I shut people out almost like it's a living

Like I'm getting paid to do it
Even though that's the farthest thing from the truth
It's simply more complex than that

When I see friends out and about
enjoying each other's company
I start to feel this ache in my chest
Not a physical ache but an emotional one
Almost like a longing to have what they have
But how can I miss something that I never had in the first place

Sure people get to know me
introductions and everything else related to friendship
but it seems that every single time
I'm left in the dust
abandoned or replaced
it happens like clockwork

You might argue you have a lot of friends
what about them
I acknowledge the fact that I have friends and I treasure them
don't get me wrong I do
But in the same token, it gets old
being replaced

Saturday night football game,
surrounded by a crowd of cheering fans,
classmates I'm supposed to call my friends,
but honestly, I'd much rather be home in my PJs,
watching corny movies with my grandma.

"Where are you going?" they ask.
Like they even care.
They don't.

I decide to leave,
but just as I'm walking out,
there you are.

The boy with the brown eyes and the brown hair,
but everything else about him bright and shining like the sun,
with every color that blossoms from the innermost workings
of my aching heart,
The boy that makes weeks feel like days
and hours feel like seconds,
The boy I never thought I'd stand a chance with,
until now.

What do I do?
Do I pretend your eyes didn't just catch mine?
Do I leave, regardless of the fact
that this could be the very opportunity
I've been waiting for?
Do I stay,
unsure if I'd even get up the nerve
to talk to you?

But before I can think about this any longer,
before I can talk myself out of saying the two letters
I should've never said,
"Hi" slips out from underneath my tongue
and wraps itself around my neck
like a rope that, if pulled only the slightest bit tighter,
would've had the potential to strangle every thought in my mind
to silence.

But to my surprise, you smile.
Oh, how precious that smile was.
I haven't seen it in a while,
you know.

So we talk and we laugh,
and you ask me if I'd like to sit,
go somewhere we can be alone.

I lead.
You sit down next to me,
your leg brushing up against mine.

A rusty old picnic table
becomes a spot I'd never forget,
a soon-to-be landmark behind all the bleachers and fake friends,
all the screaming, all the cheering, of people who'll never know
what it's like to feel the way I did that night.

A little boy runs out in front of us,
playing with a small car his mom must've let him bring,
his curly blonde hair bouncing up and down with every step.

You tell me about that time you fell off your bike,
went tumbling down and got right back up
to ride all the way back home.
How your dad called and you answered,
forgetting to mention the severity of what had just happened.
The way your brother looked at you when you stumbled through the front door,
all bruised and beaten up like you'd just been in a bad fight.
The way you walked upstairs,
how you just laughed.

I tell you about anything I can think of,
anything that you didn't already know.
To be honest, I don't even remember what I said.
I was so nervous I didn't even know words
were coming out of my mouth
until you laughed that laugh,
the same one as when you fell off your bike.

Soon, silence falls upon us,
but not the kind that thickens the air
and makes it hard to breathe.
No, the "this is so amazing I'm at a loss for words"
kind of silence.
The same silence everyone needs to experience in their lives.

And suddenly,
in the midst of our perfect quiet,
you do something you'd never be able to take back,
something that meant a lot more to me
than it ever would to you:
you put your arm around me.

I remember feeling so special.
I remember finally accepting the fact
that you could feel the same about me
as I always had for you.

I remember feeling like nothing in the world could hurt me,
nothing could bring me down,
not as long as your arm stayed right there,
around mine.

But nothing stays perfect forever.
Quiet moments fade,
the clock runs out,
players shake hands,
crowds go home.

And before you know it,
Saturday nights fade into Sunday mornings.
And Sunday mornings feel like let-downs
after Saturday nights like those.

I can't stand to think that now you look at another,
the way I want you to look at me.
I can't stand to think that your life,
is better off without me.
I just can't stand it.
What you may ask?
Well, that now you don't love me

