I would never confess that I cry
I would never confess that I want love
I would never confess that I'm... Nothing

I'm too scared of tears  
I'm too scared of people
I'm too scared of being forgotten

Feeling hot streams of salty water flow down my cheeks
Feeling someone disappearing right infront of me
Feeling empy, alone, scared

I'm too scared of tears so I keep them in
No matter what I would never let anyone see me cry
I would never show myself being weak

I'm too scared of letting someone into my life
They would  leave and I would be left with nothing
I would never let myself give away a part of me

I'm too scared of letting people see the real me
So I fake... I fake happiness, smiles, laughter
I would never let myself be me

Aren't we all just liars?

People always say the eyes are windows to the sole

but i gave my soul away

so if look into my eyes

and you see nothing

you will be certian

that i am empty

Just me
and a fifth of ***
which i bought at the grocery store
with the very last of my paycheck
which was the last of my paychecks
three weeks ago.

Just me
and a fifth of ***
sitting in this apartment with the
blank white walls, cracked ceiling,
and giant ****** furniture I hate
with a passion.

Just me
and a fifth of ***.
In anticipation I unscrew the cap,
but I can't bring myself to drink it
so I slowly pour it down the drain,
every last drop.

Just me
and a fifth of ***
or at least the shell of what had been.
Poor bottle, you look so lonely now.
Come, sit next to me, and we can be
empy together.

It was a very thorough grinding and a overly slow unwinding
The passiveness intensifying to the perfect medium
and beyond this equilibrium it was still churning
this void that is fire extinguished
an emptiness that is passion relinquished
The table was empy, full and cleared of all substances
the cup was overfilling, spilling but content
The tendrils retracted to the cavernous maw from which I succombed
the throat I threw myself down
and clung to the uvula with my toes out of lingering basic reactions
a stimulus that I cared to respond to
My lymph nodes were a sore blackness, penetrating all the wiles of wills
it was the spiders again...
let's talk about evolution for a bit
why do we do things?
survival?
the basic desire to be and propagate oneself
some psychologists would suggest that it's all based on ***.
that's why there are so many ****** and manwhores as well
they trick their bodies into believing they are succesfull.
why do we wish to be succesful?
to attract a mate? yes'm
some of us can move past this sole purpose, but it's still an underlying cause yo


The bossman keeps me a-slaving away..working my time for his pay
The teacherman keeps me a-studying all day, working my mind for future wage
The bassman is me a-slapping a way, mumbling a mating call

So, the plumage is quite bright..genuine too
but not as full and phosphorescent as ******* mcassbutt's store bought version
but, there are no real peahens.  only chickens
so, who'm I trying to impress here? Mr. Director Man, what is my motivation in this scene?
"If you need someone to tell you that for you, then you should probably **** yourself"

this is why I don't give advice much..

I've been told very often, that one should look to themselves for their happiness..
but these people who say this get laid frequently.
not that that is my unit of happiness measurement here.. but try it before you buy it
I'm not going to waste my time.. mating for the sake of having a mate
it's fake. it's vacuous. it's vapid. it's false. it's unreal. it feels wrong and you know it

but...someone to bounce ideas off of. a special someone
put me in my place when im full of **** and it's pouring out my mouth
to recognize that point of light, so many have talked about with me..but ran away from
understanding the cosmic joke..it's not evil or crazy.. it just is and it's wonderful


the lymphatic darkness spreading.
why the lymph nodes?  cuz it's fun to say
lymph lymph lymph
get it? WHEEEE!!
it was once a false light,  some kind of poisonous neon spiraling around my core
but it was torn away..body evacuations of necessity alone
then it was an astral negative, ******* and ******* hard i tell ya whut nyow
it finally found something in all that darkness...the cosmic infinitesimal
the smallest decimal
like a rasinette, with doom insteada chocolate
and dang it was good mood food
i would follow a trail of those fuheva eva
I finished devouring this morsel of anything at all
and found the lighting almost acceptable
readable, but with permanent eye damage after a while

empty walls empty room empy brain empty womb
blank page blank mind, ideas, words, thoughts I can't find
trash recycle bin I can't win those inner demons bust my teeth in

slit a wrist open a sleeve cut a vein blow my brain
insane insane in sane out of life
nothing to gain
nothing to lose
cut me open, arachnophobia, rusty, my guts slip out in a
shape
of a noose,

hanging out hanging up face down legs floating body rotating
don't stop believing

hold on
to that feeling.

I feel it rising
In the silent room
I feel it escaping my throat
I don't want it to be revealed.
I will stay calm.

I feel it coming
Up my neck and throat.
It's becoming to strong for me
It's clawing its way out.
My mouth slowly opens
And it rushes into the open, empy room.

The scream is only heard
By the disrupted silence
It keeps coming and coming

How do I make it stop.

My new best friend has perished
Though I only met him last night
His company was cherished
That **** cat knocked him down
And then drank the spilled bourbon
Now I am bereft of my solace
With only the empy bottle, and
I maintain that if Coolidge were still president
This would never have happened.

