There are too many times where I’ve destroyed my body
In order to destroy my thoughts.
Too many times where I’ve added hard problems to my long term life
Just to subtract myself from the quick moment.
I’m talking about drug, alcohol, and cigarette usage.
I’m talking about those days where I want my mind to stop working so badly
That I personally picked a poison to start destroying it.
I’m talking about those times where I hated my reality so much
I swallowed down a pill in hopes that it would distort it
Momma told me that smoking kills
So I bought a carton of cigarettes to test if she really does speak truth or lies
No matter what substance I turn to life will always get more ruthless
Satan is always five steps ahead me
Whenever I even glimpse at the road to recovery
In order to find that slight view of happy
I pop another pill in hopes that this time the effects will last
I pop it in hopes that I never have to pop in another one again
I pop it knowing in the back of my head
This could be my destruction
Codeine is not known for curing mental illnesses
Yet I’ve convinced myself that it’s my only prescription.
And I drink until I can’t feel even the slightest of tinglings
Make sure to take my medicines with a hard shot of whiskey.
Because the longest suicide attempt takes form in addictions.
It takes the form of needles and unmarked orange containers;
It floats around in the smoke that your lungs bathe in;
And it fills up the empty liquors bottles that you keep on leaving.
You don’t have to cut up your body in order to **** it
All you have to do is poison the **** out of it
A cigarette a day keeps the your sanity at bay
Another liquor bottle meeting your lips helps get you closer to the apocalypse
The more you snort up your nose helps your body decompose
We don’t pop bullets in our heads
We pop pills into our immune systems
We somehow thought that a long, painful death
Was more appealing than a quick
We aren’t exploding our brains
We are slowly murdering them
Tiptoeing into the inside
And taking the nerves out one shot at a time.

For some reason people think that because I have depression
I am a magician.
My most famous act is
Somehow making my mental illness disappear right in front of you.
At least, that’s what you think I can do.
You think that I am amazing
For taking that frown on my face and making it smiling.
I think it is now time for me to reveal my magical secret.
It’s a little thing called faking it.
It’s a little thing called I am sick.
Not only mentally but also sick of hearing those words
“Just stop being sad.”
If I could, don’t you think I would?
If I could stop those thoughts of ending it all;
If I could stop the pain in my chest when I walk in the halls;
If I could stop the numbness I feel every day;
Yes it does feel horrible;
Then don’t you think that I would?
I have somehow convinced you that I like feeling like this.
That the thoughts of suicide in my head make me feel bliss.
I don’t know how I have gained these powers
All it took was hours upon hours
Of gaining the courage to talk about my depression to a friend.
But I guess you don’t really understand.
Nor do you feel the need to help me get off of this path.
Instead you just tell me to stop being sad.
I am already feeling dead.
I am already getting ready to leap off the edge.
It’ll take more than that
To help me get back on the cliff.
But you don’t seem to give a **** about that ****.
To you I am just an act.
I am not a person who is suffering
I am not someone who is crying for help.
I am not someone with their own knife on their neck.
I am just a magician.
One you think can just stop their depression.
I don’t know when I became a magician.
Maybe it was when my older sister started practicing disappearing.
She finally succeeded awhile back.
But let’s not get into that.
Maybe I started practicing this magic
When I was taken away from my mother; the drug addict.
I was only five years old then
And I was already on my way to becoming an amazing magician.
Wow.
I never thought I could amount to so much
Maybe if I try the disappearing act myself that’ll increase their love.
Maybe then they’ll wait at my grave
Hoping that I come back one day.
I think one of my greatest acts now
Is hiding the scars.
It’s called “Cutting on Your Thighs Instead of Your Arms.”
Another one of somehow getting fat but then skinny.
That one is called “Just Stop Eating.”
You seem to love this acts that I do.
I can’t believe this audience that has appeared out of the blue.
Is my dad in there?
It would be the first time I saw him in eight years.
Is my sister in this crowd?
Did she finally come back
Only to see her little sis pull off her same act?
I am the next Houdini
Be prepared to witness my greatness
I will stand on this stage
And you will know my name by the time we’re done.
By the time you do though I’ll be flying into the sun
Because now-a-days
It seems that the only way to get people to pay attention
Is to leave this dimension.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves.
And remember,
I’ll see you in Hell.

ring ring ring* this is a call letting you know that your life is about to be a nightmare. A call telling you are the reason for all the troubles. A call letting you know, how much of a failure you are. A call confirming all your doubts. A call saying that I am the reason. The reason why everything *****. After you let them talk. The caller hangs up and you start to wonder is it truly me . Was I the cause , should i have been born. Then you replay the happiest moments. You start to say " I am not the problem" . You hope that you won't cry yourself to sleep tonight. You hope that tomorrow is a new day. You try to ignore the fact that you get that call. In reality that call has been added to the pile of disgrace. In the end you will label your self as disgrace, but that's ok cause it's only temporaryYou will soon find a new label and the old label will soon fade the day will come when I look back and see all the pain that people have cause me and I will simply yell "*******. And leave

