There I was thinking
I’d never feel this way again
The lost that I’ve felt
The dark places I’ve been

I came to an acceptance
That this is how my life would be
I found myself moving on
Became happy with just me

Then you came into my life
Everything about you was just right
You left an imprint on my heart
On that late November night

We each had our fears
We wondered if we were moving too fast
Be both fell in love
We said we hoped that it would last

For the first in a long time
I thought perhaps soulmates are real
The sweet words that you spoke
All the ways you’d make me feel

Your sweet lips against mine
Your warm breath in the air
You drove me wild
Running your hands through my hair

Things moved rather quickly
We spoke of tying the knot
But little did I know
That’s not what you sought

For one day you would leave
That was such a confusing day
“We can fix whatever’s wrong” I said
As I tried not to plead for you to stay

But your mind was made up
I was a little too late
To this day I question why
For that was never our fate

“Forever and always” you said
You wanted to be mine
I tried to give you the world
I gave you all my time

We were obsessed
Perhaps that’s the problem you see
Your feelings grew weaker
As you fell out of love with me

Now I’m left wondering
Was what you felt true
Or was it all an act
Simply because I was someone new

Was I just another warm body
To help you fill a void?
After everything we shared
Now I feel destroyed

“Don't you miss being in love?”, she asks.
I simmer, gathering myself  and my thoughts.

No, I don't, because I have not been in love;
Not in the manner I imagine it.
I have loved - beautifully, might I add -
But never have I been in love.

How can I have?
At my best, all I knew was to compel, persuasively,
someone into loving me -
the best possible way I knew how.
I revealed just enough of myself,
the beautiful of myself,
the parts of me that drew butterflies.

Hidden were the broken parts of me,
those which keep me awake, sleepless -
'til the moon kisses me goodnight,
in the last hours before dawn.

I am not, by any means, denying ever loving.
I have loved, blindly and beautifully.
All I have ever been good at was loving -
loving someone into loving me,
the best way possible.

But, all of their love was inadequate.
A love which always fell short of loving me,
the best way possible.

Love; inadequate:
Unable to express loving me,
unable to express themselves of loving me.

In turn,
I was slapped with sloppy efforts of loving me -
Vague inadequacies of love.
It was never enough, not remotely close,
to what I had imaged loving me would be.
It was short of ever arousing me internally,
short of wits to spiral me into being in love.

And so, how can I miss being in love,
when it has always been a feeling that eluded me?
How can I miss being in love, when in love -
I concealed the broken parts of me?
How can I have been in love when I was lonely, in love?

How can I have been in love,
when all I knew of being in love was to love myself -
by loving whomever loved the aesthetic parts of me?

Loving me has always been an infatuation -
an infatuation of the broken pieces of me,
coming together to create an illusion of a love -
an unsatisfactory love for loving me.

How can I have ever been in love when no one has known,
expressed, conjured the best possible way of loving me.
All of me.

Once more, up at the last hours before dawn -
awaiting the moon to kiss me goodnight, I tell her.

i told you today that
that i love you but
i always tell you that
so i elaborated and
told you i love you
i mean i really love you
and you ask do you mean
more than a crush you want
a future? and i thought i had
******* up majorly so i said
like i see a future with you
like you aren't just a crush
and then you said you feel
the same way and that made
me smile and i felt my face
turn so red and it made
my day so amazing and
i couldn't get the smile
off my face all day and
well it's still on my face
and am excited to see
where life will take us
and hopefully it will be together