She so perfect
And I’m not even perfect at all
She so perfect
And she doesn’t even mind my many flaws

I feel my shyness and quietness makes me an outcast everywhere I go
But when she’s around none of that seems to matter though

Your perfection is flawed
Just a misrepresentation of you, that’s all
You let me in, let me in
Just to shut me out, shut me out

I’m still sad from the days that you went away

I’m over you but I still have some feelings lingering on for you, it’s mostly amorous which every time I see you it seems to be getting stronger
And I know whatever you felt for me is no longer
Your hugs are short and you don’t even have that look in your eyes for me anymore which causes me to act petulant whenever you say something to me
You don’t even talk to me about HIM anymore
But I think you know it’s best not to
You found love
And I found heartache
You found happiness
And I found sadness
I knew in my heart we were never meant to be
I even knew more so that day I kissed your lips and felt nothing
I always thought we would have a deep something
I mean we had partially, but all is left now is a deep nothing
But I’m still sad from the day he stole you away

It’s been a while since you were you
Now you’re like this happy in love chick that always talks of him and buys him ****
It’s not like I ever wanted or expected ****
But it would have been nice, thoughtful of you for all the **** I ******* bought, wrote, and said to you for you to get me or write me something as a little, maybe just a little appreciation, gratitude
But nothing, nothing, all I get is nothing
So *******, all I give you now is an attitude
I guess I wasn’t nothing, nothing, not even a real friend to you
I was just some quirky queer chick who admired you and you loved that because you loved that I loved you and gave you excessive attention
****, now I see what you are, pretentious
But now I regret every stupid poem or gift I ever gave to you
So throw it, throw it all away
And leave no trace that I was a monomaniac for you
You
What makes you so special, the one I was so obsequious for
Do you remember that poem I wrote you and I said somewhere in it that my heart was indebted to you
Well it was just flummery *******
Throw it away, throw it all away
And leave no trace of my vulnerability
**** me for making myself so vulnerable to you
So no longer will I
But I really am happy for you
And sorry about the attitude
And I will no longer act like a bitter heartbroken *****
I am over it, so through
Because I still love you

When all else is lost
What is the meaning
What is the cause
Keep writing to relieve
Needing something to retrieve
Never giving up, still holding up, to believe
And achieve the ultimate in me

Oh beautiful eyes
You’re the reason to which sometimes I cry at night
Because sometimes I wake up with such vivid dreams of you and all I want to do is hold you tight

These thoughts don’t come easy
These moods don’t come steady
Feelings at unease
Even this cool humid breeze
Won’t bring my soul back to peace

Lacking the skills of conversation
Causing me so much frustration
There is no sensation

You let me in, let me in
Just to shut me out, shut me out
*******
I’m through
I miss you
You know the old you
The non-fat, skinny fitting into your jeans you
The angry sad but sweet you
The you that texted or called me every once in a blue moon you
The you that every once in a while confided in me and let me hold you when you were upset you
The you that used to talk to me, now all I get is the unspoken awkwardness you
I miss you
The before him you

Staring into your glamorous amorous light eyes
You got me all goggle-eyed and tongue tied
Is it a no surprise    
That you give me butterflies
Making me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside
I am an irascible monomaniac thanks to beautiful eyes

Three words uttered
Soft yet bellow
I relinquish into your radiant smile and eye shine
You shout out so I follow you now
My love can’t suffice when I’m so cold and down

For the torture you put me through
What my heart had to go through just being around you
You get an eternity of my everlasting tortured soul

I remember back when I first met you and around the time I was really getting to know you
I thought then, these feelings are just gonna get stronger
Well and they did
And I warned you that you shouldn’t tease a leech like me unless you want me always hanging on
I’ve been waiting here what seems like forever, holding on for a “bi” potential breakthrough
But you held your ground, until this very day straight is what you still proclaim is true
But when I’m gone will you hold on and remember me through all the gifts, poems, and dedicated love songs
The anxiety you intensified,  I claim temporary insanity
Now I’m capable of doing anything
So now I’m coming back undead
Avenging my wounded soul
Taking back the disenchanted life I lead
Taking back the heart you stole

Are connection got a little deeper and I became opened but still we never got that far
Leaving me with apprehensive yet lecherous thoughts all through the nights
But this time around I won’t let the temporary insanity thing **** me now
I gotta find a way to desensitize somehow
Because I’m still feeling like how I felt when I was alive
And I know you and I would never be
So just my lonely, wounded, undead soul remains

