it could do and the best love i could show her is i can love all of you and even rock hear heart all the very same ways i moved you , and not loose one silly little drop of the tears in her pain, yet sip them and drip them into her so she may choose to live again, as she has done for me.....do you now see? For I C C I said this goofy eyed going man who has done all this in his true and real names,  For I Love You So.


And didn't even eat my wheaties wink , smile I a not mad at ya, just being me, and some times we all have a tax bit of  werewolfand badger **** in us , sorry to offend, smile in the end, we all just might be ,,,,, sort f friends..

there is no privacy anymore
tinker with your settings,
imaginary dragons, but to no true avail,
your scathing privacy has since sailed,
only to return for another sinking

what you forgot,
is very well remembered
in a some very overlooked place

see me in my summer camp class photo,
blonde crew cut and goofiest of grins,
find my poems of eons ago,
in living tricolor,
to my now better understood
"eternal" embarrassment,
they writ on, vainly looking
for a way to enjoy a
natural unnatural aging,
a wordlessly, self-destructing death
on a someday,
though the probability is that
someone's gigabytes
will cloud store them forevermore
because accumulation is
cheap and easy and
whatever

everything you need but didn't want,
the tangled webs, births and deaths,
multiple divorces and successes,
ancestors, progenitors,
children who no longer acknowledge
parenthood,
the detritus of lives writ even larger than the
original reality life show

confrontation tween my suppression
of long term memories that  
are dangling participles,
going gone being been,
confusion resultant in
the tenses of existence,
I was therefore I still must be
but no longer
the me
I pretended to be

there is no privacy anymore,
especially,
not even from thine own
prying eyes and faulty memories...

when they ask what is my name,
to better trace my leavings,
I will
like Jehovah to Moses respond,

I Am that I Am
(אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה,  ehyeh ašer ehyeh)

It seems to me as though people don't take the chance to get to know other people anymore. It's all about physical attraction and getting with that one person that everyone wants. Maybe we know each other's names and maybe where we're from, but do we know each other's pet peeves or biggest fears? Hell, do we even know each other's favorite color or birthday? The answer to that question is no. We don't. But one thing that I've found is that you'll never know someone better than that person that decided to sit next to you on the airplane on your way back home for the holidays. Maybe airplanes aren't the most intimate place to have deep conversations, but you're stuck with that person for god knows how long and chances are, you'll never see them again so why not open up and ask this person questions about themselves? I've met many different people when I've traveled by myself and I couldn't be more grateful for the opportunity I had to get to know these people. Ive met an old man from Australia who couldn't keep his mouth shut about a girl he had a crush on when he was twelve. He crashed his bike while she was sitting on his handle bars after they snuck out of their houses to see each other. I've met an older woman who found my college textbook about Confucius to be one of the most interesting books she's read after I let her borrow it for awhile. I've met a teenage girl who was traveling on her own to go see her family in Italy and told me about everything that she wishes to accomplish one day. I've sat with a boy I've met previously once before who I never knew had a thing for old cars and loves cold weather. But you know what the best thing is? You finally notice how people look at you. That old Australian man, yeah, he had the goofiest smile I have ever seen after I told him that he had one of the sweetest love stories I've heard in my entire life. Even as he shut his eyes to try to take a quick nap, he was still smiling. And when I could feel the older woman's eyes on me while writing my paper about Chinese philosophy, I caught her with bright eyes and the slightest smile on her face when i turned to look at her.  That girl traveling alone, well, I don't think I've ever seen a bigger smile after I told her that she's going to accomplish great things in her life. And that boy I sat with, couldn't stop smiling no matter what I said. Every time I'd turn to look at him, I'd catch a glimpse of him smiling before he turned his head to hide his face. All I'm trying to say is, I wish that maybe one day, I could get to know you as well as I know these people I've met on the airplane. I wish that maybe I'll finally have the chance to see the way you look at me.



                                B.S.

"what's a poem, after all, if not a safe space for a difficult truth?"

i have a tendency of having my heart broken when the leaves start to change colors.

i drive past your old apartment every time i drive home from school. it was sweet until it was bittersweet but now it's just bitter.

our sweet summer feels like a past life. it seems so long ago,
all the moments that stay but they all eventually turn gray.

gray was color of the sky the day that you said you had to leave

leaves were the blanket that covered the ground the night you last touched my hand.

and i'm so tired of being what i am when every good thing that comes my way turns into something i taint.

you said there was nothing that i could do to ever scare you away, then tell me, why one little thing had you run the other way?...

in my dreams you're stealing glimpses & asking me if i want to start all over again.

in my dreams we made it.
in my dreams you feel the same.

I'M not wHERE i want to be

you look for someone to love you but i've been standing right here all along

i thought i gave you my best, i thought my heart would finally rest...

i told you all of my secrets, my habits & fears... you said you'd never grow bored of knowing me...

the shade always comes at the worst time, we were okay, we were happy, we were doing just fine...

i remember that first glimpse of hope when we both said we'd rather elope, i ran home that day & gushed about you to my dad,
i accepted it now, but it still makes me sad.

i thought we'd have more time
i thought we'd have more time

but we were always meant
to say goodbye, weren't we?...

right from the start we were closer than most, but we never felt the need to boast.