You tried to catch me
In mid fall
I contimplated stopping you
You insisted to lend a hand

My heart stolen by another
So you slipped into the darkness
You ran many miles, my dear
Just so you could steal it back

But once you found my heart
In a box it was kept
Beating slowly, hypnotically
Dying, starvation grasping it tightly

You rushed back to me, my dear
Heavy breathes fell past your lips
You prayed to God I would still be alive
You found an empy shell of a woman instead

My heart crumbled in your hands
As you stared into my eyes
That day I whispered no you you, my dear
The words cascaded from my mouth

I cant love you, I am broken
I cant be mended, though youre hopin'
My body weak, soul chokin'
Im sorry, my dear, I cant be loved

You took my heart, crumbled may be
Compressed it tightly in your hands, you see
It formed its shape, as it should be
You breathed life back in it
You saved me

*My dear

Thanks to you I feel like I'm living a longer spring than what I thought was posible and now I've grown used to sighs that taste like roses and lavander, rainbows in every pond, and ambrosy-like kisses.
I feel summer coming, but it's warmth doesn't trick me. The melting sun feels like the ****** to the symphony I didn't know how to write until we started making music.
And right behind summer comes autum as the last breath of life. Landscapes worthy of the best museums, all nothing more than a facade to hide the smell of death.
The circle closes with winter and everything that once bloomed in spring is nothing more than a memory covered in frost, in cold, in silence, in empy words, and painful goodbyes.
But right now, we are in spring and I foolishly hope that this relationship is located somewhere in the equator line where we can stay forever in spring.

pink lights possibly work

like the rose tinted spectacles.



everything looks warm and safe,

needing large curtains in sombre fabrics

to hide us. is this the first step, two red

bulbs from poundland, at two for a pound.



fold the empy box flat,

and made keep it for future

ideas on rosiness.



sbm.

All I see when I look at the skies
Is purple stars
They feel so nice,
When the bright side meets my eyes.

All I feel is now outside
I screamed it out last night when I was alone,
Singing old songs trying to sound right
All the feelings stop!
You come to my mind
And the songs that once gave life to my empy room
Die.

A piece of me is lost,
I reward the one who finds it
I don't even remember the last time it was with me
Maybe when I was born
Or when we first kissed.

I’ve got years of feeling empy and
I’ve got friends buried in the ground-
If these feelings last forever,
Can you please not let me down?

You met me, I met you.
We shared our stories.
We laughed.
We cried.
We were always there for each other.
You learned about my demons.
You said you wanted to save me.
I told you I don’t need to be saved or fixed.
I just want you to be there while I save myself.
You made me feel wanted and needed.
You said you are not gonna leave me no matter what.
You said you are willing to love me, I just need to let you in.
And so I break my walls.

Baby, you saw me.
You saw through the facade.
You saw how empy I was.
You saw how much pain I was enduring.
You saw my demons.
You tried.
You tried to endure it too.
And I will not blame you if you got tired.
I will not blame you for walking out.
I will not blame you.
Thank you for trying.
Thank you for loving me.
Perhaps, I was only bound to be alone after all.
I will never forget you.
I will never forget everything.
And in the end, we were only strangers who know everything about each other.
I love you, I always will.
Goodbye, my love.

you keep things going

in others absence

this is a talent

a task that gains recognition

when those around are failing

some times we needs loosening

to start

when blocked

blocking comes with tiredness

we need an empy head

the things it holds at present

(the head that is) are important

never the less

those little things we feel are not

are those which inspire

it may be that major issues

are beautiful challenges

yet are dire reading

not for the early morning

thus rambling i say all is well

here

we do not have locusts

there is no escape

glad for your days off

and domestic tasks

we are ordinary

i like that

i like your description of flowers

while i say nothing



6.52

have hurt the end of my toe

it is nothing at all

The sadness inside has grown
The sadness inside developed a habit
And im still broken
The tears that keep falling,
Developed an ocean & so ive drowned;
Thinking about one thing
Everything will always continue to be black;
& the colours of my spirit have faded away
The silence of my voice is the only loudness thats being heard
Im deaf being quiet
Im mute from screaming
Im drowning from crying
I walked on black ice,
And fell many times
I tried to swim in water,
And i continue to drown
I tried to be strong,
But in the end i was weak
My head was so empy,
But full of sadness
My heart was empty,
But full of pain
My mind was empty,
But full of negativity
My spirits were empty,
But full of emotions
My eyes were empty,
But full of tears
The colour that represents this pain is dark
No shadows
No light
Just dark and black
And this is the depression in the end of this tragedy
This is my sorrow

thirty miles is far to go these days
my calculations say i may walk 4 miles
each time, each day, unless i go twice
then it is doubled of course

so the rain came after i had cleared
from the hedge destruction

sorted the twigs

i find for each ladder
i like the same twigs
as he did

the hedge became another one in the collection
in this much longer sentence without pausing

there were two new horses in the field so i talked
to them and held out a finger, thought of louis

you will not remember him yet he was kind and
went down and the fence went down with him

they took him away

i think of him still

so the house by there belongs to a shepherd
and he done it up nice james

i remember it empy for years and us peering
through the windows imagining the history

pugh’s farm i hear

good to get out these days james
out in the air

i think of you sailing through with added power
and eternal connections