How too often,

as well as unfortunate, it is that

I find myself feeling at odds with-

ashamed of even-

for being the person I am.

My whole being seeming to be

something so very foreign-

as if all I am made of is

far too immense,

and much too intense

to exist in all its entirety-

that I instinctively work

to melt myself down enough

to be filled within the jagged cracks

of life's very own looking glass.

Where I am to be

hardened, bent

to fit and disappear into

it's illusive mold.

Where I am no longer too much

of something then-

I'll be nothing at all.

I see a friend in the face of a stranger,

but I let the stranger pass me by.

As quick as a cold breeze

brushing against me in the empty night.

A glimpse of a person

whom could have been

that piece of a soul who could

connect with mine.

A connection brought out by love

that is also not love.

An innocent love fueled by companionship,

of two souls recognizing one another.

Not as the conjoining of one

but as if journeying side by side.

Like that of children,

conjoining only in the soft comfort

of two, gentle hands.

I've seen a friend in the face of strangers,

but a friend is still yet to be.

In the loneliness, I wonder,

does the stranger see the face of

a friend in me?

Sometimes, I find myself

trapped in an empty room.

But... this specific room

isn't filled with an oppressive darkness.

The walls don't whisper

a devilish call in my ears.

And cold doesn't capture me

in an icy embrace.

In this room, it is still.

It is silent.

It is hollow.

And I am just there

sharing space among the nothingness.

In this room I should feel peace,

perhaps even serenity,

but there I stand and

I am impracticable.

I am insignificant.

I am inane.

And I am entirely alone.

No one saw my pain
Even when I had no idea how to smile
I was literally dying inside
And at the closest call of ending it

No one saw my pain
I was sort of always in the backround
It sounds like a clyche but it was my reality

Everybody saw a door as a door
I saw a gate with steel bars and no password to get inside
They saw new people as an opportunite
I saw them as kings and queens, as higher royalty than me
I could never reach their level of "hey be my friend"
Why were they so scary
Why was I so afraid
I have no answer
It was just constant hell and me seeking for help without asking

I am not a happy pearl
I am not a bursting sea
I don't know when to turn back and wave for help
I always felt so trapped, there was just no place for me
Of all the steps I took, there was no shoes to be filling the path I made in the snow
Not a single one followed me, for my secrets are meant to be kept?

If they had just looked a little closer, way past the camera lense
They would have seen my scar, and my bleeding hand
They were always so happy and cheerful as they could be,
As I was laying on the ground thinking about what could be

How are they so carefree, when I plan every step and move I make
To not be in the way, but also be seen
I tried so hard playing that part, but with no confidence

They were all so cheerful
I just didn't understand
How can I be in the same room
But not understanding what is there

I just kept hiding those flaws they never saw
I didn't dare to eat the dinner that we cooked
I stayed far away and went around as a busboy the whole day

I think I could have been more
Maybe just a little more off the side
Not right in the middle but like a quarter of enough

I kept it a secret as long as I could
But I had to give an answer and to the emergency we went
I was hiding
I was venting
I was in pain
I am in pain
Will I always feel this pain inside
This was years ago,  you would think memories would go
But not mine no, they stay hidden until they pop up and i'm right back there again.

I can’t find the words
For anything.
They don’t just flow out of my mouth,
All rhythmic and smooth like everyone else.
They come out all choppy,
Unintelligible,
Incomprehensible.
So that’s why I sealed my lips.
I closed my mouth and hid my voice.
Not one word will slip
Out.
Speechless.

This morning,
I opened the blinds
to my window

the sun rays beamed
at my face to say
"Welcome. Come on in."

I suddenly
thought to myself
"If only it were that easy for me."


- a.r.Camm

She danced through the night,

Under the shadow of the moon's light

Her white dress flowed as she spun

When she moved, every spirit and soul on the earth became one



Her face sparkled with a twinkle in her eye,

It shone as bright as the stars in the sky

Her grey eyes looked calm and serene

Her movements as flawless as anybody had seen



No jewellery adorned her, just a white rose in her hair,

Its sweet smell would chase away any despair

She was truly a beauty with her hair black as coal

But it was unlike her pure white soul



Like a bird in the darkness,

She danced with such a finesse

But when the sun came soaring high,

She would disappear in the blink of an eye



As the people gathered on the streets,

On the run, she would be

No animal or human could find her when she was gone

She would return in the night and vanish the next morn



The light chased her away

The sun left her astray

Unlike the shadows they made her suffer

But she was an elegant dancer

And the midnight belonged to her



-Grisha. S

I'm good at hiding
Can't you tell?
I whisper things
I'd rather yell.

I swear to god
I cross my heart
But you can't tell
The lies apart.

I close my eyes
So that you can't see
The one I'm showing
Really isn't me