don't sleep anymore
feeling on top of the world
no one can stop me now
can go hours on end
of thoughtless talks
constantly moving
legs bumping up and down
up and down
biting my nails
gritting my teeth
irritated
impulsive
indecisive
happy as all hell
but it will not last
i can bet you that

i'm in that state again
where i'm not sure
if i'm stable enough
to seem "normal"

i think about disappearing
for a while
or maybe forever

every little thing tends to irk me
i'm sorry if i take
my anger out on you
when you don't deserve it

it just seems to me at this time
i can do without life
and life do can without me

see i was extremely happy
about two days ago
but my sadness did not like that
so it decided to take back over

i'm not good enough
i'm reminded by
the scars on my skin
and the ones deep down
inside my chest
the redness in my eyes
when i awake in the morning
it's either the nightmares
or you
that keep me awake
both harbor the same
pain inside

you always pop into my mind
from time to time
like you're some type of drug
and i'm a recovering addict

You're the reason I stopped drinking
You were the only vice I needed
But the second you left is the second
I picked up the bottle again

in a dazed state
all i can feel in my blood is you

the anger i have for you
yet i still have uncontainable love for you

and god ******
i wish i could take a needle
and draw you out of my body
every square inch of it

it's not that easy though
so i guess i'll go
take another shot
or have a a few more hits

i'll pass out eventually
but you'll still be there
in my vivid dreams

you say you love me
but the only way you show it
is when you **** me

you say you care about me
but not when you're spewing venom out of your mouth
and then later on apologize to me

you've never complimented me
even though i always compliment you
i just hope you think beautifully about me

i don't understand why you constantly tell me you love me
when clearly our toxic relationship is full of lust  
please stop, i'm begging you to stop telling me you love me

i overdosed that night
i took a blade to my wrists
all because of you

i look back and think
how foolish of me
i wanted to die
because you left me broken
i physically felt as though
you took my heart
straight out of my chest

thank god im alive today
how silly would it be my soul was no longer here
all because you left

i've learned my lesson
don't get too emotionally invested in another person

never again will i depend on another soul
to fix me

why do i keep on waking up
next to you
with our bodies intertwined
we're not together anymore
you fiddled with my heart
and went back
to you first love
while i'm drowning my sorrows
in alcohol most nights
which i haven't done
since i met you

most of the times
i feel like i'm forever
going to want to off myself
every day i think about it
i've almost gone too far

some days i don't care if i do
i should be scared of that
but i'm not

i'm never happy with myself
or the the way i look

i have my good days
but they happen less than the bad

i don't really know
what i'm trying to get at
i guess it's just
god please pick up
i harbor the pain most days
but the days i don't
be by my side
and don't let me drown

the only ******* reason it hurts
is because it was real
what we had was real
and don't you deny that

you can't take back those words
you ever spoke to me
they're embedded in my mind

you can't take back the days
where you held me
when the world seemed too cruel to bare

and all i wanted to do was
take a bottle of pills
and let the blood flow from my wrists

but where are you now?