Fifty lives are lost
Fifty hearts bleed out on the floor
Fifty bodies that deserved so much more
Fifty.
A community is suffering.
Safe spaces were invaded
And now we all know
That there is no such thing as safe when you’re in this community.
Coming out takes a lot of bravery.
It’s knowing that you could get hurt or worse
All because of your gender or sexuality.
Fifty people died because of their gender or sexuality
Fifty people decided that they loved their differences
Fifty people became open about their differences
Fifty people decided to help make a difference
Fifty people were murdered because they were different.
As a part of this community
I am suffering.
There’s such a long path to equality
And we still have a lot more to go.
Not all of this path will be covered in rainbows
Some is splattered with blood.
Some is stained by homophobia
Some is bumpy with hatred
And some of it is blocked by bodies of the ones who didn’t make it.
Whether it’s these fifty people
Or the other ones that we have lose before.
We have too many fallen soldiers
And we’ll most likely gain even more
Because the fight for equality is a ****** war
But it’s one that’s worth fighting for
Fifty of our soldiers just died fighting this war
To honor their spirits, please
Don’t ever stop fighting for equality.

I did not know that when I became open about being a lesbian
That I had become a pornstar.
I knew that I was already something that men could sink their teeth in
But things got worse.
I can still pinpoint the exact moment I wanted to retreat back to the closet
And it’s ninth grade biology.
I was sitting at a table talking to a friend
“Yes, I am officially dating Mickie.”
And all of a sudden a painful dart pierces the air.
“Who is he?”
I hated the way it felt when it broke into me so I corrected him.
“He’s a she.”
I can already see his ******* growing
With images of me and my lover intertwined
Something I hadn’t even thought of yet because the last thing on my mind was ***
I was thinking about this week’s bio test.
The darts kept coming as he asked about how lesbians have ***
My love life became a corkboard
I sat there accepting every dart that passed
No matter how many times I asked him to stop
He seemed to have an unlimited amount of darts
His friend joined in on asking ****** questions
Asking if he could see a photo of my girlfriend
Asking how many times a day did she make my legs open
Asking if I would still be down to **** him
I learned that day that sometimes it’s better to lie.
Sometimes saying “Yes I have a boyfriend,”
Is easier than admitting that you’re a lesbian
I still hesitate to tell straight men
Because I am already just a piece of flesh from the sink their teeth in
It seems that when they find out I am gay
I just become a challenge
I am a piece of prey that they see as stubborn
I am nothing more than prey.
I do not deserve any respect in their eyes
If anything I should be respecting them by letting them inside
I am their favorite **** category.
Because thanks to various ****** they think that their **** can turn me
Because my lover and I are just what they ******* to
They think that my lover and I just **** all day
That we are always willing to be men’s prey
That because I am not a ‘butch’
I’m not really gay just wanting attention
I am sick of being a **** category!
I’m sick of being asked ****** questions whenever I say that I have a girlfriend
There’s a problem when I’m hesitating on mentioning my girlfriend
There’s a problem when I,
A teenage girl who decides hold her girlfriend’s hand is public,
Thinks that that’s the bravest thing she’s ever done.
I hate having to message random men online
Lying through my teeth saying
“I have a boyfriend.”
But it seems that they respect other men more than they respect my decisions.
So to the boy in class who prefers to imagine me ******* my girlfriend than paying attention in biology,
All I have to say to you is this
That day I went home and I cried.
I went home and considered being open all over again
I considered my life.
I wanted to be a writer and make her my favorite inspiration
But it seems like my career has already been chosen
I am the stubborn prey for you to sink your teeth in
I am the girl you see as a challenge.
No, I am not down to **** you off.
No, I am not a ******* pornstar.
No, you cannot watch.
Now please, do me a favor.
*******.

When you pressed your lips to mine
That was the first time I ever felt sparks fly.
I was a stable pile of gunpowder waiting to be ignited
And I finally found my lighter
It’s you.
I felt every corner of my body be lit inside.
I never felt more alive.
Kiss me again so those flames never die.
Let’s make one thing clear though
It wasn’t like the movies
I didn’t see any fireworks
Instead I felt them inside of me
I felt my nerves explode with feeling
I felt the gunpowder in my body start sparking
I didn’t think anyone could make me feel this way just by kissing
But apparently I underestimated you.
I started sweating because of the heat my body was emitting
If you took my temperature, than you’d think of me sick
In a way, I guess I am
Although it has nothing to do with germs or my body temperature
And everything to do with my feelings for you.
I didn't think I could ever become this head over heels for someone
But then again I never thought that I would feel fireworks
I don't think I'll ever step foot into any waterworks
Because I never want to stop feeling those fireworks.

The shattered fragments of my childhood savior
I can see right through my broken future.
I guess these windows are hung
Glass shards flow into my chest
Piercing into the area you left.
Glass isn’t suppose to break that young.
Looking through the window pane.
All I can feel is pain.