i hate when someone tells me they love me it’s all  ******* nothing but bitter illusions and ******* and for a while that’s all i was made out of . I gave my heart to her , and she held it close enough for me not to leave but too far for me to reach out to hers, she’ll still swear up and down she loves me , and that she’d love to be with me but she just can’t for whatever the jack **** reason. I don’t really care anymore, everybody after her will probably say i never did in the first place, but i did , they just weren’t in first place, there's always someone else, there used to be at least, i never stayed to just one girl i’d have one girl think i was drop dead in love with her and all her friends just waiting for a shot, while i had 3 other girls ready for whatever whenever, just longing for my attention , some would call it childish but sometimes adults need safety nets, and so what if i was childish i’m ******* 16 years old and everyone around me acts like i’m supposed to have my life together, so i act like my lifes together , but it never is nor will it ever really will be, i’ve lost to much of myself, i lost her , and her , and her ,and her and her and her and her and it goes on probably , or not i’m not sure, my best friend as of now’ll prolly just say i’m in love with everything that walks, and i’ll playfully tell her yeah i’m probably in love with you too , haha who knows right ? If i’m in love with everything that walks can you be my line leader for a month or 6 or the rest of eternity , i can’t explain how i feel about you, and i’m sure you hate that just as much as i do , to make it simple i’m crazy about you, but i’m literally crazy about you, no scratch that i’m psychotic about you cause if anything touches my moonlight they won’t walk another day in the sun, their family’s won’t either , not a single soul associated with who ever hurt my peace will live a sane life , i will **** them literally i will rip them to shreds. But i’m a paradox, i did what i would never let someone else do , i hurt you more than i’m sure most people ever will, i guess that’s why when you and her were feeding your pill addiction i was killing myself off with anything i could get my hands on , i was disgusted at my infatuation with her beauty  , i still am, i was outraged about how much she caught my eye, and how i couldn’t stop, it was a love spell i swear it had to have been , it's the look in her eyes, i’m sorry i’m so sorry i’m sure you know the look, it couldn’t have only been me she was way too good, at everything, she knew , everything, i couldn’t explain it but this girl had me in every single way, i've never been so attracted to anyone in my life ******* the fatality wasn’t even worth it , but if i seen her today and she gave me that look i know i couldn’t resist ,her eyes says she loves me and it’s all mine, in fact last time i seen her i think “i love it because it’s all mine” slipped out or something like that, but i corrected myself and said at least until “you leave tonight but i don’t care”,but the thing is i do care and i haven’t cared about someone since the last girl i called best friend who left me for her punk *** ***** pretty boy lover **** ***** , she dipped on some *******,a complete miss since of communication that i tried to talk to , i always did it was always me i fought and **** her no just **** her , and **** all of them **** everyone who’s ever said they’d be there , what happened , has forever already ended princess, i thought the wick was longer on my firework , i thought i could keep it going , i don’t ******* know i fell in love with the way she looked at me , it was empty yet so full of love , it was everything and nothing , it was a paradox and a challenge i thought i could handle , but i couldn’t ,  i fall in love with the moment i guess, i don’t really know, i don’t know where i’m at anymore , i’m just floating , watching life pass by , watching the the girl i’d die for drown in the girl i cried for , i can’t leave , i can’t do anything, i can’t do anything when it’s over i can’t do anything tamper , i can’t stop her from hurting herself again , i can’t stop her from trying to love her again , i can’t stop these two empty bottles from dropping out of my hands , don’t get me wrong , i actually have the power to destroy it all, god nothing would make me happier , than seeing you both where i’m at, except seeing you both happy, but i can’t watch you two form that together, i can’t think about her lips pressed against your skin , or her breath running down your neck, or her teeth at your thighs, i can’t i've never felt an anger so fierce so hot a hate so cold the devil would ask for help . What am i to do  , no really someone anyone please tell me what i’m supposed to do .  i don’t ******* know , i’ve been thinking about leaving state, getting away from all the familiar faces, but what good is running away from you problems, i don’t run i fight, but how do i fight this fight, i know i’ve committed to many wrongs to make any of this exactly right but this isn’t fair this is ******* , and i now know exactly how i made you feel and that’s *******, and i can take away everything you feel and that’s *******, i love you and that’s ******* you love her and that’s ******* , she can’t love and that’s ******* , love is ******* and i hate everything and everyone , you’re all ******* nothing you’re not really there you don’t really care you just act like you do but in reality you’re just there to make sure i don’t harm your plans and i don’t wrong you , you say you watch out for me but you really just watch me, i’m really so ******* nice , you don’t understand no one understands, i’m just an ******* to everyone in everyone's eyes, but really i’m the nicest ******* little **** ever , i could throw everything in a ******* tornado that no one would get out ,i can take everyone to my home . HELL , no one would ******* like that , no one would be right , everyone i mean ******* everyone , but no i don’t i keep my cool i let all this nonsense fly i don’t do ****, i’m really a nice guy once you think about it , but i’m just the drop out ******* loser who doesn’t go to school and might still your girlfriend, i call myself god a lot but i’m a lot closer to the devil the devil is a fallen angel , the devil was good he got greedy with power tho , i’m a lot similar except , i didn’t get greedy with power and fill myself of hate, i got greedy with love and the idea of “us” i infatuated myself deep within the idea of how perfect we could be, i gave you all my love, all of you , and this is where i’m at, watching live from hell floating over earth , hate filled veins fueling the empty heart from the head of a thousand demons, i fight them a lot tho , i fight them cause i can’t get over you , i can’t get over your touch and i can even catch your scent if i’m to deep in nostalgia , everything reminds me of you and i mean everything , i can’t open my phone without seeing your face, i don’t even sit in the same chair at my best friends house, neither of them , i loved you so much, and we could’ve had it all and i know it was rough and i know how you are cause we were one in the same so i know those feelings couldn’t have just left and i know it couldn’t have been that simple could it ? cause i’m still not over you and it's been basically 2 months since you looked at me differently , you told me that spark was still there , and everytime we kiss it lights me a new one, but am i really just another one of them to you , i’ve never been one of them , i’ve always been him, and i don’t know, i seen forever with you and i still do and i can’t shake that , i can’t help that when i see my future i have 3 kids and this gorgeous trophy wife , i can’t shake the feeling that it’ll happen , and it'll work out,why can’t i shake that , if i could i’d be over you i swear , but you can’t run away from the future and i guess that’s just where i had you pinned down, and i’m tripping is what i felt not real , how fake was the love ******* i let myself drown and i hate water , i did everything i said i wouldn’t , i’m not a cliche person at all, you just gave me a reason to be , you made me realize why cliche is a thing why the essence of such stupidity exist , you gave me a taste of love when you’ve been numb to it your self how , i don’t understand , why is my heart so dead set on this girl, i knew right from the start when her leg across my lap i wouldn't be able to escape if i tampered with this tornado , i was drawn into the eye of the storm where it was calm and beautiful , the storm itself the chaos everything was beautiful because within that eye layed my green eyed goddess and i’d swear right now i won’t stop untill i get her back, but that's the wrong thing to do , she told me she loved you .

Just the same old feeling
of bordem
of nothing
Everything drained
by life
by you
pushed out
over
and over
until there's nothing left
except
old feelings
I still have for you