today,
I hang in the balance

I traipse the line between free
and consumed

because you spoke to me
again

really spoke
more than you really ever had
spoke like friends
(maybe more than friends)

and though I thought I was
prepared
I’d practiced
hating you
I’d gotten over it
found someone else
(though that’s not going particularly well)
but no

and I know you
that’s the hardest part
I know you

I know that this you
this you I’m falling for
again
after so many **** times
I’ve lost track

this is not you

this you is the quiet you
the you that likes me
because I’m feisty and a little
different
the you that teases me,
but never to embarrass
the you that knows I’m vulnerable
and cares
the you that flirts but doesn’t force  
that is kind and friendly and opens up
and tells me
quiet things

But I know that tomorrow
you’ll be someone else
in the hallway
in passing
across the room  

so I’ll miss this you
I’ll get over it
slowly,
as you proceed to ignore me

only to fall
once more
just when I think I’m free
a smile
thrown
as you round the corner
where I stand
your eyes crinkle
at the edges      
they see it all
and they know me
and my heart leaps
once again

you know
I know
It’s all happened before

My dear old flame
I'd sigh with your name,
follow you
then lost in your eyes.

No they aren't as clean
nor as deep or as blue,

they aren't the sky
or the ocean
or pools.

oh no, not pristine, luster of glass.

The closer I'd peer
into them
by the end
You'd appear to me, but an ***.

She has her own demons,
And she wants you to vanquish them...
Stupid boy,
Not defend and empower them...

What?
Oh no that's alright

I never liked my heart anyway

By all means, please
go ahead and beat the living hell out of that useless thing

all it does is get me into trouble anyways.

Please, go on

Rip it out of me and stomp on it

Pierce it with a poisoned blade

What do you care?

You don't know how that would feel

How could you?

You've always been

And will always be

HEARTLESS

Alright, alright fine.

I guess maybe I over reacted a little bit

I mean, I suppose it's not as though we were dating, just flirting

Flirting is a very different thing. No commitment.

It's not like you broke any promises

I guess that if I had thought that I had a chance with someone I had convinced myself I loved for a long time, I would probably have done the same thing

I'm still ****** of course, don't get me wrong

I still want to hurt you

I still hate you with every ounce of my being

I still have reason to blame you

Don't get me wrong on that.

I still blame you, and have every right to

However,

I suppose

Maybe

I don't loathe you anymore

I guess I have re-examined and a lot of it was in my head

I made up a lot and mistook lots of what you said

I'm not saying I don't believe I had every right to react negatively

But I guess I'll admit, I overreacted.

Alright?

But you still hurt me.

Even if you didn't mean to.

And I have developed a bit of a plan.

Careful.

A shameful man I am
At age fifteen.
I break hearts and my own head.
Injuries to people
Though I'm empty inside.
In some way I need more.
Be it drugs, or ***.
But I could never do something good-
At least not for me.
And to my fears,
I'll add one more.