A cold lonesome night,

the streets a desert of garbage and secrets,

crumbling dreams twisting in the air,

grey concrete oceans,

humans upon humans;

locked in cabinets.


I lie shivering under your coiled figure.

Clothed yet icy to the touch.

Dark shapes slide along the ceiling, sinking slowly into the cracks and

stains;

you move.

you move closer, arms enclosing my waist, legs entwined around mine,

lips nestled against my neck, a quick bite, a breath

before you drift again to somewhere,

I can’t find.


I wonder what you see behind closed eyes,

I wonder how the shape of my body feels beside yours,

what do you notice?

I can’t sleep.

I can’t fall into an abyss beside you and not worry about waking from it.

your eyes open.

Your hands tracing down my spine, I feel you grind even closer,

almost trying to fit my mould, take over my being, come inside

like I’m the only warm spot in your bed.

You sleepily tease, expecting me to groan as i feel you glide up my thighs

but I can’t stand the pressure.

I feel your tongue over my shoulder blades

before you move off with

a muffled sigh

a disappointment crawling along the bed sheets.


Is this not what I thought I wanted?

to feel touch, to feel desire, to feel bodies linking;

the heat of attention, the fire of lust and adventure and power over you.


but it’s empty.

there is a jagged piece open in my chest.

I think it’s where my heart would be,

but you don’t help heal it

you only

rip

little

seams

apart

into a growing hole.

I thought I could use you to forget someone.

I thought I could feel again, the way I did in his arms,

swimming in his eyes.

I need his attention again, before I feel the loss,

the prickling sting,

the pain.

why do I crave such poison?


I bleed memories of you.

I feel them trail along the carpet as I drag myself

out of that man’s arms,

into the empty night.

I feel you walk alongside me,

but you keep

falling behind.

I turn and you fade.

like you never existed at all.

And I feel the sickness climb my throat,

I feel my legs shake;

heart beat throb rolling in my ears.

why have you left me for dead?


Why are you so cold?

Do you feel?

I kiss you and you hide.

I hold you and you twist away like I’m

hurting you.

Frigid.

Icy.

Void and broken.


I have this disease coursing through my bloodstream.

there is no cure.

and It’s you.

you circulate through me, causing all kinds of hurt.

You are part of me, just like i’m the shadow you see in the evenings,

and the shadow that hunts you at dawn. The shadow of the person you

long to feel against your

skin again.

We will never lose each other.

perhaps one day I’ll be able to bottle you.

bleed myself dry and place you on a shelf, a pedestal.

but for now you stay.


Stay.

because I know I can’t live without your curse bundled tight inside me.

Stay.

because if you walked away again where would you leave me?

I miss being around you all the time
A longing I couldn't even begin to describe
That holiday with you was something else
Something I do believe I've never felt
From sunrise to sunset
From kissing your shoulders
To getting our feet wet
As we walked along the beach

Hand in hand and heart in mouth
The tide's swooshing hisses
That soothing feeling; what life's about
I should mention
I don't really like the ocean
On the surface it seems barren
Yet it can swallow anything whole
But in your company, the world, the sea and all of its untold misery couldn't really bother me

It's like the warm breeze was your love, I enjoyed it in moderation and in abundance
I miss that feeling of you squeezing me
Tighter and tighter
On the back of that quad bike
As we rode down that mountain
And in to the night
I was probably a bit over zealous
What can I say, that's what I like
To live fast and die a part of you
Would be my happily ever after

Swimming pools, night clubs, bars, restaurants, shopping, walking, riding, drinking and dining
Were all just fancy ways of saying
'Spending time with you'
In thirty degree dry heat
At the hotel in our room
After an argument or two
Recovering from extreme partying
...and too much sun
I would try to lay close to you
When even the silence screamed I love you

I will never forget it gorgeous
These memories of us I cherish

My brain is a wondrous thing. It's calm ocean waves drifting sparkles of valuable shells to the shore and tsunami storms crashing down houses and flooding eyes, soft cushiony fabric to dig your face into and sharp daggers to bleed from, a rocking cot and a resting graveyard. I am neither happy or sad. I can neither have pain or pleasure as a tattoo upon my undecieding soul. I do not live by what I feel but where those feelings take me. Moments are fleeting and identities are scarce. I am confused in a beautiful way, scattered in a gifted way, like colourful stained marbles across tile floors. I am the rage of light at day and the blooming darkening shine at night. But black and white I cannot be. My colours lie as a mess in the middle, my canvas life, my pallet the directions, my paintbrush the weapon, the creator. Many masks slip off, labels start to peel, and face paint washes away in the rain dance that is life. That is me. I am a wonder. I am unfitting jigsaws of all the things that make me think, and alive, waiting to be discovered and reborn, reshaped once again. Stardust and black holes consume my thoughts and both fill and drain my heart dry, but empty I can never be. For my soul is the universe, most unexplored, but never ending. I am a masterpiece.

I have a guru who comes to me from time to time
To teach me things I tend to forget.
Once he appeared as a wrinkled old coolie
Who carried my bag into a crowded train.
I gave him a generous fee which he did not count
And left, as I sat there feeling quite self-righteous.
Moments later, he returned jostling through the crowd
Teary eyed and hands joined to inquire in silence -
If I had made a mistake
Or if there was something else he could do?
For I had paid him far more than what was due.
In an instant I shrunk to the size of an ant
In front of this giant of a nobleman.

I am waiting for that day,
The day when everything makes sense,
So many days alone,
Too few days of content.

Waiting till my thoughts,
All my experiences,
Come together,
To feel more complete than any day before

I still taste your bitterness on my tongue,
The reality became too hard to swallow.
Somehow the days we shared together became weeks, turned into months, and then years..
I remember everything about you.
How couldn't I?
The way your forehead knotted with frustration,
The way your eyes lit up with passion,
The way you uncomfortably smiled through agonizingly awkward situations,
The way your voice got deeper when you got serious,
The way your nose wrinkled as you woke up..
And the way... the way our eyes met, followed with a smirk in a room full of people.
You always knew how to make me weak to my knees, but also back on my feet.
Because see, I might've loved you so much that I forgotten myself.
I might've swung between hope and despair in your slightest gesture..
But the intensity of how I felt for you, will no longer tolerate what you showed your love to be like. A gamble.
I thought of myself as deranged.
I mean, how couldn't I?
I didn't want to live the rest of my life without you, but I also didn't want to live the rest of my life with what you've given me.
I guess It's safe to say that the one who won this fateful war in my heart, is whomever I loved more.