Dust settles.
No longer shall
Pattering feet
Send it flying

The walls stop echoing.
No longer shall there be
Loud joyous voices,
Soft voices with whispering confidences...

The tap keeps dripping.
No longer left open
In careless negligence.

The corners
No longer hide
Secrets dripping
From quavering lips

The grass in the field
Will quietly rustle
Missing innocence
And smiles
Of free days in the Sun.

I detest those *******
Who dare to think
Dare to presume
They know me after
Talking to me
For just three weeks
I detest those *******
Who think they have
Any demand, any right
To my time and attention
I hate the fact that
These *******
Seem to think that my
Primary concern
Should be their welfare
Their state of mind
But presumptions like these
They only serve
To help me sever
Whatever relation or connection
I had with them
I am not here to amuse
Entertain or look after
Their well-being
We are hardly good friends
How dare you even think
That I would care
Or that I would have to care

You can take your attitude
And your sheer stupidity
And shove it up your ***

A half-remembered face
But so many important memories
What happened to all of them?
What makes me forget
The other
Half of this face?

Humans befuddle me
I befuddle myself
I wonder if that makes me human.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
X            anxiety is a cage          X
X                limitless in               X
X               its recursive              X
X              worries about            X
X                problem X                X
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Atrocities committed
At the dead of night
She runs, feet pounding
Against the pavement
Desperately trying

t
o

f
i
n
d

a

w
a
y

o
u
t

Poor little girl
Darling little girl
She almost made it

In  tropical, moody Kolkata,
Autumn doesn't arrive
In a flurry of red leaves
Strewn to the winds
It arrives silently,
With hushed whispers
of wind into our ears
Slowly, the fallen leaves
Turn yellow
The warm, balmy breeze
Develops a bite to it
Secretly, some trees shed
Their clothes completely
In preparation for the chilled
Caresses of Winter
Mittens and monkey caps
Appear amongst the morning
Walkers and newspaper boys
The sun becomes lazy, reminiscent
in it's behavior, rising later and later
Each day, until 6 o'clock is a stretch
of Imagination
Autumn comes with muted footsteps
Hardly any time to appreciate it
Before it's gone and Winter sets in

Believe you me


The smell of antiseptic sticks to my skin

My sleeve and skin are pushed back
Letting the sinew of my bloodline breathe













I would not have lasted this night

I do not think I could have lasted last night









But I remember a blip and pixel
As another continent came alive on my screen

And my friend waved out to me behind her hipster scarf
Telling me it's okay to cry







Believe you me

That last night left a lasting impression
And I would not have made it through alive





If that friend had not been wakened by the ringing of her phone

Had she not proclaimed like it was fact


That I will be living at sixty and fifty and forty







Believe you me
I found something precious last night

- I regained my strength.

people play tricks
and the best-laid plans
fall to pieces
when in contact with each other



everything falters

there are no clear, defined lines

please stop looking for them.

it's just now, now, now.

can't you hear the roar of your
own heartbeat
thump-thump-thumping
to get out of your chest
and away?
so far away.

look in strange places
fall to new depths
you never know where you may find It

let the players play their games
your heart is not theirs

My back is laced with scars
Given to me as a parting gift,
As a symbol of the love-that-never-was
Some have already been fully absorbed
Just their tips sticking out,
Forming a grotesque picture
Others, still fresh, still being taken in
Just their tips are slightly embedded

Another one would hardly make a difference
Might wring a cry of pain but nothing much afterwards
-
The glint of the tear as it slides down,
silently,
heedlessly,
into the black abyss,
threatening, wanting,
desperation lacing it's movements,

-

There's a silent 'plop!' sound as it touches
The floor so far below.
So far, so far that no one can see it.
So deep, so deep that no one can hear it

She hardly notices the spare, the extra
There have been too many for her to care
For one more.

A dozen more land in her back,
Angered by her impassiveness

She swivels around because she's still savouring
The ones that are there

For a minute, time stops, the blades stop
The girl's heart, or where it should've been...
That empty little space, occupied by three long
Swords stuck in it's place
They pierce right through her body,
So different from those knives that decorate her back.

