I’m so scared of what you’ll do to me.
I push you away at the start because I care.
I’m all cold fingers and neck as you inch closer.
I know that giving my heart over to your hands is delicate and dangerous;
I realise having it injured by you is more fatal than another, more blood loss,
more bruises, more painful blossoms.
I always want you nearer; no one can comfort as you can,
until you turn off the lights
for the night
and all I see are abandoned impressions of you around my room.
But I need to stop you. Right here.
I need to keep you an arms length apart from me;
stop you kissing and touching me.
Not because I don’t want you;
I will always reserve a place for you, always part of my dedication.
I want you all over, from head to feet.
But I need to stop myself from falling into the one abyss
I know too well.
I need to prevent you from loving me for a time,
or at all.
To keep you from breaking the blissful illusion I conjure;
to keep you from lying to me about why you can’t love me anymore.
To stop you from taking me over.
To stop you from making me believe you are like all the others before you,
inked and stabbed on my skin like knife cuts.
To keep me from imagining you were never there;
a dream that swirls with reality where it has no place.
To ensure you don’t start picking me apart with your teeth, while I sleep,
and you begin to fade.
I don’t want to meet the same river of conclusions, fussing and moaning and
screaming about the agony as you pull me apart one final time.
Take what you need and run.
Scoop it out like melting ice cream and disappear somewhere out of my reach yet
close enough to invade me again when you need to.
I don’t need to feel this again.
With you of all people.
— The End —