When you think of me I hope that you smile,
not think about how i suffered for a while ..
I'm sorry I couldn't get better
This is my suicide letter...

Please know its not your fault you never could've known
but this sadness has lingered far too long and secretly had grown.
I couldn't tell you tho, cuz i didn't have the heart,
i couldnt bear to see it in your eyes when i told you we would part.
Don't ever think that you weren't enough, i swear you almost saved me.
But this world is so corrupt, please know that i love you baby...
And mother don't waste a prayer on me, I'm unsavable.
I tried to help myself but I'm incapable.  
No meds no therapist no ******* psych ward,
Nothing could save me not even your dear Lord
Your unconditional love was unbelievable
Your kindness and big heart, unbeatable
And to my father, I know im appearing weak
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like you raised me to be
You showed me discipline but also affection
It's not your fault I took to this direction
To my sister, you were always there for me
I was psychotic and you made me feel accepted and free
I will never forget how understanding you were
But the rest of my life feels like a ****** up blur
To my brother, you protected me and were my inspiration
Teaching me what you knew and your beautiful dedication
I couldn't have asked for better surroundings to grow up by
I know you're reading this and asking "then, why?"

I dont even ******* know...

There's no way to explain this empty pit in me
There's no end in sight to this dark misery
I'm surrounded by loved ones yet i feel alone
I feel darkness deep inside and cold to the bone
Let these cuts release the demons that have made me this way
I'll be free from this world before tonight turns to day
The world will keep spinning and nothing will change
My soul will be free as just my body remains
Be happy for me cuz I escaped the dark
And now i can stay peacefully in your hearts

Thank you all for trying your best
But now i must go, and put my soul to rest

I've written 4 suicide letters, each one better than the last. I'd thought I'd mastered the art of saying goodbye through a piece of page. Nothing can compare to the last one I wrote, so poetic; I knew I couldn't use my previous ones cause if I did no one would see there was at least something that came out of my depression. In and out of psychologists rooms - I swear this is exhausting, but ma wants me to get better. I laugh at her cause better is only like my father's presence; it ain't there. Suicide letter number 4 had me believing for sure I wouldn't make it out alive, there was just something about the way I had stalked all those words in the dictionary, I put some light in there hoping I'd see the same light when I'd finally come to rest. But I couldn't, if I could I would; overdosing, drowning, popping a vein, all that and I couldn't do it. There's something in the way nurses look at me that make me despise hospitals, I hate the sympathy on their faces and mostly I hate them for having that motherly affection. Ain't nothing worse than doctors telling you to rest when the only rest you need would've been death. You see what I feel is a type of tired that sleep can't fix, or maybe sleep 6ft under would fix it, I don't know honestly.

I don't know why you left me
during such a hard and lonely time.
I can't understand why I won't let myself see
that you're being more than just shy.
I try to keep my head clear
and keep the thoughts of you away.
Just an empty space after "dear"
too many words are left to say.
Nights are growing darker
sleep is once again the enemy.
Your memory has become much larger
than the strength that's build inside of me.
So sing me that song just one more time
I promise I'll do my best, I won't cry.
But you've lost the words, and your sunshine
two words are all that's left to say...