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Glen Brunson Nov 2013
I could run away to you, world.
drink in your every scent, the dust
the hurt.

backpedal through Venetian streets,
high-five Buddhist monks,
paddle softly through the Dead Sea,
eat Vietnamese fish with blind children,
pound out piles of dough in back-alley German bakeries,
kiss the single root of an aspen tree
and post it all online.

grinning like a devil, silently screaming
*my life is better than yours
my life is better than yours
F White Feb 2011
I wanted to be different
to be able to
hold back somehow

to look like a different
world- a new
flower.

But I was still the
same. Inside, outside

You were like an owl
covered in wise
feathers, drenched
in sadness
licked with a coat
of happy
regret

All my heart
went into your
arms and I
fell down the
mountain again.

We've got
to stop writing
These Letters.
Copyright FHW, 2011
Asphyxiophilia Jul 2013
My legs carry me mindlessly through the white-washed walls of the intensive care unit. I am stuck in a labyrinth in which there is no end, there is merely alcoves on either side which take you even further into the maze. Nurses with faces as pale as their uniforms pass me like zombies, their minds calculating numbers on charts which directly correlate to a list of symptoms that equate to something less than diagnosable. I am nothing more than a distant shadow in their busied brains.
Unknowingly, I begin counting the rooms after I pass through the double doors, remembering that yours is the ninth on the right. My heart rate steadily increases, no longer in tune with the clicking monitors that surround me like locusts, calling out to those just as alive and lonely.
I rest my hand on the doorframe of room number ninety-four as I attempt to collect myself. Just as I inhale a deep breath, my vision blurs and every emotion I have (until now) successfully shoved into the deep recesses of my chest now rises up my stomach and into my mouth. I press my lips together, holding back the bile that has taken up unwanted residence on my tongue. Warm tears squeeze their way out from behind my eyes as I swallow it back down, suppressing it once more. I attempt another deep breath, and another, until I realize I am unable to procrastinate any longer.
I hear the rustling of stiff sheets and the slight give of a hard mattress. You're awake.
I clear my throat softly, wanting you to be aware of my presence, although I am certain that the heartbeat that reverberates my eardrums must have given me away miles ago.
A white curtain hangs from the tiled ceiling, held up by metal clamps looped around a pole for easy accessibility and I can't help but wonder if that pole would be strong enough to hold me. But just as I begin planning what sheet and what knot I would use around the pole, I step into view of you.
My hand is pulled to my lips like a magnetic force that is out of my control as I take in the sight of you. Your left eye, which once shone a more brilliant blue than the clear waters of the Caribbean, is now bloodshot and swollen. The left side of your head is bandaged and half of your pale blonde hair is shaved down to your bruised scalp. Your lips, which were once so thin and precious, are now bloodied and blown-up like red balloons. Your bones jut out from beneath your skin, as though your collarbone is rejecting you and begging to be freed. Down your arms I notice the scabs and scars and marks from unsuccessful attempts to hook you to an IV. But there is more than just one bag hanging beside you, and I realize that the other is Morphine.
I take a step closer to you, waiting for your eyes to flutter open like they did so many mornings when I'd wake you with your favorite breakfast (two plain pancakes and a cigarette). Your head tilts slightly to the right but your eyes remain closed. I take another small step, and another, until my waist is just inches from the seemingly disjointed hand hanging limply from the edge of the bed. I reach out and press my shaking fingertips to the hard palm that faces me, hoping for your hand to turn and clasp around mine, silently accepting my every apology.
But your hand remains stiff against my touch.
I memorize the new lines on your hand, the crescent-shaped bruises on your palm and the shallow scratches on the back of your hand where I pressed my lips more times than I could ever possibly count. I trace my way up your arm, my fingertips traveling over the hills of your veins, a familiar territory, and the streams of tubes filled with fluid, an uncharted area. Just as my hand begins the climb up your forearm and into the crease of your elbow, I feel your arm move. But rather than moving towards me, an invitation to venture even closer, it is pulled away from me, a protest.
I take a step back and inhale a deep breath, feeling the rush behind my eyes again, as I notice your right eye is now looking right at me, into me. I search the depths of your gaze in the hope that I will resurface with a strand of hope or affection that I can hold on to for the rest of the day, but I come up empty-handed. All that I can find in your eyes is a direct reflection of the pain that both your heart and body are enduring.  
"I'm so, so, so-"
But before I can even begin to utter my sincerest of apologies, your hand is held inches above the mattress, silencing me. I dive into your eyes again, deeper and deeper, realizing that if I can't find any form of redemption, then I'd rather just drown in them. But you **** me back to reality with only two words.
"Please leave."
I feel the tidal wave crash into my chest as I take another step back.
My worst fear has been realized - you don't want me here.
Suddenly every argument, every fight, every "I'm sorry," every "you don't mean that," every "I love you," every "don't say that," was another wave throwing my helpless body against the cliffs and coral reefs. I am lifeless, my body thrashed beyond recognition, my heart ripped to shreds.
Tears gather behind my eyes and burst through, falling upon my cheeks as though the depths that I have drowned in have finally consumed me.
I reach out once more, my shaking hand yearning for the touch of your skin.
But you pull your head from me, wanting nothing to do with me.
An earthquake shakes my chest and threatens to pull me in half as I backpedal out of the room, temporarily getting wrapped up in the white curtain that I had admired just minutes before.
The rush returns to my head and I can no longer see anything but frothy waves that continue to pull me under, and I can no longer hear anything but the sound of water filling my ears.
My shoulder connects with a sturdy boulder and I fall to the ground, collapsing into nothing more than a puddle, the aftermath of the hurricane that has wrecked my body, and you are no longer able or willing to save me.
Kate Carlson Jan 2014
we all long to feel
something

