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The internal pain
Has struck me again.
Turning me blue
Hating everything I do.
Taking me down
Hearing me drown.

But **** it,
I will never submit.
Strobes of light bounce around you
And the forces keep pulling me in.
Im out of my depth in this moment,
But the forces keep pulling me in.

The mystery compels me forward
And the shadow keeps me away.
Out of the darkness you appeared
To take me to solace once more.

Passion seeps from your words,
And the forces keep pulling me in.
Im scared to let myself go,
But the forces keep pulling me in.
Do it to african musk.
Roll it like finely carved dust.
Hold it like dynamite just.
When angels fall, damage must.
Together bind it with trust.
Yet time goes on without rust.
All the temporary aloneness
Doesn't feel so alone now.
The sickening darkness
Seems enchanting.
Curling into a ball
Then being free.
All down to you
Down to me.
When the topic of conversation in class was about finding meaning in life
I struggled to find a reasoning behind why
I choose to keep fighting
the same **** voice that keeps on illuminating
the parts of my heart that don't need extra lighting
For reasons of staying safe
secure enough to keep from igniting
any other demons that make joy seem uninviting

My heart is tired of trying
to heal

My feelings boil over
like a *** of forgotten water
forcing me to clean up a mess that I did not ask for
I am tired
But still refuse to be fired from life itself

Why do I keep fighting
If my life is not something I admire

I have sisters who wage wars on their bodies too
trying to reach a place where they feel like they are somebody to some body
and not a disease
that strips them of all they were created to be
We are tired

Yet I ride waves of urges so familiar to the ocean of darkness that my heart rages
because I just want to feel free
because my future family and clients need me
because honesty is the key to living authentically
And if I'm being honest then I'm able to see
past the reality
that is my eating disorder

I desire more
which means that I am more
as my worth does not come from being the best me for others
but rather it comes from a deep understanding
that my life is my own and not my own
equally

Realizing that my hands are strong enough
are big enough to hold
even the pieces of my soul
that fail to fit the mold
of what is normal

But why can't normal have permission to be broken
Instead of whole
I wrote this in one of my psychology classes today while discussing the meaning of life
I wonder if I stopped eating,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped laughing,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped loving,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped talking,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped trying,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped breathing,
Would they notice?

*Because I wouldn't.
August 26, 2016
A Spring Evening in Paris with the Thieves of Love


They found each other in the good samaritan way you would try.
If you are not alluring, if you can’t get a reverie, there are other ways.
Ellen was drunk and left alone near St.Severin off the Rue de la Harpe
Where you can smell butter and garlic and mussels and iodine
From bistros open to the street. Anthony loved it that you could see that
Those bistros were happy and good.  He wanted to be in one with a girl.

Ellen in mottled lamplight on the churchyard cobbles:
Freckled, brown eyed, strong in clean denim overalls and white T-shirt.
She knelt there sick and knelt also inside Anthony, in a lyric:
Not many chances like this in life. He nursed her
To her place in Billancourt. She was afraid on the Metro.
A drunken kiss of thanks at her door tastes of sickness and anise.
Of course he came back. A real man would come back for more thanks.
If it was his first chance in months.

She was brave, dramatically friendly, often in
The light that passes for candles on stage.
She had the fierce compassion that terrifies.

He had been disqualified from girls by anxiety.

They bought food, flowers and wine in the market
And walked and bought books from bouquinistes
And cooked in her room. He wrote at her table.

The white iron bed by the sunny window...

Who was this girl no older than Anthony,
Showing him friendship, making him grateful,
Showing him love,

" I like to do this,
Find one that I love, make something perfect."

Sneaky good love of stealth and cunning...                


                          Paul Anthony Hutchinson
www.paulanthonyhutchinson.com
copyright Paul Anthony Hutchinson
Love and artists and creativity
You had a news to declare,
She had the same news,
Just with a different tone,
You had excitement, she had anger...

But she doesn't know,
Although, you know...

Forget about it
for some time,
You'll forget ...

She's your best friend,
She deserves,
She really deserves ....
And things happen...
You come before me, @bestie...
I know you're not mine
But OK! its fine
Even though i can't ask you for dine
Nor for a cup of wine .

I try to be indifferent
when he holds you in his arms
Though I'm not a charm
But i know he is a harm.

I want you to be happy off course
But want to be the source
Its a paradox but personified.

The roses that I gifted you
Embellish your fair
Only if you tie in your hair.

My intentions are crystal clear
To love you and to be loved by you.
Its my heart and my will
I will spark love
In every breathe that you take.

It's my  game
And it is certainly not for love fame
Great love stories in history
For me are always a mystery .
I will die in shame
The day I forget to love you
I can spend my whe life in expecting  the same.

I'm optimistic
But not being realistic
I dream to conquer every
Chamber of your heart .
I don't belong to the naysayers
For I know god answer my prayers.

My glance turn into stare
How long i have to bare
This pain
Without having anything gain.

I'm on a roller coaster
That goes neither up nor down .
I'm starting to wonder
Is it because of my skin colour brown ?

My one sided affection
I want to deliver it to you without defection
The imperial affection.
     The end



Naidu Chandra Pegu
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