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Aihara Nov 2018
I remembered,
Holding your finger,
I was assured,
I won't ever went astray.

I remembered,
The warm fuzzy feeling,
Just like the sun,
Whenever you're around.

I remembered,
I was complete.

Nothing really changes,
Same house, same faces,
But I don't know who you are,
Or  who I really am anymore.
Aihara Sep 2018
From a distance, fade and keep fadin
the palm of our shaky hands touched the cold mirror
There is no stopping the halt of  the creeping disassociation
Identity, stripped away like the distant memories of the future
who's there , why you are always there , Do we know each other?

Love me, I did well
Hold me, in your light
take me, to your future

There's no way,
I know no such person,
There's no way, that you are me.

I rather die than being seen
And you know I wanna be seen
The reason to quietly sobbing in the stalls
The exact reason to be that perfect, wholesome guy
I guess I'm just a very sensitive person. I felt the pain of the late Jonghyun , Chester , Tim. The reason why they did what they did. But I also felt the pain losing them.
Aihara May 2018
I'm not afraid to walk alone
Even though
its undeniably lonely.
But
I gotta keep moving
took me years to realised I'm such a sensitive person but Im proud of myself. I might tear up over the little things people did, good or bad but that doesn't make me weak. I can fight whenever needed and my equanimity is something worth vaunting about.
  May 2018 Aihara
Tomas Denson
Take me down while standing tall
into shattered pieces fall
laughing now tears rush by
rolling down from this high
what is known, what is seen
wash this battered mind to clean
watch me smile here and past
rictus grins that will not last
knowing of the pain to come
colouring each and every moment fun
screaming now in joy or pain
always have they felt the same
only in this sea at dark
when light is gone and hope depart
there i find that fateful step
to take me up the ***** so swept
then i smile, i laugh once more
offer myself as emotions *****
though in that moment of breathlessness
where i don't have to face this test
there is a hope that i'll just stop
no more struggle to that top
dear ocean then, call my soul
let me pretend that i am whole
for i would swim the waters again
please, let me swim the waters again.
Aihara May 2018
The imminent river,
inevitable ride;
unwilling passenger,
whether the strap snapped, disconnected;
Or stuck till final destination, rock bottom.

Was all this necessary
Im great, Im happy
Stop misdiagnosed me
Im no other than me

neuroses and religion
who i am to wish for oblivion
one opinion define none
On seeking whats the norm and what is wrong.

Im trying to live, to fit in
Just normally like everybody
Normal to me but it isnt
what am I, Who I am without

I am, was, I will be okay
Why it felt like a replay
No choice but to compelled
Who said its mine to choose
Cause it wil be forever replayed

For now the strap hold on
on repeat, hitting rock bottom
Its true the only way left is up
no in between, stuck in a time wrap.
I hate it when I couldn't accept myself for who I am. My scars, my illness.
Its not my fault I was born with it.
Aihara May 2018
I walked home on my own
Stayed after you said you're not fine through the phone
I spent my lifetime to make you feel better
Why couldn't you see me?

Said you love Cardistry
Coding for a living
I gave my time to learn both
so you have someone to play with
or at least Im something to you.

I love you at point I couldn't even say
something or anything that will hurt you
whenever you told me you need me
I always trying my best to be there

Running, stumbling made a fool of myself
Just so I can be there with you
So you won't feel alone
Even its just over the phone.

Now you're gone
No goodbye not a thing
Tell me you're fine
Tell me to let you go
Tell me you hate me
Just tell me something.
I can't even hate him, I just need a closure.
Aihara May 2018
Laying in my bed,
In my head neurosis hit again;
Greetings! Just like an old friend,
That one unwanted, pretentious man.

Got a hint I won't be breathing again,
One last chance to make it last;
Forever green I missed my old grin,
From back when I was younger;
Where I never stop to wander.

I remembered barefoot on my way home,
Alone with no one to walk along,
Mom said I should be capable to be on my own;
Looking back no child should walk alone,
Many could go wrong but it decide to wait for its turn.
part 1

— The End —