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 Apr 2018 Jacklyn Rose
Nicole
Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone
When I was five,
my mother told me I was loved.
Years later, she asked me to leave because
I was the reminder of the gruesome past that haunted her.

When I was ten,
my father told me he believed in me.
Years later, he refused to accompany me because
I was an embarrassment to him in front of the society.

When I was fifteen,
my friends told me I was funny.
Years later, they all laughed at me because
I was the gullible teenager who fell for their flawless façade.

When I was twenty,
this guy said I was beautiful.
Years later, he trashed me, tormented me because
I was ignorant enough to overlook my inevitable flaws.

So, sorry for not believing in you,
for questioning your intentions, inclusively, in-depth
when you told me you loved me because
I didn’t want to wind up years later,
learning it the hard way that people often don’t mean what they say.
"Pistanthrophobia is just not everyone's cup of tea."
They beat me black and blue,
I never got through.
I fake a smile.
It lasts awhile.
I thought I was strong,
But instead I was wrong.
Guilt.
I am wilted by guilt.
Dying.
I wish I would die.
Hope.
I am hopeless.
Pain.
I always feel pain.
Black and Blue.
The shades of my bruises.
Loss.
I always lose.
Dead.
I AM DEAD
Another poem of mine
Drowning deep in thought,
Drowning deep in Hell,
Not wanting to breathe,
Death calls to me,
I bleed.
I openly embrace Death,
I breathe my final breath,
I say good-bye,
No one cries,
I'm drowning.
Depression is an abyss.
Deep, dark, and filled with pain.
I knew I was never sane.
Will I ever be the same?
No. Not the same as everyone else is.
But the kind of same I was before.

Before all the **** I endured.

Depression.

It is like I am dying internally.
No one can physically see.

No one can really help.

The cutting, the stabbing, the burning, and the starving.
My heart still technically beats.
But it is not a nice rhythm anymore.
Thumping loud and hard and all over the place.
Depression.

Drowning in shadows.

Suffocating anxiety.

Is there any calm?
No. It all has gone.
Gone where?
The deep dark abyss.
The deep dark abyss of depression.

— The End —