Their tips face your eyes
The sword entered her through her back

It would've been a tragedy if only her eyes...
Oh, if only her eyes were something more
Than just endless holes
( - deeper, darker, blacker
more despairing than
the black abyss under her

very feet

-    )

I reach my hand out to strike him
For all his hurtful words,
I detest him
For his misleading words,
He made me believe that I was
Weird, not simply different
Made me feel like a stranger
In my own body
(those touches from a long
time ago from That Boy who
used to be a friend )
They come back to me and
-And I feel *****
When he calls me something
I practically know I'm not
I feel even more dirtier
For one moment,
I hated him the way only
Siblings can hate each other
Everyone else foreign to
This strangeness
So I deal him a blow
That didn't sting half as much
As his words did
I withdraw my hand
And it stings
I look at its underside
A thin, red line of blood
Stretching out
The scar doesn't leave for
Three whole days

my therapist told me
i have anxiety
and that i should spend time
breathing

in&out
slow&slower

i am trying
to be honest
once again
in my life

the mess at the bottom of my stomach
- is there a possibility it will go away?

i feel blue in this
resonance of being
under water
with loneliness

I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I splash some water on my face
Rub it a bit more
Check again to see if it's a little less red

I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect*
Repeat it again
Breaking down all over the sink
Trying to regain my composure again

I can't even ******* breathe
Could I get some help
Some aid right here?
Tell me a location
A doctor

I swear, I'll do anything
Just get me to breathe
Put me on the system
Get me on pills

Just get me to breathe again

There are people who try to bring you down
Sometimes, they even succeed

They could be anyone-
People whom you nearly entrusted everything with
Everything
And some to whom you did give everything
Each little thing

They tell people those things
You find out one day
When you think things are fine
Maybe you haven't talked to them for a bit
But you think that what you had
Is still there

Then someone comes,
Taps you on the shoulder
Tells you about what they've heard
You stand there
One second, two seconds

You don't allow yourself more

Put on a poker face
Say with a grin,
"Ah, that's all ****"

Refuse to believe it
Till you've confirmed it with them
You've always been stupidly willing
Like that

You'd take it at face value
If they just looked you in the eye
And told you everything honestly
You'd let it pass

Sure, you'd get mad
But you'd let it pass

You're stupid like that

But they don't
You remain stupid
Aloof, mean, hurtful

Brush it off with a grin
Treat them like yesterday's news
Move on to someone else
Shed your literal tears at night
Over a stupid scrap of paper
In black and blue ink
Let it bleed there for a bit

Tell yourself you're fine

Broken
Is not being shattered
Into a million pieces
Broken
Is not being suicidal
Though that certainly is a part
Broken
Isn't when the pieces don't fit
Or you keep trying
But it keeps falling apart
Broken
Means not knowing what to do
With those pieces
Broken
Is being unable to meet people's eyes
Because you don't know what the hell
You're doing there either

Broken
Is 3:40 AM
Looking into the eyes
In the mirror

i burnt
in
time
with the staccato
of the rain
howling
against
bars round
my room

i burnt
in
twisted words
an
unsaid
anger
and
riffing
nerves

i burnt
in
sanctuary
ice
cold
air soothing
frayed
hair

i burnt
in
whispers
echoing
in my
ears

i burnt
to
the ground
in the
heat
ed
words

Dreamt of forcing politeness and eating
human flesh served at a dinner party.
We sat at tables looking our finest,
eating slow, my stomach and the knowledge
Taught to me in my crib fighting each bite.
That flesh continued haunting the inside
of my eyelids-- this was not my war; this
was not my struggle; this should never have
been my battle. Yet I see it in my
news, my tables, my tabloids, my back-alleys
and I-- I'm helpless, unable to move.

When I see you pass by
I don't recall the fights,
I remember the smiles,
The laughter, the way
You turn from me now
As if I was a stranger
On the bus, a coincidence
That we bumped into each other
I don't remember
The words you spat
The accusations I threw
I shouted and you,
You shouted back
Helpless against irrationality
So when you pass by
I stop trying to catch
Your eye, as I shuffle by
Looking at my feet
Wondering why I
Bothered thinking
About you anyway
Because you don't see me
The frightening bit
That you might never have
Some days I feel bitter,
I feel used
But most days, I put on my best,
Try to catch your eye again

Yes, I use violent imagery
Correction: I love using violent imagery
Does that annoy you?
Somehow set you off?

