You called for me, asked me to find you

and I looked

But I never found you

Because I was looking for the man
you told me you were

Too bad he doesn't exist

Do you think it hurts more
To suffer in silence,
when an answer is possible?

Or to finally speak up,
to not be understood and
return to a quiet sigil?

I sit on the edge of my heart
Looking for a beautiful part

You say they are everywhere
When you call I love you, it echos
But I see nothing out there
And no love of mine returned from the get go

Why are you hollow
If you love me?
                                              
                          Because you'll never        
                             love me equally

Why leave if you
really want to stay?

                          Because I need you to    
                                fade back to 2D

Why do you not
want our reality?

                           Because you're just    
                                  a beautiful
                                     fantasy.

.....Do you really
think this will work?

                             .....I don't know,
                              but I have to try  
                                   something

Tired from the long journey,
He turns to go,
Dragging fingers of fire
   Along behind him in
           Red,
                   Orange,
                               and Yellow

He waves a final goodbye
Glinting tears left in his wake
      as the clouds close
               Behind him in
                                       Pink,
                          Purple,
      and Blue

I thought I was smart enough
Not to fall back in the same hole
So why am I here again? Why,
Do I keep ripping up my own soul?

"Have hope, don't give in"
but here I am again, burned
Stop telling me you care,
I'm tired of watching your back, turned

I'll never belong with you, that's the lesson
Maybe this time, I'll have actually learned

I came for the tune
And stayed for the lyrics

I wanted to understand the fuss
Thought you were full of it, I believed it

It was the vacation of a moment
And, months later, I wonder what happened

And today you sang and I sang along
And after all your jokes, I caved, laughin'

And as I sang, I looked at you
And it hit me, hard and fast and true

My smile fell and the tears fell
Because it's too late now, and I love you

Oh how, how can I help you see?

That you were never a bucket full of holes
But a watering can

That you never dragged me down
You were my anchor

That you weren't spinning out of control
You were a compass

That you didn't fail because you fell
You were a shooting star

And you were everything I wished for

I wish I were someone
Who never forgot how to smile

But I did

So now I want to be someone
who always forgets to stop

I want to wonder like you do
Why rainbows paint the sky
I want to forget like you do
That last moment you wanted to cry

I want to find joy like you do
In all the little things
I want to laugh like you do
When you dance and sing

I want to be like you are now
Just as I once was
And think the world is amazing
For no reason, just because

Can you feel it?
Your soul crawl under your skin
As you pretend to be everything
They want you to be

Can you see it?
In your mind's eye
How their faces would twist
From happy to hateful

Can you hear it?
Your own words as
They writhe into one more story
And choke you

Can you know it?
No, this is how you test
The love that entwined you and them
Because maybe honesty means freedom

What are you waiting for?
Life changers, society shakers
Don't need to wait for something more

Strike that match and start a fire
One that catches in everyone's hearts
One that lives to inspire

Don't wonder any longer
Just jump and ***** the warning label
You were ALWAYS stronger

Bold colors fade, not disappear
Bright lights go out,
Long before their glow clears

Let the next generation
Grow up in a world where they
Never knew the absence of your creation

Tell me again
Where I am safe again
The house I'm within?
In the crowd of a million?
Anywhere the sun is shinin'?

Do you really believe this?
Because I really believed this
'Til I met those who readily dismiss
The rules on which we subsist
Who turn safety into an abyss

Because that's the thing about being safe,
We aren't the only ones who get a say
And it's not hard for another to take it away

On the first of a million dates,
I became your valentine.
On our millionth day together,
I took your last name as mine.

You were a million miles away,
When our family of two became three
I never saw in million daydreams
How much she could change you and me

And she’s changed in a million ways
Since you last held her safe from harm
But now as a million bombs fall,
You cradle death not life in your arms.

Of the million times you’ve left before
I never feared forever would end
Now we pray for a million and first time,
When we can hold you close again

Crazy     Sick
Struck   Blind     
Madly   Falling

Terrible to imagine until we look again
Through rose-colored glasses

Dear You of the spotlight
At the center of everyone's view

I hope that among the glamor and glitter
There is someone who sees what's true

That in your endless music they hear
The piece of you that you've disguised

That while every loves the perfect you,
They'll love the real you you hide inside

That when you trip along the way
They'll be there to catch you at those times

That as you wonder, "can I do it all?"
"You can and you're not alone", they'll chime

And finally,

That as everyone takes something from you They'll give their everything to you

From: The shadows
To: you of the spotlight
At the center of everyone's view

Write a verse
Write a phrase
Without direction
Hazy maze

Drink the vinegar
Filled with rage
Cut my heart
Feel the pain

Sink in the bizarre
It'll write so nice
Wander alone
'Till I'm frozen in ice

Chance upon love
Hope it lasts
Joy fades quick
So pen it all fast

Pick your poison
It's a tool
It's ink for art
A poem's fuel

Did I ever really love you?

Or did I just want to make sure that someone loved you?

Did you ever really love me?

Or did you just love the idea of me?

