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Jul 2016
i hate when someone tells me they love me it’s all  ******* nothing but bitter illusions and ******* and for a while that’s all i was made out of . I gave my heart to her , and she held it close enough for me not to leave but too far for me to reach out to hers, she’ll still swear up and down she loves me , and that she’d love to be with me but she just can’t for whatever the jack **** reason. I don’t really care anymore, everybody after her will probably say i never did in the first place, but i did , they just weren’t in first place, there's always someone else, there used to be at least, i never stayed to just one girl i’d have one girl think i was drop dead in love with her and all her friends just waiting for a shot, while i had 3 other girls ready for whatever whenever, just longing for my attention , some would call it childish but sometimes adults need safety nets, and so what if i was childish i’m ******* 16 years old and everyone around me acts like i’m supposed to have my life together, so i act like my lifes together , but it never is nor will it ever really will be, i’ve lost to much of myself, i lost her , and her , and her ,and her and her and her and her and it goes on probably , or not i’m not sure, my best friend as of now’ll prolly just say i’m in love with everything that walks, and i’ll playfully tell her yeah i’m probably in love with you too , haha who knows right ? If i’m in love with everything that walks can you be my line leader for a month or 6 or the rest of eternity , i can’t explain how i feel about you, and i’m sure you hate that just as much as i do , to make it simple i’m crazy about you, but i’m literally crazy about you, no scratch that i’m psychotic about you cause if anything touches my moonlight they won’t walk another day in the sun, their family’s won’t either , not a single soul associated with who ever hurt my peace will live a sane life , i will **** them literally i will rip them to shreds. But i’m a paradox, i did what i would never let someone else do , i hurt you more than i’m sure most people ever will, i guess that’s why when you and her were feeding your pill addiction i was killing myself off with anything i could get my hands on , i was disgusted at my infatuation with her beauty  , i still am, i was outraged about how much she caught my eye, and how i couldn’t stop, it was a love spell i swear it had to have been , it's the look in her eyes, i’m sorry i’m so sorry i’m sure you know the look, it couldn’t have only been me she was way too good, at everything, she knew , everything, i couldn’t explain it but this girl had me in every single way, i've never been so attracted to anyone in my life ******* the fatality wasn’t even worth it , but if i seen her today and she gave me that look i know i couldn’t resist ,her eyes says she loves me and it’s all mine, in fact last time i seen her i think “i love it because it’s all mine” slipped out or something like that, but i corrected myself and said at least until “you leave tonight but i don’t care”,but the thing is i do care and i haven’t cared about someone since the last girl i called best friend who left me for her punk *** ***** pretty boy lover **** ***** , she dipped on some *******,a complete miss since of communication that i tried to talk to , i always did it was always me i fought and **** her no just **** her , and **** all of them **** everyone who’s ever said they’d be there , what happened , has forever already ended princess, i thought the wick was longer on my firework , i thought i could keep it going , i don’t ******* know i fell in love with the way she looked at me , it was empty yet so full of love , it was everything and nothing , it was a paradox and a challenge i thought i could handle , but i couldn’t ,  i fall in love with the moment i guess, i don’t really know, i don’t know where i’m at anymore , i’m just floating , watching life pass by , watching the the girl i’d die for drown in the girl i cried for , i can’t leave , i can’t do anything, i can’t do anything when it’s over i can’t do anything tamper , i can’t stop her from hurting herself again , i can’t stop her from trying to love her again , i can’t stop these two empty bottles from dropping out of my hands , don’t get me wrong , i actually have the power to destroy it all, god nothing would make me happier , than seeing you both where i’m at, except seeing you both happy, but i can’t watch you two form that together, i can’t think about her lips pressed against your skin , or her breath running down your neck, or her teeth at your thighs, i can’t i've never felt an anger so fierce so hot a hate so cold the devil would ask for help . What am i to do  , no really someone anyone please tell me what i’m supposed to do .  i don’t ******* know , i’ve been thinking about leaving state, getting away from all the familiar faces, but what good is running away from you problems, i don’t run i fight, but how do i fight this fight, i know i’ve committed to many wrongs to make any of this exactly right but this isn’t fair this is ******* , and i now know exactly how i made you feel and that’s *******, and i can take away everything you feel and that’s *******, i love you and that’s ******* you love her and that’s ******* , she can’t love and that’s ******* , love is ******* and i hate everything and everyone , you’re all ******* nothing you’re not really there you don’t really care you just act like you do but in reality you’re just there to make sure i don’t harm your plans and i don’t wrong you , you say you watch out for me but you really just watch me, i’m really so ******* nice , you don’t understand no one understands, i’m just an ******* to everyone in everyone's eyes, but really i’m the nicest ******* little **** ever , i could throw everything in a ******* tornado that no one would get out ,i can take everyone to my home . HELL , no one would ******* like that , no one would be right , everyone i mean ******* everyone , but no i don’t i keep my cool i let all this nonsense fly i don’t do ****, i’m really a nice guy once you think about it , but i’m just the drop out ******* loser who doesn’t go to school and might still your girlfriend, i call myself god a lot but i’m a lot closer to the devil the devil is a fallen angel , the devil was good he got greedy with power tho , i’m a lot similar except , i didn’t get greedy with power and fill myself of hate, i got greedy with love and the idea of “us” i infatuated myself deep within the idea of how perfect we could be, i gave you all my love, all of you , and this is where i’m at, watching live from hell floating over earth , hate filled veins fueling the empty heart from the head of a thousand demons, i fight them a lot tho , i fight them cause i can’t get over you , i can’t get over your touch and i can even catch your scent if i’m to deep in nostalgia , everything reminds me of you and i mean everything , i can’t open my phone without seeing your face, i don’t even sit in the same chair at my best friends house, neither of them , i loved you so much, and we could’ve had it all and i know it was rough and i know how you are cause we were one in the same so i know those feelings couldn’t have just left and i know it couldn’t have been that simple could it ? cause i’m still not over you and it's been basically 2 months since you looked at me differently , you told me that spark was still there , and everytime we kiss it lights me a new one, but am i really just another one of them to you , i’ve never been one of them , i’ve always been him, and i don’t know, i seen forever with you and i still do and i can’t shake that , i can’t help that when i see my future i have 3 kids and this gorgeous trophy wife , i can’t shake the feeling that it’ll happen , and it'll work out,why can’t i shake that , if i could i’d be over you i swear , but you can’t run away from the future and i guess that’s just where i had you pinned down, and i’m tripping is what i felt not real , how fake was the love ******* i let myself drown and i hate water , i did everything i said i wouldn’t , i’m not a cliche person at all, you just gave me a reason to be , you made me realize why cliche is a thing why the essence of such stupidity exist , you gave me a taste of love when you’ve been numb to it your self how , i don’t understand , why is my heart so dead set on this girl, i knew right from the start when her leg across my lap i wouldn't be able to escape if i tampered with this tornado , i was drawn into the eye of the storm where it was calm and beautiful , the storm itself the chaos everything was beautiful because within that eye layed my green eyed goddess and i’d swear right now i won’t stop untill i get her back, but that's the wrong thing to do , she told me she loved you .
I moved on, I really loved her tho.
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