whether it’s the electrifying fire of pursuit
or the breathless weight of fear

bitter feels better than clearly broken
baited by the false promises of
self-righteousness

our shards and sinkholes are clearly showing
pupils dilate and feet backpedal

uncertain of how to face real emotions or people
we bar the doors of our hearts and blast the radio

Static interrupts our
False peace is shattered
Broken windows taped together finally
Come
Crashing
down



.
.
.
.
.
.



the cool breeze gently tosses your hair
reminding you that it really is ok to feel
that the wetness on your cheeks is not a sign of weakness
that the heaving of your chest is not a sign of hopelessness

each deep breath supplies oxygen and release
shifting weight from the needy to the New
that promises a brighter day shines beyond this steely frame.
winter Jan 2016
there is something haunting
a greedy thing captivated
with it's taunting
of those that have been isolated

i wish i could say
i have never strayed
but my pride for honesty
has taken my modesty.

i swear to you
i have not spoken true deceit
but my panic leaks through
and my real truth becomes obsolete

i wish i could say
i can help it
but something takes over my airway
and i would like to admit:

i have so many unwilling lies in your minds
that i cant stand to look in your eyes
but i hope to release you from dishonest binds
and let me start over.
i say things i dont mean all the time. sorry.
SunFlower Jun 2021
Enlightenment is
Bewildered pieces Moving
Broken and Abused
Had to Read it in Reverse
Joshua Haines Jun 2017
I backpedal before flanks of flames,
auburn and angry, devouring the
fractured field; deconstructing
                     the turn of the century.

The fire jumps up and down,
like a developing polaroid,
asking to be acknowledged
-- to which I can relate, but
I'd like to believe I cause
                  less destruction.

Closing my eyes, I become
submerged in memory of the
hideous boulevard she drove
down, to the tune of disposable
pop singers; crouching next to
the radio, praying with the servants
of postured finer joys like pirate
rubies and sweet kale salads.