"Home again home again
My my it's been a while"
My old demon sneers
With his sickening smile

"Hope you didn't dream
I'd never come back"
He scowls and snarls
"You're not lucky 'nough for that"

I shiver in shock
Then shatter and shrink
I thought I was free
The only thing I can think

"You aren't free at all
Never were, never will be"
He says, his shadow surrounding
"Never enough to beat me"

Deep in my darkening mind
A little light doesn't give in
Stalwart and small, it says
Not by much but we're stronger than then

The little candle isn't enough
To dispel my old demon
But enough to build myself on
A hope to believe in

The world is splendid
Just become some words exist
And elicit pure emotion like

Sinister and Sundance
Miserly malevolence
Traipsing troubadors
Effervescence and efficacy
Roguish racketeering
Peevish, and prismatic
Incandescent and inundated
Flippant, frivolous, fictitious
Beleaguered and boarish
Opulent and obstructive
Gaunt and Gallavanting
Visceral and villainous
Whimsical wanderlust

A list that could flowing infinitely
And thankfully it does

A sunshine person,
Like joy in a bottle,
Or a summer star shower,
Is a stand-alone marvel,

They make light of the storms
No monsoon is ever frightening
They laugh like the thunder
When they crack jokes like lightning

They take every green fast
So they can feel the wind race
But happily stop for the roses
When reds make for a slow pace

You can blow out every candle
Or even pull the stars from the sky
But you can't take their shine
Because it comes from inside

I came back to my genesis
Back to hazy house of my past
Where my family still grows
And mem'ries still flow
Many strong and fast

But something's just not right
In this place I should belong
Every "familiar" feels so different
Like hollow, empty imprints
And on top of all the wrong

Here I feel claustrophobic.

He had the sun in his smile
And a black hole in his heart
And you never knew which would win

He wore the stars like a sweater
And their heat kept him warm
In place of all the people he never let in

He laughed with the northern lights
And sung as they danced
While you thought him again

Phasing through life like the moon
Waxing, wanning, full, and new
With a cratered mind within, because

Loving him is like a shooting star
You wish with hope for a chance
Knowing you'll fall and burn up in the end

Here I am again
Hiding from the world again
Watching Joy smile in the distance
While Empty keeps me company

Far away Life laughs on
Would I be safe with her?
From Pain who follows me
Where Anger is a stranger

I've seen people abandon Sadness
And cross to the other side
Where Greener tends his grass
I watch start to end and still can't comprehend

Did Chance teach them how?
Was it Faith who boosted them over?
I'll bet it was Love who held off Fear
If I listen close, maybe one day, I'll hear Hope

Today was the sky was sad
It cried and cried so I cried too
Mom said it was okay
Because the raindrops bring little flowers

Clouds fell down all the way to the ground today
And the whole world disappeared
Dad said it was okay
Because it's easier to play Hide and Seek

Today I stayed up so so late
That I got scared when all the light was gone
***** said it was okay,
Because now the little lights can shine too

Today I wondered about
the bad things in the world
But brother said it was okay
Because they were just good things in disguise

Sweet kettle scent
And sugar clouds
Blinking color lights
And jaunty music loud

Catch a fish
Off the rim
Pop the balloons
So close try again

Sit and spin
Sit and soar
Sick and dizzy
Let's go once more

From light to dark
Hot to cold
One more ride
Around and slow

Share a secret
Share a kiss
Spy a star
And make a wish

Blue, green,
Red and white
Carnival lights
wink out of sight

The rides all sleep
The music fades
Can't wait for tomorrow
For another fair day

Everyone fears pain and death
And after it's over, what will be left
But don't forget tragedy
Can bring us some clarity
About what really matters
When the whole world shatters
Because nobody could care about
The color of your skin if they believe
They will never see you again
We can't argue about sexuality
When we are worried about mortality
We can't put work before family
In the midst of this anomaly
There's no fight, democratic vs republic
When hospital beds are the home of the public
How could we ever fight a war with guns
When a virus is killing us all, old and young
When the war is inside our very lungs
I think we can afford to bite our tongues
Because to strip away contention
Is to leave only compassion
How much good could we do as a whole
If only we thought with the heart and soul
We're born to do good and live to be better
So when we die, we rise with a soul unfettered

I drank the ocean,
Down to the very last drop
But I still feel empty

I stand on the sun
Blind and burning
But the shadows inside remain

I watch the stars turn
In the black of the night
And see my heart reflected

There's a storm in my head
A torrential downpour of pain
With flashes of rage
And thunders of despair

The streets are flooding
And the night is getting dark
And I can't turn the tide
I can't stop the heartache

I feel every emotion but joy
I know hundreds of thousands
Of words that mean pain
So why do they all feel hollow

My hand hovers useless
Above the empty page
Waiting for the storm drains to clear
So the words can flow free

But until then I drown

When I was with you
Everything was confused
I can never recall
The during, just the fall
When everything shattered
And suddenly nothing mattered
I didn't think it possible
For it to go so Holocaustal
It was only after dust settled
And you were long gone in revel
When I was no longer smothered
That I finally discovered
That you were toxic not I
And all you words a lie
And even though you're gone
My heart still seizes at your song
And wonder if there's a place I belong
When I carry the scars of your wrongs

I saw you today
And my eyes were totally clear
I saw you today
And they didn't fill with tears

Because

My heart felt you today
And it didn't ache and crack
My heart felt you today
And it didn't take me back

Because

My hands touched you today
And didn't long to linger
My hands touched you today
And didn't cling to your fingers

Because

My ears heard you today
And didn't hang on the sound
My ears heard you today
And I didn't hear the blood pound

Because

My feet passed you today
And didn't wait for you
My feet passed you today
And didn't run for you

Because

My mind thought of you today
And didn't drag up the past
My mind thought of you today
And told me it was over at last

Icy fire covers the ground
As the light fades away
The wind holds it's breath
On top of a high cliff place

The horizon, a smear
Of red, orange, and yellow
Black shades divide the sky
Night trees and a dark fellow

Crunching breaks the silence
The sound follow the shape
A small, round stone
Shadow kneels next to grave

The heavenly fire burns down
Leaves the broken man
And his forget me nots
Clenched tight in banded hand