why do i keep falling for the girls hours upon hours away?
is it for the sensation upon falling for the impossible
or is it purely because i just enjoy their existence
or possibly it could be both
i enjoy their existence but it feels impossible
because if i am friends with them and i tell them it could go two ways
it could bloom into a wondrous relationship
or it destroy the flower of friendship

so am i to enjoy the flower i have bloomed?
or risk plucking out the petals for a chance at love

decisions like these seem so daunting and terrifying
and the answers are never revealed
so unknown garden seeming thoughts will forever haunt my mind
or possibly turn into action with known results
if only flowers couldn't be broken
and purely bloomed and thrived

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts

for a long time i would always get confused
whenever i would hear people say
that they still loved the person even when they were leaving them
and i would get very confused by that
inexperienced by love i would say
"well, why don't you stay with them and figure it out."
i now see why that isn't always possible

as i have now been put into that spot
and as i have left someone i still dearly adore
i understand
in no way is it easy
but it is the best way for happiness for them
and i now know why people do what i have done
because it makes the person you love happy
and if that means you having to be a little sad for a bit
then so be it

once upon a time...
god that's such a cheesy way to start out a tale
i mean
it could be a reasonable way to start this out considering we are no more
but it is just too fairy tale esc if we take in the fact of how we ended
well we were once very close
and I at one time thought you were my best friend
then our friendship ended...and then it started and ended again
and today i got an anonymous message
and i just deep down knew it was from you
you claimed to be shocked at how we once were close and aren't anymore
and that you don't even know me anymore
but this is how life goes and you hope the best for me
i don't know why i was so shocked by this
it might be because of how much time has passed
and how i've avoided you quite successfully
or it might be because of the hell you brought into my life
today i was reminded of you and i don't really know how to feel about it
i'm not particularly filled with hatred when you are mentioned
but i don't really wish to ever befriend you either

beautiful girl, why are you dating that ******* of a boy?
he's nothing but terrible to you
with his emotions toward you changing constantly
and the overwhelming jealousy for anybody around you
beautiful girl i say this out of kindness and because we're friends
i care about you and that is why i tell you that you deserve better
beautiful girl, everybody knows your not into him anymore
he's threatened to leave you multiple times so why don't you just leave him
and go after the girl you've been eyeing for weeks
nobody is going to judge you
beautiful girl, you deserve the world
and he isn't giving you the world
go after what the world is to you and don't look back
beautiful girl, leave the ******* holding you back

its so strange to think how different things are from 2 years ago
i know to some that may seem like forever ago
but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't
in my perspective i seem much farther away than it is
on the single fact of things are far different than they used to be
i spoke to people who were absolutely terrible to me
who have treated me like gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe
i was in quite possibly one of the darkest parts of my life so far
i was in such a terribly dark mindset and i didn't think i would ever get out of it
i was also not open with what was going on in my head at all
and then theres the giant thing of i was dating boys

all my old "besties" compared to my best friend now
what was i doing? is the first thing i'm asking myself
they all treated me terribly
i notice through all of them is that they were all about themselves
and they were too loud compared to my personality
everything was about them and i was always the sidekick
my best friend now
we are on an even playing field and are able to be open with each other
we are also able to have the friendship not revolving around one of us specifically

my mental health
it's not that different compared to now in all reality
it's just easier to manage considering i'm more open and know how to manage
being able to be open has been a savior to me
i've been in equally as dark of headspaces since then
i'm just able to manage everything a lot better than i used to

i was dating boys
i wasn't being myself in any shape or form
since then i've come out as a lesbian
i'm much happier within myself and i'm more comfortable with myself as well
its nothing against the boys i dated
i'm just not attracted to males

im much happier with myself and my life at this point in time
i am grateful to have an amazing support system
and so many things that others don't
i am so immensely thankful for everything in my life now
i have made such strides in accepting myself and ridding negative energy
and i always think its helpful to look back on a point in time
and be reminded of how things have changed and how they benefit me
and to also remind me of how thankful i need to be