Is it because you wish
That I was a bit more 'normal'
A bit less pronounced, obvious
About who I am?

Are you annoyed because
You wish I'd feel embarrased
Of this part of myself?

Does it **** you off
To see me proudly display
My inner self-
all of it-
Without any of your foolish
Censoring?

Is it perhaps because
I am attempting to accept myself
Whatever I might be, its entirety?

Does it anger you
Because you
You bowed your head
And conformed when
Someone else came
And censored you?

But I
I refuse to do the same
For this is me
And I am not going to
Pick apart and,
Cut out
The bits of me you don't like
The shards
That form the complete picture

I refuse to allow
You to touch them
For this is ME
ME
Not you
Not your domain
**NOT under your control

i'm trying to think through the static
and my eyes don't focus right
but i was wondering
what it meant to feel hungry

or just tell someone how i feel

i
can't
remember
the last
time
i was
honest
about
how i
felt

and
i
don't
...
know

it's been
...
a while
...

hello, hello?

my thoughts resound in my head

something in my world broke
- i sometimes think to myself

i don't feel very young sometimes

i feel i have lived a thousand lives
and


and
i don't know if this is the way i'm supposed to feel

i feel empty and lifeless
like i can't hold a conversation
these days
not small
not big

i don't think i'm very interesting
or young
these days

maybe i never was?

Nice people
Make my heart
Hurt

It is childish
I know
But I cannot help but
Think this way

They stand next to a kitchen island.
One clutches an orange peeling its layers,
her sweater casual and her hair tied back.
The other, with a tight smile,
gazing down at reflections on a bottle,
her hair loose and hands clutching the counter.
This is not our home but we break bread and
drink wine
on a night meant for blood relations;
we silently wish the world flat
so if we climbed high enough,
we could see them tonight.
I stand here soaking in the moment,
trying to capture the smells of cardamom
and cinnamon, sounds of the tv nearby,
Christmas lights strung up,
light-hearted laughter from
soon-friends soon-strangers.
We are perpendicular lines, meeting
at this house for a brief pause.
Our strange family of strangers
done up in monochrome-- our colors
brightened by laughter lines.

circling the boxes
expectations
ideas and fantasies
once dreamed

pain strikes thunder
a roar of noise
flashing of future
beyond this now

darkness and substance
both cloak
heart racing skin warm
chest not

enough to contain this
feeling which
spills out like a full
stop ending a

sentence and like some run
away in its own trance the
water precipitates flowing
into an ocean of movements

cut off like a highly
irregular sentence.

Cold hands
Cold food
Cold blankets
Cold room
Cold house
Cold metal
Cold

My fists hurt, they sting
From overuse on that
Little ******* who dared
Call you a *****
With all his little *******
Friends, who now lie
With him on the floor
All covered with blood
Bruises already purpling
All over their ******* bodies

I feel my mobile vibrate
I start in surprise
Most people have given up
On my technological habits
By now, they don't bother
A smile overtakes my face
When I see her name
But a car honks and
I barely step out of its
Way. The phone goes inside
My pocket, forgotten again

I wished she'd look me
In the eyes and just hold me
Even if just for the night
Though I can't ever stay
After every run,
I would return to her,
Her arms, her scent,
The sound of her heart

But she never does tell me
Those little worthless boxes
That we call cell phones
Might be revered but
They don't compensate
For the times when she
She's in-front of me, her eyes
Looking straight into mine
Her smile burning, in my vision

If she stood like that,
And just told me
I would run, run, run

But every night, when suspicious
Sounds can be heard outside
I would come in through her window
Take the extra pillow
Accept her heart,
Engulf her within my arms
Simply stay for the night
Just hold her and be still
Protect her, comfort her
If only for that night

I'd pray for subsequent nights
But that would be the only time
The only person, I'd ever, ever
Stay for, if only for a few hours
Every day.

