Sometimes I wonder if my suicide attempt actually worked and this is just hell i'm living in now.
Like I’m just another part of the statistic.
Research has shown that around 70 percent of people with BPD will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime, and many will make multiple suicide attempts, and people with BPD are more likely to complete suicide.
Sometimes I stand and everything goes black, and the static in my head gets louder and louder.
Sometimes I cry, sobbing between heaving- but not often because it’s hard for me to display emotions normally.
We’re supposed to be constantly feeling things at an intensified level than neurotypicals.
Sometimes I get distant. I disassociate from myself and exist somewhere in between reality and the void.
It’s hard for me to say sorry to those I hurt in the process of me hurting myself.
I can’t sit still.
My mind’s moving 100 mph and it’s almost impossible to slow it down.
Countless flashbacks play in the back of my mind on a reel. Like a horror flick I can’t get out of.
Like I’m in a nightmare and everything in me is saying run but my legs won’t move.
When you have BPD you can’t really control your emotions.
It’s an emotional switch that flips. Like the breaker box is shot and all the wires are frayed.
I wear his T-shirt’s when he’s gone to remind me that he still exists. His smell on the pillowcase is the only reminder that he was even here, that it was real.
When you have BPD nothing seems real. You often question if you really do exist.
A friend asked me why I write everything down and turn it into a poem. The only way I can assure myself it really happened is to let it live on through my art.
Everyday I wake up and ask myself if I can just be normal today. Be a normal sister, a normal girlfriend, a normal human being. I always set my expectations far too high.
It may not mean much to him but his slightly different demeanor has me in a state of panic fueled by my overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment.
I live with this everyday and some days it’s harder to push all the fears to my subconscious.
It’s like I’m falling rapidly down a mountainside and the sudden occurrence of fear in overwhelming quantities is crushing my chest. Clogging my windpipe, making it seemingly impossible to breathe.
Living with BPD is the equivalent of constantly being at war with yourself. You don’t get quiet moments.
But I sustain myself on the idea that everything will be okay.
Everything’s okay.
I’m okay.  
And people ask me why I can’t just shut it off, as if it is that easy.
I’m doing everything I can to stop the voices in my head from screaming over his whisper in my ear.
I find comfort in the fact that he loves me despite the chaos. I sustain myself on the fact that he loves me. That’s all the justification needed.
I know he’s probably sick of always putting me back together, but his touch makes all the sharp edges fit perfectly together.
I have no impulse control.
But I am slowly accepting my disease, and I remember to not let it define me.
I’m learning to cope, and I have to remember to be kind to myself.
If you’re struggling with mental illness, please remember to be kind to yourself.
If some days you need to stay in bed, that’s okay.
If some days you forget to take your medication, that’s okay.
If some days you act on your impulses, that is okay.
Don’t hide yourself from the world because you are different.
You are radiant, you are celestial, you are loved.
Always remember you matter.
May is BPD awareness month and my only goal is to speak to other through my story.
If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, educate yourself on the symptoms and traits.
Let’s raise awareness for Borderline Personality Disorder

I have returned
To the land of the living
After all life have perished
To see all traces of existence
Time and space, gravity and love
Without the restriction of our limited vision
To see the imprints of our touch and impressions
Laid out in front of me in its infinite and eternal presence
Every interaction, attraction, mutual and unrequited
Left its mark, like the trails of a snail
Now visible to me in perfect clarity

I could have ran to the beginning
And walked through every moment to the end
Seen life for what it truly was for all creations

Yet, all I wanted
Coming back at the end of time
When time cease to exist
When every being, every moment
Will never again cease to exist or change
Was to find that thread
Between us
And see whether it was connected
At the very moment of sight
When I saw you for the very first time
And ever since
Tugged and pulled
At every hint of longing
Transforming me with sculpting pain and tears
And tore away my fears

And see that it was never just my hopeful Imaginations and creations of the mind
That the threads of every twinge
Every pull of my soul
Had been there
Always there
Still there
True and real
Between every you and me

For a long time coming I have known things weren't going to be easy
the genie isn't going to give wishes like it was candy on halloweens night,
every night I'd lay my head on my pillow and cry for about ten minutes
"it'll be easy soon, isn't it?" I'd ask myself convinced myself to go on
like a parrot repeating the same old song, I said "it'll be easy soon",
and come noon of the next day; I realised it had been a routine,
a living pattern of new scene each stained in the same old ways,
the same old days reliving itself in front of my eyes.

A few nights ago, I tried to **** myself and I did not die,
somewhere, something is keeping me alive and tomorrow
I'm going to stop trying, because trying to die was more exhausting
than trying to live. I made a promise a long time ago to keep going on
and that will be the path I am on.

I am choosing to try to be happy for this year
I'd fought my fears and I'm one new day into my life,
and tonight, I will try my best to invent dreams in my head before I sleep
rather than spent the time in a deep cry, because tonight,
as lights go off and my head hits the pillow, I will be thinking happy thoughts.

I love all of you.
I'm going to keep on going, each and every day.
Until old age rips me away from all of you.

My sweetheart if you kiss my lips thousand times
I will definitely be intoxicated with taste of the wine
Love and beauty are face to face as innocent crimes
My sweetheart I do realize that you are only mine

I want to see your head high to be in front on line
I want to see you just equal in charms,style and grace  
Like a full moonlit night in my abode you just shine
Your alluring beauty takes me to galaxies in space

So let us cross all distances to be really one to celebrate
Our jubilation like swans dancing in a real taste and style
What a scenario of beauty where love has to culminate
So my sweetheart beguile me with your sweet tender smile


Col Muhammad Khalid Khan
Copyright 2016 Golden Glow

The English vice,
Some Etonian curse –
Set down in grass
And purple verse,

Lavatory bred
With ransacked blood,
Skin slapping and
With a falling thud –

Takes boys at childhood,
Wishes them away,
With promises of popper fuelled buffets,

And poisons them with
Vice and virus red,
And sees them unmarried
Giving head.

I don’t regret a single thing I am,
I’ve tried it out
And can’t abide the sham –

I’ll **** men
And make them beg for more,
I’ll scrabble for their love upon the floor,

I’ll love men
And love will love me too,
I’ll love for love’s own sake
And when I’m through

I’ll die and I’ll be thankful that your hate
Never made me beg that I was straight.

I am greed, want.
She is need, lack.

I am anger and frustration.
She is hope, tenacity.

She is yellow
amidst the grey that I'm become.

But I am success, money.
And she is poverty, dust.

These Memoirs
Ghosts of the past
A solid reminder
Of what had come and gone

Purple pink sunrise hues
Bright red orange sunsets
Interlocked fingers
And sweet seething kisses

Warm hugs in bed
The smell of morning breath
The feel of your skin
The fluttering from within

The fights we never won
The funny moments we own
The laughter we  shared
And the tears I had to bear

You see, it still haunts me
The outline of your face
And it takes all my power away
Just to see you there everyday

Deep in the comfort of another
A peace in your face without utter
A deep calm I craved
Of the memoirs we evenly shared

You see it shatters my heart
Every time I see us apart
You in another man's chest
While memoirs of feelings bleed out with zest