here we are
sitting side by side,
like it was meant to be from the start.
little did we know about each other
but that did not matter
and what a great chance of luck
that we both got stuck
in the same hospital
sitting side by side,
together, through it all.
2 years before me
were you able to see
the monsters that sprouted
in our mind, never doubted.
the disorder of
perfect order,
is what you have.
and hurt yourself
by slashing your wrists
and because of the bullies
that always used their fists.
on our hospital trip,
we met the others.
doctors and nurses gave us all tips,
on ways to not **** ourselves.
he met daniel and nate
in the boys ward.
while i slept in the other gate.
adeline, or addy,
has quite another story.
her combined-adhd
gets the best of her, just like me.
her problems are the
same colours as my own.
she doesn't eat
until she can feel ripples
in her stomach, and see her feet.
the voices of her
tormentours
damaged her soul,
leaving a hole.
a hole exactly where
the bullies would tear
and rip and shred
her own self, until she was dead.
daniel, blonde, eyes so blue.
he was so young,
only age two,
when he was taken away.
the string of his life
were beginning to fray.
he told us of how he dialed
3 numbers on the phone,
and thats how he became a foster child.
from home to house to home
the more he regret
picking up that phone
"you know you did the right thing"
says doctor camille.
"your parents were destroying
your childhood."
doctor camille was right.
that didnt mean
he didnt slip further into depression
each night.
moving and moving and moving.
he never found a place
that didnt feel like he was losing.
every family sent him back,
because he would have attacks,
until finally one family
called the doctor and said,
"hes scared, can't you see?"
schizophrenia,
thats its name.
daniel says its
like a tornado of mania.
he's scared, afraid, terrified.
"what if the voices tell me
to not stop till i have died?"
how can you eat
when all you feel
is fear and beat?
"how am i suppose
to eat when i only
think about when i am so lonely?"
"daniel, its not you.
its your disease that makes
you thinner and blue."
nate -nathaniel- from b gate.
age 12, height five foot, eight.
light brown hair,
running his hands on
his head with care.
nate has been here before,
its not his first time.
he began by saying
he was sexually abused by a "manwhore".
in his old home
back in los angeles,
where his uncle used to roam.
and eventually moving in to stay.
that marked when
nate would be afraid to come out and play.
the self hatred hit you hard
those memories that you wear
have been charred.
when you cry,
you always want to die.
when you hurt,
you leave blood on your shirt.
but when you love,
everything else rises above.
but affection-
you could not feel,
wherever you were headed,
is where the sad kids go to deal.
you weren't into everything,
but your choices made sure you had a good time.
believing all your life
that if paid to love you, no one would spare a dime.
i remember telling us all
about your great hope
of climbing onto a ledge, expecting a fall.
but that moment before you jump,
you said you heard your hurt
go, 'thump, thump, thump.'
and that made you cry.
you explaining to everyone here,
that you still want to die.
but inside you, you hold a deeper fear.
lastly,
lux & lucy,
their story is quite ghastly.
so hold onto your loved ones.
unlike these twins,
you must have tons.
lux sees herself
opposite of her name.
she would exclaim
to us all in group.
black, studs, piercings, hate,
everything she is
and all she wants for herself is to sedate.
"why is that" asks dr. camille.
"because the monsters
in my head cant be revealed."
we all wondered
what monsters she had
all of us sitting here are thundered
by our own devil's minions,
so why did she say no
from her opinion?
for the first few days,
neither lux or lucy
said what made them gaze
off into each
of their own reality.
not until lux was shaken awake,
by one of the orderlies,
which was a big mistake.
she was catatonic,
her eyes i'll never forget,
how they looked so demonic.
later when we had group,
she finally spoke
and as she spoke, her head began to droop.
psychotic depression erupted
through her when she and her sister
were physically corrupted
by their father.
hard punches,
stinging slaps,
lethal kicks,
fatal grips.
lux already had
the disorder
of being bipolar
coursing in her DNA
and her father sought to control her.
'"i can't have a daughter so * up like you."
many times, against the wall
is where he threw
my sister and i.'
after nights like these,
lucy would lock herself in her room
and cry till daylight.
but nights like these,
where she would try to hide,
a banging on her door would make her freeze.
when their father
discovered poor little lucy,
he would beat her for hiding.
the more the twins were hit,
the more lucy was deciding
how much she would force up.
this was her secret,
that only she would keep,
to always force up the food that settled deep.
but after one certain meal,
lucy went to her room,
skipping the bathroom,
and broke the seal
on a new bottle.
this was the deal
she made with herself,
"if everything turned to ***,
take one bottle off the shelf
and let these pills be how you will commit."
'in the hospital i awoke,
which was followed by
meeting all of these folks.'
so this is the true tale
of how we met
of course it lacks a few details,
but to know those secrets
i guess your insanity would have to tip the scales
so you can join us all here,
where we all met.
where we thought we might die,
each of us appeared.
we did not meet
to save each other,
we met before our moments of death
to accompany one another.