find myself screaming into the void
a time of calamity and peril
others say i am so blessed
but i say it's just a matter of time

body so stressed
my spine is taut
shoulders so stiff
their edges so thin
it would cut into your presumptions

you don't know my story how dare
you know how i fare

my breaths are staggered drawn out
suffering im stretched always at a
point of tension. someone just snap
and get me out of this my heart hurts
from mediocrity i am going out there
chasing after a world out of ferocity

i know what it is to burn the edges
of my hands and my fingers and i just
just wanted some time to pay attention
to the quell of my heart my blood stream
weakening to the slow death march of my
genes and i wish you

i wish you would take a second and stop
and this world would just let me figure
it out. i want to figure it all out just
please please can you give me a minute?
my heart has not yet caught up, still
hurting from the blows you had dealt
a minute before

please give me time i beg, i am just a
little slow, walking through sludge
living through silence, enacting some
pantomime of desolation a modern dystopia
i smile in the sun for a beat between the
shadows of two buildings

give me a second and a minute, i truly
want to care but my heart and breaths
feel choked up. i just want to perform
better and do more for you. i want to be
more you know. wish i could be brave and
say it out loud.

you know what i say to myself and the walls
the hum of my fridge as it taunts me with
my anxiety-- my fear is not something you
paid for. you did not pay the high price
of defeating me into a ******* corner
ya you risk me and my life.
ya you risk my career and my dreams.
ya you risk everything i love about my life.
ya ya you do.

so come for me *******. come at me world economy.
bring my life crashing down if you must.

i will face you and everyone and everything.

my voice might be small, i might be trembling.
i am definitely crying. if anything happens,
there will be no one left, and no one will be
able to help, but there are wide oceans and rivers,
wider paths, and wilder roads. who knows what
will happen next? life is for the living.

life is for the living.

at least, i will be living.

winter spring summer glazes
taste the same when the cake is isolation

spending time mindlessly in dark caverns
emerging only for sustenance
i barely had time to note the time i wasted

pressure rests heavy on my heart
as i struggle to breathe through it

years go by and then a thought-
                        what if this is just an extension of maybes?
                        is not just more of the same?


regrets sweep away, the moonlight is painted over again and again until it becomes sunlight

Often at night,
I find myself breathless
Windows wide open
Curtains fluttering

Probably not
A lack of oxygen
Right?

Right
I firmly nod
My heart hurts

Pits scraped from
Empty restaurants
Voided relief bills
No handouts from
Mom or Dad

Chest pounds again
Pang of pain
My ribs feel a little
Brittle this
Late in the eve

Off the pills
No thermometer or
Medication

An island
A world
Alone

I dance with you in my heart
But my breath is staggered

Job really nothing much to
Write home about

time was spent
writing and in that
I thought
it's been a while



I was counting down the years
looking at my fingers
two hands not enough to contain
all of it



a palm full of life
two palms full of life
three... and
(well, I'd reverse or continue
but my age
should remain a secret)

but after so many handfuls
there were some more
maybe too many
maybe not much or perhaps
were there any?



some palmfuls of life
and I realize
that maybe I need to
be a little kinder



looking past the now
remaining stuck in fear
fear of what may come
what may be said



I realize that is not good
not healthy
and I wish that above all else
I regain my strength to live
as fully as I wish
as fully as I want to be remembered



but it is hard
and I know it takes time patience skill
to bring everything I have
up to the standard I want to reach



so I stay clustered in my room
preparing myself
rejuvenating myself
re-motivating myself
to try
be better than who I am



apparently motivation is like showering
so it's something that needs to be pursued
not done once and forgotten forever

Between your poisonous smiles,
Your heartless jokes and your
Razorblade Smile, I fell for the
Person I thought I saw:
The One
The cuts made, still hurt
They haven't closed up yet
Just flesh wounds but they,
They sting. They burn. It's
Been a day and that thin red
Line, the mark of your possession
Is still on me, marking me for
The world to see. You're my
Obsession, the world's Pariah
But they all bow before you
Wouldn't dare say a word in
Your presence, except to beg
At your feet for your cruel
Double-edged mercy. A day more
You reward them. Throughout
Eternity, you taunt them. The
Price is so heavy, yet they pay up
They can hardly resist. The price
Of Humanity, of Greed is fatal indeed.

