Is waking up everyday a sweet life warranty?
Or is it the most cruel punishment for people like me?
You see, everyday is a Sea of Perpetual Agony,
What with my head filled with Stress and Anxiety,
With all my warped and f*cked up perception of reality.

With all the voices urging me to fail, for every step is steep,
The flashes of graves and coffins are memories I'm forced to keep,
With it in my dark Void of a bedroom I wallow and weep,
For even if I try to fight a little, I always trip,
Always landing in the pit of Depression hurting me with it's jagged tip.

You see, everytime I stand at a crowded grocery aisle,
I feel my stomach lurch and taste the bitter rising bile,
Even when I am ready to bolt and cover up the mile,
I just crumple there, a wheezing and weeping heaping pile,
Frozen yet I am burning in a hellish pyre made up of unwanted people smiles.

You see, people close to me kept trying to ease with a high cost,
To bring out the Happy in me from my heart covered in biting frost,
To make my eyes shine which already have an emotionless gloss,
To find 'Me', yet answer a question I have asked most,
How can you have found me if I myself am lost?

You see, every part of me screams in absolute Pain and Anguish,
Everyday a lethal poison more caustic than it is feverish
For every word I hear, claws from a monster so fiendish,
A cruel reality with dark creatures full of malevolence, ready to ravish,
You see... this is why for me Death is a welcome friend and my dying wish.

I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.

insidious lies:
the ones with a hint of truth
we tell ourselves

Hold my hand
sit near me
let me sink into your lap
just please don't leave me alone with my thoughts
or lack thereof

You see,
if you leave.
my head will not scatter into a million deadly shards
it will do quite the opposite
it will collapse

whatever you do, don't leave me,
not now.
you see if you leave
I lose my sanity
I lose my restraint

the second you turn your head and walk out that door
my eyes will well
my heart  will lose its rhythm
My hands  will shake
and my breath won't be able to claw its way up my throat anymore.

You don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
just please don't leave
I'm scared of what happens when you leave --
please don't leave...

poems are not all
sunshine and
rainbows

sometimes,
just sometimes
we have to ****
in the bathroom
sink of beauty
to find out how
repulsive it can be
underneath

I find the soap ****
of the shower drain
to be more enriched
with adorning features
than the palm trees
of florida

art
and all forms of it
are inexhaustible,
you could never
take that away,
including this
ugly
ugly
ugly
poem