you have always been half a world away
but now my heart is only breaking more
i don't know if you're really gone
but your silence only lengthens this war

even though you never knew it
you helped fight the demons in my mind
just the thought of you leaving me
erases all hope i could ever think to find

i honestly can't say that i'm surprised
i always knew that one day you'd leave me
but i still don't want to believe it's true
because my heart still says that it can't be

i didn't even know that i could break more
but i guess that's what you do
you poison and destroy
then leave when it's convenient for you

even though you've ruined me forever
to me, love was never a lie
and there is no way that i could ever say
goodbye

i love you. i do, i really do. and i’m sorry if it freaks you out sometimes, but these feelings are so overwhelmingly strong that it shakes my whole system even after 2 am. i dream of you constantly and it horrifies me because they seem so real — as if i could still feel it, taste it, remember it like it happened yesterday.

i love you, and it’s scary to think that your words can break me anytime, any moment. i am vulnerable to you, and i think it’s both beautiful and sad how i easily & effortlessly gave it all up just so i could be with you. there’s just something — God knows what — that made me want to be with you even though i’m aware that you’re galaxies away from me.

i love you, and i love how i feel beautiful when you say that you are in love with me too. God, you are my favorite. i must admit that i have kissed & loved enough boys to know what brokenness truly feels like, but you mended me just like i’m something familiar, something you’ve been fixing your entire life. it’s a sick, mad world we’re living in, but you make it seem less agonizing whenever i hear you say those three words at 3 am, 4 pm, or 11 pm.

i’m in love with you, and it’s more intoxicating than the cigarettes and the alcohol i’ve taken in my whole life combined, and i don’t even want to be sober. you are the high even without the drug. you are the euphoria even without the ******* (beautiful) fireworks. you are the emotion even without the words.

i love you, and it’s okay if you can’t put it into words — how you feel — because even the silence i spend with you is enough to give me butterflies in my empty stomach. i don’t know what time it is, but it’s past midnight, and i’m still writing about you. i am a mess for and because of you, and my handwriting is proof. you shake my system even when you’re not there, and my dear, this is rare.

i love you dearly, with all honestly, and with all faithfulness. and i can’t help but think about you, every **** day. you’re both my drug and my antidote. my poem. my sunlight, my stars. my soul.

and i hope you love me too, as much as i love you.

we would cry ourselves to sleep in each other's arms
and wake up to a dark sunrise,
counting tear drop stains on our pillows

this can't happen anymore
these twisted games you play
that i slowly let you win

the side glances, the hand-holding
all the flirting
it leaves me wondering if we could be
good together again, but i know we couldn't

here's the messed-up part of it all
i know that you mean so much more to me
than i do to you
it leaves me torn, while you walk away, again

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Maybe it is because drugs were never your forte and
through me they flowed so easily.
but I do recall a boy who craved
to be a part of my
scene, but he didn't belong what
with his Nike socks and his
Polo shirts.
That couldn't be it,
because you wanted
every other girl there
over me and nearly ****** my
best friend in the bed that
held me the day before.
I was never good enough for you.
I didn't work out and
especially didn't not in
matching gear from all of your
expensive favorites.
I preferred botched up jeans and
a flannel that didn't quite match
my beanie or
my shoes.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Hell, you'd rarely even
hold my hand in
your car let alone in
public, did you worry about
how it looked to be seen with
someone like me? Someone who
you'd give that same disgusted look
every ******* day?
You'd look at me with complete
self-glorification and absolute
lack of empathy, no love
left for the girl who would
slit her own ******* throat
if you truly desired it.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
****, maybe you are.