The unchanging constant wherever
I may go. The Universe itself is
Undefined, except for you and your
Kin: Change. Time wasn't ever as
Constant as you; its fickle nature
Is as legendary as your promptness
Change was never as evident as you;
Its subtlety as infamous as the
Pungent, dark
Air you leave behind
In the lives of humans and animals alike.

When you hand out
bankrolls of cynicism and cheques of failure
I will show you my bullions of perseverance
Diamonds of reality

When you show me twenty stories of disappointment
I will display five stories of utter joy and hope


Take your handouts of regret and chances-never-taken
Face me and tell me my dreams will never grace this earth

But I laugh
Even as I cry
And bleed


Hope I don't regret this
Hope is all I have
Hard work will get me far
I hope hard work will see me alive at forty
Dying regrets but hope hope hope
I hope I hope at forty

Inner Weather Report:


The silence weighs heavily around my ears and it is difficult to focus

Stare at the ceiling but it moves as I end up head-first on the floors





My heart doesn't stop racing as I wonder and double back to crossroads left behind. Self blame is a slippery ***** which I already slithered away on. There wasn't much left and I feel like the hollow impression of smoke of an extinguished candle. My enthusiasm lurks behind corners as I run behind it but I tire out and stop for a drink at the stream of cynicism and depression. A sound resounding throughout my head as I imagine the worst and maybe that's not even the worst. College might not even pay-off.

How can I confide that I am worried because I don't see myself alive and going there means to sign a contract saying that I will not die?


It is a difficult reality and I worry so much.



A girl told me that I don't deserve to be forgotten the second I leave the room; that I deserve people caring and thinking about me.

She forgot everything the next morning.



As someone else sinks into depression, a whole group launches into discussions to help and I launch myself into it, a smaller part of me wondering where they were when I had asked.



It creeps onto me every day- an old friend. I've been comfortable living inside its haze for this long. How can I live without you my dearest friend? You have given me insight and clarity, given my feet direction even if just to throw myself off cliffs and I don't think I'll be me without you anymore.


How can I bid you goodbye? I was never good at those, preferring to walk out leaving bitterness and unsaid hellos and farewells behind me.


No promises and connections.

I've survived in you this long. How do I move on from you?


You are the only thing that has ever been mine, dancing in my tears and depression, asking me to cut a bit deeper, a bit more to the left. My four walls, ceiling and floor- you are my Home. Organically, growing, nestling in the veins of my sins, my existence. You are not a cancer but my closest well-wisher, you are me. To know you is to face myself. How can I breathe without you?

When Death comes by
Do you really see a man, a mere human?
Is it possible that an entity as ancient could be so?
It’s been there longer than any of us
Seen more than we could imagine
It would make the bravest demigods
Children again, crying for their mothers
It's an entity as old as Change and Time
- Something not many can claim
It's seen Change and stagnation
Seen triumph, as well as the bitter tears
Of one who has lost everything,
Including their own identity,
After having known ‘everything’.

I am Fire and I am Ice.
Get too close to me and you will be,
Changed, for better or worse.
You will be changed. Anything that
Comes near me does. I am inescapable.

Even galaxies explode, even stars fall
I am inescapable. I am indestructible
Come to me and you'll lose yourself
Look me in the eye and you shall see
A reflection. You will be changed.
The worst scars I give, remain unseen
You've looked me in the Eye, and now,
You pay the price, with nothing less
Than Mind, Heart and Soul. Bodies are
Now reparable. Scars can be hidden
The soul and your heart... That is where
Your true weakness lies and I leave the
Marks of my possession there. I am neither
Moral nor immoral. I am and I remain.
Some might romanticise my presence, but
I am neither good, nor bad. I simply Am.
I might bring pain or I may bring salvation
I am as I have been and as I shall remain
Humanity will come and go, the Milky Way
Will be extinguished. I will remain.
After all, I Am.

going through motions
doing what i must
or have been told
i should waking up
eating working
working sleeping
day in day out
is it april
is it november

is there really
any difference?

take pills talk
about scars bring
up hurts from my
past that might
have been better
forgotten take
pills increase
dosage wake up
brush teeth eat
food take medicine
work sleep work work
eat **** is this april
is this november

**there is really
no difference...

It's 3 AM

And i keep trying to figure myself out


Ordinary questions...
things we all ask of ourselves everyday


But I guess I expected something a little more definite from myself


I keep remembering eyes

Different eyes, different looks of disdain, different continents, different faces, different genders

Broad spectrum of statistics

I wonder what exactly anyone is here for


I find it difficult to discern why are these people in my space?

