I wear your hoodie still.
The bulldawgs logo still in place perfectly on the grey colored scheme.
Keeping me safe.
My protection.

Crazy to think it’ll almost be three years.
Two years and 10 months to be exact.
Ever so often I wish it could’ve been different.

Even so you’re somehow still around.
Slightly haunting my thoughts and surroundings.
A faint whisper of my name echos in your voice.
The small sensation of your arms around me.

Every so often I do cry for you.
Yearning to hear your laugh and seeing your mischievous crooked grin.
You teasing me until we cried tears of laughter.

Some days I think you’re right next to me,
Pushing me forward and giving me a small nudge of
“It’s going to be okay scrub.”

Going down the roads we used to be on.
Memories of the great times and the bad ones.
Never a dull moment in those times.
Now only I can remember them.

You were truly the love of my life.
I couldn’t have been more grateful to have known you.
Thank you for loving me.

One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.

Heavy grief strikes and bears a Soul found stagnant, starving, and stiff. If imbued with form a reflection of rotted wood would fill your eyes to their edges. Search for meaning in the murk swallow an ocean of tears if you must. It’s simple to hallow yourself void of feeling although to be better than the days passed is nearly insurmountable, yet on the morning that you passed I swore myself to my own betterment. I will plant myself firm as you had many times. In honor of you I will live.