I pray my secret won't see the light
I pray my shadow stays hidden from sight
Smile, laugh and pretend as I might
The darkness always comes along with the night
So each night I pray, I pray with my might
I pray for more days with my false delight

Letting go, the deepest fear
I could ever imagine

But I had no choice
not if my heart was
ever to be allowed healing

Not stitched or sewn together as
a patchwork cloak that would be
a duvet for the coming months

This would be
the ultimate surrender
to loving you, knowing
wherever I was going
you may catch me up

An uncertainty, I too, let go
without a kiss goodbye or
a farewell glance
as the words
stopped falling
from your mouth into
the vacuum of space
between us

Standing in the smoke of words,
I sit, I lay down
and I watch clouds
fade to nothing.

© Sia Jane

You ever have those days when you'd rather take the long way home?
With headphones on
Ignoring your heart beat
Trying not to crack like promises and iphone screens...
Well honestly,
You ripped the spine off of my notebook paper skeleton and crumpled it into the shape of your fists until it was nothing but a broken haiku:

What is love without
Lighting matches in the dark
Drenched in gasoline

You wear the whites of your eyes like flags when we touch
Like giving up is an option
And I'm trying to rewind the cassette tape memories to the beginning when smiles decorated our faces and I didn't know your full name or that you love orange juice and comic books
We're just kids in love with following fault lines to their breaking points and drawing assumptions on sidewalks while it rains. Raised on etch a sketch commitments that fade when shaken
We have no connection to the word 'stay'
**** the Christmas lights in your eyes, they don't stay up all year like I had hoped and I wore red lipstick to stop myself from kissing you and you stopped gelling your hair back like permission for me to massage your aching head, knead out any leftover thoughts of 'slow down'
But that was centuries ago and by centuries I mean lifetimes ago and maybe our souls have agreed to meet in some silent studio where you paint me abstract on subservient canvases and you'd feel like Salvador Dali as you melt clocks on my wrist to leave our moments up for interpretation...
We will not touch again, we had our last hug and the bass of our pulse has weakened so the memories don't keep us up at night
They have become elevator music in the back of our minds because we don't want to forget the sound of 'I love you'
Like astronomers falling in love with a blank sky, darling, it's in our nature to chase after the stars that chase after the moon that chases after the sun that chases after the world that chases after this idea of love.
Lets fold our empty spaces into intricate origami haikus like...

We ran out of glue
Stationary paper cranes
We burn down in flames

I promise you a love that never dies. A love as real as a rose freshly blooming in the spring, a love that stays as beautiful as the fake bouquet in the window pane of your mother’s kitchen.
I promise you minimal space between our skin, I promise you undying sparks when our lips enfold like pages of romance novels.
I promise a smile that medicates to the pain you feel in your heart, I promise eyes that can identify where your suffering is making home.
I promise words as powerful as eviction notices on the door of your mind, I promise to never stop rolling them off my tongue until the demons make their way out.
I promise to open the curtains just enough for the rays of the morning sun to kiss your bare back. I promise to close them at night and hold you till you feel comfortable in the silence and darkness.
I promise to whisper my love into your ears so you can always fall asleep to the sound of truth.
I promise you days where we stay inside and listen to the rain slide down the glass windows. I promise to stay when the ground dries up. I promise to never make you feel the way your father did, I promise to always remind you that your worth is amplified in my eyes.
I promise so many things, but mainly to love as though it’s the only thing I am capable of doing.
I promise to love you till our skin cracks and our bones turn to dust. I promise to love you when the singing of church bells marks our departure.
I promise to love you when our home changes from brick walls, to mounds of soil.
I promise to love you as long as I am alive and ever after.

I’m typing to you my confession.
as you read,
I hope you imagine the quiver in my voice
when I say your name
and you’ll picture me eyes cast downward,
stomach twirling
hair flying in all directions,
let’s imagine I’m telling you this on the streets of New York
since we always talked about living there,
and hopefully you’ll imagine me in red lipstick
and with my hair curled
because that’s always when I feel the most confident.
what I’m
trying
to tell
you is
you’re my Northern Lights.
a strange, nebulous wonder
that enchants every cell in my body,
I cannot figure you out
no matter how close I think I am to solving your endless mystery,
and I want to spend my nights
wrapped in your arms
looking into your eyes
and softly whispering my words into your ears...

LET’S LISTEN TO THE BLACK KEYS TOGETHER
LET’S WANDER THE STREETS
AND PRAY THAT WE DON’T GET SHOT
I have always swallowed your bullets.
the most deadly one is when
you tell me about her,
your Northern Lights girl
who doesn't need red lipstick to feel beautiful.

and i think that’s the saddest line of poetry I have ever written

falling in love with you has always
been subway stations,
it has been falling through cracks
and braving alley-ways
there’s not enough story lines in the New York Times
to make us
dance in the streets together,
drunkenly in love with one another
at last
and i need to stop picturing
your face whenever i hear the phrase “meant to be”

Here is me,
tears dripping,
lips quaking,
walking away from your figure
and praying
that darkness
won’t lead me back.