It's so difficult to tell

Courtesy? Loneliness? Fascination? Routine? Misguided sense of doing good? Misguided sense of displacement? Some mid-life crisis? Need to be diverted? Curiousity?

Ah, it's just too difficult.


Why do you linger around?
Someone answer please.
Hey, its 3 AM here and I haven't been able to sleep in days.

Do you want me to lie and say I am fine? |  ^_^
No, I'm not okay. But I will be.                   | :P
(ah, the brilliance of mixed messages)
I will pick the pieces off the floor
I will mend my own heart
Open up my scars again
Let them bleed out once more
I'll heal them again
With my own strength
Maybe I'll frown, cry, get depressed
Maybe even contemplate suicide
But there's no cure for this
Unless it comes from
My own two hands
So I'll take them, set them to work
I'll make my scars scab over
Through sheer willpower alone
Don't you dare look at me
With those curious eyes
It just makes me want
To slap you even more
Don't give me your pity,
Your sympathy
They are all worthless because
Neither could mend this broken heart
I'll clean up after myself
I will set to right what I did wrong
And if I can't, then I'll carry
That cross heavy on my back
I will pick up all those little
Shards of myself lying on the floor
Any molecules of the element Me
That have wandered away
I will attract back
If not, I'll chase them
So they can form a complete Me again
I will shovel myself a grave
But I'll do it standing strong
I'll falter, but my determination
It burns, it sears
It might not be a forest fire
But it's candle light,
Just enough to see by
Thank you very much and
Now you can show yourself out
It's nothing personal
I just need to do this myself

let's be more stubborn is my recent motto

let's love myself more, even if it's tough, especially when it's tough



to do that, let's start being more honest with myself, right?

i am going to lie to myself actually.
i am going to stand on my own side and defend my own feelings.


you? you are a joke to me!
you can defend yourself and justify yourself.

you believe you did the right thing?



good! good? good good!!
i also believe that i did the right thing so ***** you.



====

such a simple childish conversation, why did it take me so long to realize how powerful this is?

if I am not on my side, then who will be on my side? why do i always have to view it like others do?

why was i taught that i was bad if i hurt others' feelings??
what if they hurt my feelings?? is that right, then?

i am not sorry.
i do not want to feel a second's worth of guilt or hurt over it.
you hurt me and i hurt you back. you deserved it.

stop trying to take advantage of the fact that i am nice and desperate for people.

no one is really that important to each other.

not even lovers last!
divorces are ever-growing. no one wants to actually stay married. even john mulaney and his wife broke up. :(

parents can **** too!
orphanages keep growing in population, child abuse is rampant globally.

who says friendship lasts forever?
talk to all the middle schoolers and adults who have fallen out with multiple people over their short and long lives.

i call *******!
i was just taught to be a ******* doormat.

I'm just a simple dreamer
With thoughts and passions
Bigger than my body

Thoughts uncontrolled,
Unbridled, run across
Plains of white,
Mountains of shadows

A dreamer who had
Rather look up at the skies
Whether there be grey clouds,
Starry nights, harsh sunlight

Someone who had rather spend
Midnight, looking and talking
to the moon, pretending to hear
A response to all the mindless drivel

My thoughts go unheard
As they run across those
snow-white plains, across
towering shadows, till one day

The plains crumble to give way
The shadows burn
Just an orange flame left
Where they once existed

A time for farewell, a time for greeting.
The year passes and the new one starts.
Nothing spectacular, just ticking by,
Oh time. We're at the edge of the calendar.
Do slow down for a week, a day, an hour, a moment
As the time for farewell draws closer,
I wish you were closer.

