wasnt any reason for me to lie.
the scars and bruises where they lie
why on earth do you doubt
why do you push and shove and shout

selfishly sick is what i be
the trauma fake? oh honestly!
i let it happen
i hurt myself
i do it all
and don't ask for help

i am failing critically
i am sick, selfishly.

i let you laugh
i let you lie
i kiss my "normal" life goodbye.
i let my thoughts
dissipate
let the next person take my place

if i lied for over a year
wouldnt that make the truth everclear?
foggy memories swirling endlessly

we are sick, selfishly

-yjp

it neither killed me,
nor made me stronger,
it did a third thing

~

got angels and devils sitting on my shoulders, in my ears
these different parts of me— you’ve seen them through the years

i live in fragments
i'm never whole
it's not the life i thought i'd lead
at least it's never ******* dull

i lost my head
found these instead
and never felt quite like 'me' again

even when i’m alone
i’m never lonely

~

i hear the voices
from the inside out
oh stop; i recognize that look you're giving me:
"why keep it hidden from us until now?"

i don't recall much from after ten years old
let’s call that 'brain rot'
lost memories of repeat awful happenings
that i still don't know if i deserved or not (you didn’t)(x2)


the only one who ever truly knows what's going on is you

there’s somethin funny going on up in this house
check the front, now the windows, see? the lights are out
no one’s home, just us voices, extra extroverted noises
just the other people in your head making you regret your choices
it’s just us bonus mouths to feed and sometimes hands to hold
we hope you hear us when we say this covert thing is getting kinda old

i’ve gotta rewire some things inside me
not in the right headspace to take life on right now
without a little extra help from those around and before and inside me

i’ve gotta release some demons, exorcise me
keeping them bottled up for so long, they’ve
got other people’s hands all over me, shaking things up
a prisoner to my own hidden feelings , i’m ready to burst

want to get it out, once and for all
not be trapped inside any longer

a bunch of secrets bouncing around my bones
like stubborn trespasser(s)

i
mold
meld
melt
molt

i find myself lost in us again
wrapping your& words around me like a hug
falling in love with this cosmic entanglement
watched us bloom in times of turmoil
and
i'm just so happy to be home, finally

head filled with thoughts of knives and blood and tears and the finality of the silence that comes After.

short car rides feel that much longer one-handed and with your mind taking detours.

an empty passenger's seat, save for the bag of fresh pharmacy goods; bandages and pills and the sting of the chill winter air.

the suffocating feeling of being stuck inside all day, except this home is a body and relief is only found in quick, deep successions.

basement flooding with memories of Then and When and Red and we find ourselves to be lost in it all. drowning even.

wade through the murk and discover us in the darkest alcoves of yourself. we hide in the shadows where it's safest, drenched.

it's hard to stay present around these parts for very long without something (or someone) stirring inside begging us to forget the rest.

never quite sure of who or where i am
this head's all over the place
wishing it all could be so easy
to look back at this face

see the real me through these eyes
not be fooled by this flesh disguise
there's a familiarity to the confusion

voices echoing inside me
they want to share time
invited them in, it’s a party
can't distance ourselves in the same body