I've been through worse
so much worse
and I survived
so I know I can now too

I can make it

but here's the thing,
its not one problem
or some huge thing
weighing me down

its the little things
the way I'm always alone
every time I see them happier without me
the way I don't sleep anymore
every mistake I make
the way I've given up on being clean
every person who leaves, one by one
the way I've lost all energy
every night I barely pull through
all of it

its wearing me down
little by little
it's drowning me

a small stream
slowly corroding my mind, body and soul
till I'm destroyed
a shell of who I once was
so utterly useless
that there's no point anymore

it's not that I cant survive
it's that I don't want to anymore

Brain matter oozing sideways
Adults are oh so dumb
The masked man is on the loose
You need more than just a gun
Shes running for her life
The woods so very dark
Grandmother’s seen as insane
Michael Myers has left his mark

I always sit in the back of the room, trying desperately to fade away. But as I sat in class one day, I realized it's not just my world that is so very gray.

To my right sat this girl with brown eyes, so sad, so wise. She laughed and joked, turning to me to smile. Her eyes pain ridden. All class we talked, sharing some things, others kept hidden. We were each other's life lines for sixty minutes.

That day she looked so lost, like she couldn't see the room. Her eyes were so glossed, glued to the oblivion in her mind. Her smile had shifted slightly, her laugh not quite right. All the while she gazed blindly to the front where this curly haired girl sat.  Her façade was breaking, but I think she no longer cared about that.

As I watched her watch the girl laugh and live, I think I saw something in her eyes die.

I found myself slowly watching them both, not understanding why I didn't see this before. Or how everyone could be oblivious to the tangible pain that connected the two girls. Everyday I saw more and more of the chain that was drowning the girl to my right.

Each day the happy girl talked to this person next to her, laughing and joking in every way the girl next to me tries to do every day. All the while the girl with brown eyes observed, and each day she slowly became more reserved.

I think she used to love the curly brown haired girl.

She turned to me today about half way through the class, looking about as breakable as glass. And she said with those brown eyes filled with dread:
"I would give the world to switch body's with them, even if in the end it were only pretend. I'd give my life to laugh with her for three seconds, even if I weren't actually me. I'd **** to talk to her, even if I were the one to end up dead."

But I guess she chose to solely watch instead.

I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My hands won't stop shaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
And yet people are still taking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
This pain is breathtaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
It's just so hard faking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My heart is still aching
I'm waking
     I'm making
          I'm breaking

grief isn't sadness
grief isn't pain
grief isn't something
that words can explain

grief is an ocean
grief is a flood
grief is like having
your feet stuck in mud

yet grief is a stronghold
grief is a rope
grief holds onto you
when life's lost all hope

grief means it happened
grief shows it was here
grief is the proof
that love's never fair

Solitude is where she lived.
Privacy is where she hid.
She always thought she was alone,
But was never truly on her own.
You see, it lived right by her side,
Promised to be there until she died.
She was lost, within her head.
Although so close, she wasn’t dead.
She thought she only needed love,
Or help from someone way above.
But what she required was herself,
And to work solely on her health.
To find her, and do it first.
With no one there to tell her that,
It screamed to her, and doused her thirst.
It took the stand, brought her home
It cried her name, it called her bluff
Saw her pain, declared enough
Knew her heart, and how she’d lack
The silence woke her, it brought her back

.          *******               *******         *******                  *******
           I was just            I just saw          I just heard            I was just
           ripped               your                                your                     torn
           back                 eyes                                    laugh                  ba­ck  
           into                 in                                                  in           ­      into
           my                my                                             ­      my               my
           past            reflection                                void mind            past


                                          ­            *******
                                                      that hurt

I'm here to write something happy
something true and dear to heart
preferably without exposing the agony
rattling in my chest and tearing me apart

I'm here to use my love for words
to express something I don't feel
happiness, where did you go
oh, were you ever real?

were you in the breeze that made me feel like flying
as I rode my bike with neighbor boys?
or were you in the ice cream dripping on my shirt
on the summer days that buzzed with lively noise?

oh happiness, what were you?
please just let me feel
but no, how could you penetrate a heart
that's made of steal?

people keep on telling me:
life

                   gets

                                       easier,

                        but

                                  ­      oh

                                                       ­  no,

                                        no

                ­                                          it

                   ­                                                      does

                                                           ­                                   not      


it gets manageable.

so when people say:
"you

              get

                          used

                                           to

                                                        it,
 ­                                           
                     ­                    the
                                                      
      ­                                                people

         ­                                                              leaving,
                                                                ­                          
                                      ­                                                      the

                                                                ­                                           lies
                  
                                         ­                                                    and
                          
                                                                ­                grief",

                                        ­                            I
                            
                                   ­                  just
                              
                             ­       want
                      
                      to
                                      
scream.
because that's just not true.
I'm

         not

                used

                            to

                                    it
I'm

         just

                   numb...

