i have so much to say to you,

but i'll never say it,

so instead,

i post it here.

they say love is not supposed to hurt
but it does.
it hurts to say it.
it hurts to feel it.
it hurts to know it.

but maybe it's not the love itself
that is painful.
what's painful are the cracks
and ropes
that trap us to this mess.
I'm tired of being trapped here
and I'm tired of feeling hurt.
I wanna escape
but there's not a single way out

If you were a book,
I'd read you again.

If you were a ride,
I'd wait in line.

If you were my dream,
I'd never awaken.

If you were a star,
I'd never look down.

If you were a flower,
I'd never look up.

If you were mine,
I don't know what I'd do;
But I'd do it.

I walk on eggshells to not upset you,
but it's hard to tell if it is working,
because my feet have gone numb.
You terrify me to my very core.

I never know if today will be a day that you love me
or love me not.
I'm like a daisy and you pick my petals whenever you want to,
but those days that you don't,
I miss your hands on me.
Because it lets me know you still want me.

People say you're abusing my mind,
but I can't tell what is real and what is not anymore..
I don't know if I want to tell.
What if everything becomes clear
and I lose you.
What if everything becomes clear
and you don't think I'm worth it.
What if everything becomes clear
and I'm
all
alone.

My friends say I'll never be alone because I have them.
But will they kiss my nose when I'm being stubborn?
Will they put my on their shoulders and parade me around their house?
Will they kiss me softly when I just want to be close?
No.
Because they can't.

He's my lightswitch.
He brings my life light and joy,
but he controls when the darkness rains.

It terrifies me how in love I am with you.
It terrifies me how you could not love me at anytime.
It terrifies me how this could all be over tomorrow morning.
You terrify me.
But I let you, because you're my favorite nightmare.

I don't know what to do to make you miss me.
I look for you everywhere,
in dating apps, the grocery store, my heart.
You were easy to be with,
right as rain on a good day, glacier-like on the bad.
I didn't know what to do when you closed off from me,
but I knew not even the jaws of life could pry your vault open.
I got no where,
like I was trying to saw out the version of you I needed with a nail file.
Now you're gone, I'm here,
and you still don't miss me.