"if i told you about the darkness inside of me would you still look at me like i'm the sun?"

i used to love to go places alone but with you it was always more fun.

but just like sand, the tighter i tried to hold onto you, the quicker
you slipped through my fingers...

you were my greatest teacher & easiest lesson: i cannot make someone love me by loving them harder.

you didn't think you could love me if you couldn't love you
it's valid
it's valid...
"boundaries are the distance at which i can love you & me all at the same time"

if this is what it takes, then darling, i don't mind the cold.

the love inside of me is somehow all yours, & i hate when i feel like this.

i thought you growing tired of me was my biggest fear, but i can feel you forgetting to remember me & i've never felt more afraid...

"i think we want different things" he said, but i couldn't find the words as the tears rolled down my warm cheeks to tell him i disagree...

everything before you feels like a blur, still necessary but not as important as where we had plans on going...

strawberries & sunsets on the beach was our everyday until every last drop of wine was all death & decay...

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
YOU THIS WAY
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
US THIS WAY...

but it's so hard when you loved me then, then why can't you again?
you say you didn't get there but your actions speak otherwise...

now the taste of apple cider reminds me of you, the days when i kissed you through the leaves & you never wanted me to leave.

our bedroom windows face the sunrise, even on my darkest day
you showed up with sunflowers, you were always the most unexpected surprise.

the road was long but i never minded, as long as you were in the car with me, the path was winded but we knew we couldn't be blinded...

i remember thinking you were mine, but i didn't get enough gas for this detour...

for the first time i can find my way back home, it's been folklore since july & even though the sun is asleep, i know it'll soon feel like spring.

fast forward to the tail end of October.
the leaves are falling like we were in august
as i walk the same trail we did that day.

"that's okay i understand!!!!"
except it made me sick to my stomach.

i walked these autumn town streets holding the hand of your ghost mid-october.

with you, i was a bit more me.

i hear you're still around. but nowhere near me. our one-sided-too-soon love had gone cold while your soul intertwines with someone else's.

i'm jealous of the chair that kisses your back while you sit in it. it's stable & reliable embrace has the grace of holding you more than i ever will.

the candlelight wanted us to be seen by each other. only death by our own hands...only by one of our pair of young lungs would it be extinguished. it wasn't me who blew it out.

i was always told, "one day you'll meet someone & you'l see why it never worked with anyone else." and, "you'll meet someone who will make you feel how it should have felt all along."

that was you, that was you, but now you're gone, now you're gone

"i'm ashamed of what i've done for love, but i do not regret any of it."

"i realize that loving too much can also make you gasp for air, it makes you want to scream in the wee early morning hours, it makes you weep along with raindrops falling soundly on your window. i never thought that loving you too much can also break my heart. and yet, i still do."

i swore to myself that i'm here to be a plot twist, a main character in someone's story, not a non-playable character in a plot that's already been written.

i promised myself that i'm here to live a life of vivacious chaos, not cautious perfection...forgiveness... foriveness.

"if i don't hesitate to be my authentic & absolute goofiest self around you, you're really special to me. if you're the first person i share news or stories with, you're really special to me. if i call you without a reason just to talk to you or hear your voice, if i just pick up the phone, you're really special to me. if i call you by a nickname more than your actual name, you're really special to me. & if i share my most embarrassing moment with you without fear of rejection or judgment...you're really special to me."

you were the one that didn't think i was too much but never wanted me to be less...you saw my scars & never tried to fix them.

just because i am silent, does not mean i don't think about it. just because i stopped speaking about it, does not mean it has stopped haunting me.

& WHAT KIND OF HOPE AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE? . . .

why do i always have to be the one to clean up what they left behind?

time with you is time well spent. "doing nothing's never nothing when it's something with you."

i wish i could be able to say that i never told you i was falling for you a little bit...but i did because it felt necessary. not because i thought it would make you stay.

it's november now & where are you? the dinner is getting cold like the cement beneath my feet...i cooked your favorite food, but little did i know it would be our last meal. peppers & peach wine

["wHy can't you see me? WhY can't i stop needed you to see me . ."]

& was it always going to come to this? the both of us wanting what the other cannot give?...

i'm not superstitious but i engage in superstitious behaviors. i am no conspiracy theorist but my favorite one is that you regret what you did to my heart.

do you ever think of me when you drive by the cell towers? when i was little i always thought i lived in paris because they looked like the eiffel tower, you thought that was cute.

dreams...if "dreams" is what we could call them...they're more like replayed reality.

i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. i thought we'd have more time. maybe not forever but, i thought we'd have more time.

I chewed the brownie slowly,
delicately
scraping every crumb stuck in
sticky-ifity on Carmelly crudesunshine

flowing from the wound in my gut

what
hapt,

in the middle of a how,
so this is now
okeh
this is what remains
after ever starts
every time,

goofiest kind of time you can imagine

and we are here,
today, as long as it is called today;

perfectly empowered once patience has done
her perfect werx, ah, the things concerning you,

as it were, had I ever been you, in a sense,
those were promised perfection,

so, once more, wait and see. Look around
find idle verbs and spark them to life

with your tongue. Sing. Taste the song.

Brownie crumbs. All this is is brownie crumbs
come to mind to make a case

for sugars and spices and other niceties we
may recall at will,

with a wink.

If you let me,
I could be your best friend.

If you let me,
I could be there for you.

If you let me,
I could let you into my heart.

If you let me,
I would come back round.

If you let me,
I can be the silliest and goofiest.

If you let me be me.

If only you let me,
I might let you in too.

Your love is abundant
You tell me you love me at my worst
At my goofiest and at my most stupid
When i'm too drunk and acting a fool
Your love is abundant
You tell me not to worry
Not to overthink
To not question your love
Your love is abundant