Everyday is like the last
Every week a blurry mess
How I wish to make it stop
Just to hurt a little less

But how could I do that
When the reason for all this pain
Is the only thing I cannot fix
The only thing I cannot regain

When what's causing all this pain
Is a pain all by itself
The pain of losing love
That steals us from ourselves

Oh, the beauty of it
That we've all come to hate
And no matter what we do
No one can prevent fate

I can't quite remember
the moment
everything
shifted

when I stopped waking up
feeling anything but tired
or when I stopped going to sleep
praying for anything but the end

maybe it was the day you left
physically, I mean
or perhaps the weeks leading up
the weeks that numbed me to my bones

perhaps it was the months that followed
and the way little parts of me
seemed to just
drift away

I stopped looking both ways
while crossing a busy road
stopped being careful
while walking alone in public

I didn't notice when I stopped running
to the safety of my bed once the lights went out
instead I slowly wandered through the house
no longer afraid of the dark or what it could hide

because what can a car
or a creep
or the dark, where my fears would once reap
do that will ever compare to the way
you broke me

The worlds no longer bright
Our sun has been banished
The moon hidden behind the clouds
World wide power outage
All lights gone out

Whole day spent watching
Watching myself, careful
Can't relax, always checking
Just enough, never too much

Blending in, hiding
Nowhere to hide, to be myself
Waiting for night, staying up late
Finally free, alone at last

I                                                                ­                                              
don't                                                            ­                                        
       scream                                                           ­                             
                   for                                                              ­                      
                       help...                                                          ­              

but
whisper                                                         ­                                                                 ­              


my                                                            ­ 
    words
              so                      
                  soft...               ­                                                                 ­  

small                                                  


as to not lose my voice
                         on such a meaningless task 
                                                     that will go unheard anyways

there's bile in my throat
and a burning in my eyes
my chest is constricting
I feel as though I may die

I can't breath
my lungs are breaking
the world is blurry
my hands are quaking

there's this numbness now
it followed suit
so I know a panic attack
is painfully acute

maybe if i don't sleep









I wont have to wake









and then maybe just maybe









i'll be happy

It's a different kind of pain
The type that grounds the soul
A release for your brain
It makes you feel more whole
Only lasts a second, gone so quick
Yet its enough, it must be
And yes, I know its sick
But it's the last way left to flee
It's disgusting, it's wrong
I know that, okay?
I'm trying to be strong
Taking it day-by-day
Just don't get how no one can see
The way I'm no longer me

ouch my chest hurts
my head is spinning
all I can think
is what if this is it?

I don't understand.
this has happened before
I've lost you and found you
why does this bother me more

ouch my chests tight
my head is foggy
all I can think
is what if I never see you again

there's a pressure in my chest
a chill that spills through my body
my hands are damp and shaking
I can feel this pain throughout me

had another of those days
and last night was one of those nights
got home and went straight to my room
hiding from the sunlight

but now it's dim and cold outside
I can hear the rain and wind
the lights are off, my door is closed
my eyes now red and rimmed

I did a thing I said I wouldn't
yet somehow I don't care
people say they're here for me
but tell me, why aren't they there?

still it hurts, a slow and aching pain
a kind that I don't mind
it reminds me that I am alive
it reminds me to be kind

because the people whom I love
should never have to feel
the pain of being alone and lost
the pain of feeling real

there's a pressure in my chest
as I go about my day
not thinking of the night before
as I fake my fake "okay"

why didn't you listen
to a single word I said
I finally told you what I'd been thinking
I allowed you within my head

I told you how you hurt me
I explained just how I felt
but you ignored my pain
and your bitter words left welts

I may not have been right
but neither were you
and I'm sure as hell
you're not mature enough to know its true

you didn't even see me
just wouldn't ever listened
I loved you as you broke my heart
and saw you while my eyes glistened

I hear your laugh in my mind
it hurts more than you'll ever know
I still need you here with me
more than I'm willing to show

I hate the way you don't care
and how you just moved on
I hate the way you don't need me,
and how our love is gone

but mostly I hate myself
for loving you so recklessly
and missing you so much
stupid me, thinking you'd always love me

I really am an idiot.