Saturn might have lost it's rings
But I? I have lost my wings when I needed it most.
When I needed it, help abandoned me, people shunned me
I was left alone with nothing but space for company.
It's just beginning to become chilly

The air hardly makes goosebumps rise on anyone's skin
The reason for my goosebumps are different, you see.
I realised today with dread, that it was time.
Time to bid farewell to familiar friendly acquaintances,
Time to greet new, unknown faces of possible enemies.

A truce is over, another needs to be sought out.
A way out, a light to read the fine print by.
A truce just provides bare protection
End of an eventful year and too many things best forgotten.

In a few months, the worst will be upon me
After all, it's a cycle. It brings you high one second,
And the next you go tumbling down. Nothing could be stranger
Or more righteous than this cycle.

The edge of the calendar draws closer.
Saturn will barely be affected, on its way around the Sun.
Us mere Earthlings suffer as our year draws to an end

A time to die, a time to be born.
A time to laugh, a time to cry
Never a time for redemption.

You escaped
Through my fingers again
That answer which I
Have been clumsily chasing

With scabby scabby knees
Under starry starry nights
In quiet, lonely corners spent
Watching something indecipherable

A small answer
With such a resounding voice
Which I hope will soothe my brow
My nightmares it will quieten

An answer which I've been restlessly searching for
In the blood on my wrists
The scars that appear on my body-
Intentionally and otherwise

Digging open my heart and sometimes others
I rip them apart, stride (run) through recklessly
But when I leave, I don't leave a single mark

Sadness, weariness, desolation, isolation
All belongings of the poet
I will say hello to whichever one
I haven't greeted yet

Just so I can define and finally see
In all my sanity and insanity
That elusive, elusive answer

Born in starry starry skies
Starry starry cosmos
Descending beautiful

Maybe you might give me a kiss
In all your infinite knowing  
Something too beautiful for this world
At the moment when Oblivion opens
Its arms to me

Looking for an out
And escape,
How far are you willing to go?
Till Death you say,
That's a long way,
I say.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood one day..."

Which road to choose now we've come this far
dagger held to throat, blade over artery
How far indeed.
Would it be weakness to withdraw
Would it be attention-seeking to continue
Oh, some respite from this self-loathing
I changed, and you don't even know me.
I don't know me.
A day, an hour, a minute, a moment, a second
They become smaller, smaller, smaller.
The pain gets magnified
I feel it in my bones
Death doesn't lie far
- Whether spiritual, physical
Or finally, mental, still remains to be seen
I wish I'd foreseen this


We wish a number of things
Unusual things, each as pure as black.
We wish we had a place, a position to
Change the world to our liking
Let's admit it - it would never suit everyone
Machinery, we are. Machinery, we will remain.
A few draw closer to escape
Oh sweet, merciful, hellish escape  


"And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth"

I've been writing such exacting words

Addressing questions

Too many of them

Where's the love
the fun

if it's all laid out in print

It's supposed to be shady
The elusive meaning


Darting

                                                                   W  i  n  d  i  n  g

E                  r r            a ti                                        

c
  
                                                          T
                            u
                                                                                                 m
                                                                  b
                                           l
                                                                                              i
                                                               n
                                                       g

around



The lines.

Where's the fun if it's easy?

Lying back on the scratched bench
I heard the sound of horns approaching
A sign of sorts maybe for me to move
I tempered my urges and looked up at the skies
As kids of the night chased each other
Through streets in dreams that stitched together
Their own world where socks were plentiful
Their cuts were because of paper and
Their houses were free from debt collectors
Flashes of yellow made me pitch forward--
I sat up, my back striped and riddled with
Holes of a dream that did not belong to me.

I sit down
Write my heart
My ******* heart
Down
The stupid thing
Refuses to be published
The content?
Lost, lost, lost
Something in my heart
HURTS, hurts
So so bad
I want to chuck
My laptop at the walls
Smash its face in
Because I know
That I will
Never ever
Be able to say
These things
Face to face
I know that
I will
Never ever
Be able to
Write like
that Ever again

failed ambition
reeks of delayed hopes
endless doubts
a subversion of normal
admittedly
but sadness springs
of unrealized dreams

unfounded grandeur
inflated thoughts
and goals

is it a failure of oneself or a letdown of generations?

gaps between reality and aspirations

bottomless chasms

sitting on the sides
dazed new dreams
falling in