My little love.

You are growing inside me. 2 inches long they say. Arms and legs. Finger nails.

I love you.

I'm drinking
And smoking
Eating sushi
And deli meat

I remember when I was 17

I sat down on my dad's coffee table
And I cried

I said
"Daddy I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore."

And he said:
"I know kid. It never gets better. You just have to do it."

I am broken. I am sad.
I want to die everyday.
Little person.  

I knew I was pregnant months ago.
My depression kept me from doing anything about it.

I'm almost too far along for easy pills.
I can't afford anything else.

I'm going to **** you

I'm so sorry baby.

I'm going to take your heartbeat away.

Every day that I've been alive I have wished not to be.

You're half me.
You understand.

These aren't excuses. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel broken. I feel like a murderer.


I love you.
You won't exist.
You won't hurt.
Your grandpa will take you home.
Long before I get there.



Say hi to grandpa baby.
Tell him I miss him and I'm sorry.

I love you so I won't make you do this.

Came back
Survived the ride
Plunged into dark
Saw the light

I'm back!!!
I will now be posting
Regularly
I missed you all

Mountains of pillows,
Soft sheets,
and warm covers,
couldn't bring you into my arms.

Wrinkles and sunken silhouettes,
remind me of what we once had.
Now you only **** me
when the calories and lust hit your gut.

I hate sleeping alone,
you won't help me resolve the issues
that block my way to you.
What we once had.

Washing machines drain the fabric of you
in every cycle
One more day my body forget the tenderness of you
and your loving arms.

Je sais que tu ne peux toujours
pas m'oublier, comme ta belle histoire.
Tu ne peux pas oublier mon nom
non plus, c'est comme chuchoter "bonsoir".
Je veux oublier comment tu prononces
mon nom, mais je n'arrive pas à me souvenir
d'admettre que tu l'as dit le mieux.
Peut-être que je le ferais enfin si seulement
tu me disais aussi s'il y a quelqu'un qui
pourrait t'embrasser mieux que moi.
Même si mes amis me coupaient
la tête parce que je pense encore
à toi dix mois plus ****,
même si le monde entier
me faisait un procès parce
que je continue à essayer
d'écrire sur toi après un an,
je me brosserais les cheveux,
remonte mes seins,
je mettrais mon trousseau,
réparer ma jupe
je me tiendrais devant une vitre et je dirais:
"Qu'ils mangent du brioche!"
mais pas après que tu aies
encore goûté à mon gâteau.
Mais pas après que tu aies
encore goûté à mon gâteau,
encore et encore...

He sleeps
I want to stay mad
I really really want to stay mad
I don't want that as much as I want to fill out my kids' emergency medical forms for school
Or as much as I want to throw away the trash from the counter
Or as much as I want to pace the kitchen floor for an hour.
Or as much as I want to lay down my arms and tell him the truth of what hurts.
Or as much as I want him.
But he wants sleep.
Seems reasonable enough.
I want sleep.