When looking up, through the
windshield; through the life;
a tic scampers from eyelid to
cheek, as the car buckles before
a triumph of a deer; the size of
a Godly Eland, shoveling it's
human feet into the downtown
dirt: an asphalt so slick, we
rose from our seats, as the
God split our vehicle in half,
throwing us into opposite
guardrails; dodging cars,
while it watched us.

Shudders of savored gladness
drip down my hairline wound,
painting my face before I die
and return to the towering blaze.
Joanna Oz Nov 2014
my professor tells me that
'we often infer our attitudes through behavior
rather than direct action through intention'
so i'm picking apart
my every move - rewind, re-watch, repeat
the black & white play continuously fluctuates
through infinite shades of gray
as i'm retracing, re-reading between my swiveling lines
to interpret my flip flopping flightiness
i'm flitting across the floor
and my forward motion propels me backwards
into a merry go round of maybe, possibly, & sort of
blurred up & down, up & down, round & round
past decisions that I regurgitated
and now re-ingest to reinforce their meaning
but the recurrent ambivalence I taste
keeps my see-saw heart swinging
and i'd love to have a hand to hold
but all i'm finding are holes to sink into
and the blanket of darkness provides a comforting
lack of sight, but growth lies in the light
so i'll backpedal with all my might
hop on your rocket ship & take a deja vu trip
to the land of indecision where our hearts live.
You write in emergency
But you cause yourself your own problems
Stop saying heavy words to just backpedal on it days later
Quit practicing backpedaling when you're not even a bicyclist.
Turning a key and in turn turning free all the thoughts that then fly, they could flee but then thoughts that fly free have no need to flee or am I missing something?

Bring me my ideas in a box filled with sand and I'll show you castles built not with the hand but the mind and then hand me the key to let all thoughts run free, hand me the sea in a sieve and I'll give you gemstones.

Backpedal.

See how we're home free with the domes of Damascus that would stop men to ask us, how do they do that? we answer them using Aramaic, using ancient and archaic chants planting seeds before the harvest.

Beating chests and tearing hair and where the answers lie for us in the old markets of Lahore we wore stripes on our bedrolls and tore strips from our skin, we didn't win that one and that's for the best.

And Beau Geste in the legion somewhere in the region of a beach, out of sight out of reach and he wasn't real really just someone's idea of an ideal and we fell for it.

Turn me another brother, turn me a key, spin me the wheel and let the numbers fall free.

We all see in the end as the beginning starts to wend its way wearily home and for some the end is another key to set free all
the beginnings we knew and could never see.
There's a right side that we all try to keep on and a wrong side that we hope to stay away from and then there's the night tide which brings in the demons,

jesus
well, there is a bright side somewhere off the edge,
out there when the sun shines,

there are usually three sides, especially in a triangle
a menage a... something or other
when it's someone or other
other than someone and other,

this is sinking init?

never mind, I've sunk more times than this,

yes, I did mention four sides.
but not the inside or outside
the left or the blind side
which makes a lot of sides.
I'm onside with that.
Skyler M Jan 2018
Cab
Here in the dark I will park,
My cab and pray that it will not get blown away,
I let the engine run as I continue my search for more,
The cab then begins its journey as it suddenly contrives,
Through lightless tunnels and pouring rain on the shores,
It stops in front of a light and I’m blinded by the sheen,
I suddenly find that I am scared of what I’ve been searching for,
I figure out that I cannot take the wheel so I backpedal into the trunk,
I feel the cab start to move and I’m terrified for my life,
I peek out of the crack and see the back of a man’s head,
He claims his life depends on me so he’s helping me drive away the light that blinded my own space,
His hands are not even there and I know that he lied,
But I sit inside the trunk and plead towards the morning sun,
The cab finds it in itself to stop by the riverside,
Ignoring the man up front,
I follow the steps in the sand,
I turn around to say, “I’m walking towards the morning sun to find if my doom is washed away and all I did was completely undid.”
So I leave him in the cab as he cries out for my hand,
But I’ve found what I’ve been searching for and I don’t need his say.

— The End —