It became the norm;
it didn't change overnight
but slowly and surely,
it became a habit.

A night out drinking
became drinking in alone
and a twisted tea
turned into half a bottle of *****.

No one noticed how bad it got,
that alcohol was missing
and I was constantly hungover
healing that with more alcohol.

I woke up
not able to handle my thoughts
not wanting to see the chaos
I created called my life.

Going out to drink with friends
became a weekly tradition
but drinking alone
became a nightly tradition.

Sneaking juice and ***
or Jack and Coke
whatever I could get my hands on really
just to calm my head.

To numb the thoughts
and chaos
that I made
to shut out the world.

A few nights out
with excuses of parties
became mixed
with nights alone in my room.

Doing shots
chugging mixed drinks
praying I wouldn't get sick
but knowing I would.

Just for those few hours
of nothing,
the numbness
of shutting my brain off.

Blacking out was rare
so I was never ready when it happened
always wondering
what happened in those hours lost.

Not knowing how to stop
becoming irritable without it
seeing the signs of addiction
not recognizing myself in the mirror.

Knowing I had to stop
and wanting to stop
were two different things
until she said those horrible words.

I cleaned up my act
pouring the hidden bottles down the sink
those words working better
than cold water to the face.

His confessions were slow and seldom
Whereas yours fall rapid and steady
From your lips, dipping down
To kiss my body
His loneliness was everlasting
Whereas yours settles for nothing
Looks me square in the eyes
Daring me not to smile
His words left me bruised and blackened
Whereas yours find soft healing
When you tell me you'll do small things too
To make me happy

Filling in spaces
With attachment
Mild phases
Of abandonment
Wanting love
For myself
Instead I should
Just love myself

Although you say little,
Your presence is overwhelming.
You possess an invaluable gift,
Able to reveal your intangible musings
With only a look.
It is present in the way you look at me,
The corners of your smile slightly upturned,
Your eyes fixated on something buried deep inside of me…
Even I am unsure what.
Blue spheres staring fearlessly
With no intention of surrendering their gaze,
What do I do?  
No one has ever looked at me with such
Adoration, admiration, elation.
After indulging my soul,
I quickly look away
But I know that you are still looking.
A look more vulnerable than any other
Eclipses displays of jealousy, sorrow, or resentment.
This is the one.
The one that humanity has created,
So that words would become useless
And love could effortlessly exist.
You do not need to say anything for me to know
Exactly the feeling that you and I
Are both internally experiencing.

I'm old
Now I know what you're thinking
You're twenty
You're young
But the truth is
My bones groan and pop with every movement and my eyes haven't shown in this daunting world for quite some time
We grow up sooner now
Which is strange to think
Because I'm not 14 and married with 2 children
But we grow up sooner
Because this world we live in is harsh
Its cruel and they stopped giving us rose colored glasses at birth
I've been here before
I'm old I say
And you laugh with lines on your face telling of age
I guess I will never make you understand

the sight
of a blonde Austrian 5-year-old girl
happily hugging a Senegal mammy in Vienna
joys me beyond belief