And you said the most beautiful thing to me and it eased my pain, semi-healed my wounds
Sometimes it’s just the things you say to me, it was like you saw me, saw through to me
And I’m a sucker for you
And it’s okay that you’re mean to me
And it’s okay that you take advantage of my generosity
And it’s okay that you ignore me some days just as long as you see me when you’re finished going through whatever it was you were going through
And how this passion and love is my everlasting suicide
Because I needed to coincide with my desire to end my emotional pain that seemed to never end
And it wasn’t like some stunt for attention
Just an expression of extreme distress that needed to be addressed
But now coinciding and annihilating an undead soul might be so hard to do
Or maybe not because it’s no fun having these feelings for you
The anger and jealousy
It’s running through all over inside of me
Because I’m just so ******* empty
Sometimes in things I could just lose myself
Even lose myself deep within you
Especially when were connected, you're focused, aware, and for me so there
But just like that, you’re gone
And I have to move on
But not without the intensified anxiety and temporary insanity

I will avenge my soul with every ******* breath and word, a painful story will be told
I’m coming back undead
Avenging my wounded soul
Taking back the disenchanted life I lead
Taking back the heart you stole
This ditch you put me in
I don’t think was deep enough
Well I’m coming out right now
You’re running out of love for me
When I go I just hope you will remember me
Because living was the hardest part
But in the end our deep connection and everything else just falls apart
Oh, I just wanted to be with you
The ******* torture I put myself through
But when I go I just hope you will remember me
Because living was so hard to do
But even when I’m not here my soul would be there to be your savior
Because within our shortcoming my pilfered heart was indebted to you and so pure
When I go will you forget to remember me
I lost my fear of negligence which had caused me great sadness, loneliness, and tenseness
Because it’s so rare unconditional acceptance
And when more distressed I’m empty and depersonalized
Now suddenly realized, I just need to desensitize
Because no one ever sees the soul inside, always worried about the ******* outside
People could be so ******* materialized
But for our shortcoming, you saw through
So for that just know that no matter what, my soul will be with you
Will be with you

Are you sad like Chris
Do you have so much anger and anxiety inside of you that you would do something stupid like slit your own wrist
Are you sad like Chris
Does no one understand you or understand where you’re coming from or where you want to be going
And how people’s insensitivity and lack of concern builds up frustration that just seems to keep growing
And find yourself stuck with memories of the good times you miss
Thinking about all the backstabbing friends that dissed
And every time they made you sad or ******
And most of them you kissed
Taking life as if it is one big risk
Sad like Chris
Unhappy with the way things are going for her
Just want someone to nurture her
Understand her
Love her
Show her
Things she could only think of, dream of
Everybody deserves a chance to be happy
No one should put their life at risk
Just because they are unhappy
But tell that to Chris

Take your favorite things,
….tear ‘em to pieces,
…holding that which you love in your heart.

Stir them up ‘in-si-ide,’ wear ‘em, release ‘em knowing now just, -who you ‘ar-are.’

A secret box ‘in-si-ide,’
Cherish, believe them,
…holding that which you love in your heart.

A special place inside, stirring, increasing and now you’re building your heart.

So take your ‘fa-vor-ite’ things,
….tear ‘em to pieces,
…holding that which you love in your heart.

Stir them up ‘in-si-ide,’ wear ‘em, release ‘em knowing now just, -who you ‘ar-are.’

A secret box ‘in-si-ide,’
Cherish, believe them,
…holding that which you love in your heart.

A special place inside, stirring, increasing and now you’re building your heart.

chorus
And now you’re building,
AND NOW YOU’RE BUILDING,
And now you’re building your heart.

So take your ‘fa-vor-ite’ things,
chorus…and hold that which you love in…
So take your ‘fa-vor-ite’ things,
chorus…and hold that which you love in…
Take your ‘fa-vor-ite’ things,
chorus…and hold that which you love in…
Take your ‘fa-vor-ite’ things,
chorus…and hold that which you love in…

Soft spoken end*
Take your favorite things,
….tear ‘em to pieces,
…holding that which you love in your heart…

Depression is not when I attend a funeral,
And the dead have been prettied,
and the coffins have been chosen.
It is not the sorrow I feel..

Depression is not when I fail a test,
Nor is it when I dishonor my family,
Or when I make a fool out of myself that day.

Depression is when I laugh heartily with family,
And chatter fills the air, it's a grand time!
But hell.. Is it hard to breath.

Depression is when I am alone and at peace,
And the clock ticks and the ink drips,
And suddenly I am suffocating in my thoughts.
Like a deep sea of worry, stress and negativity.

Depression is when my body is stone,
And every move feels like I'm dragging tons.
And so, I shed black tears.

It is when my thoughts are in blots.
It is when I am inky.

~ M.M

Here I am bleeding again
Taken aback by mortal fear.
                     Staring at faith
                   Staged by hope--
Pouring rain on visceral cage–
               The sound of deep
                       Calling to deep.

Repressed feelings buried by time.
Epitaph reads on the forgotten grave:

"Here lies the child now grown.
  His hopes and dreams
       Dashed to pieces.
  This is where the child died."

I often hear the Mystic Keeper
        Calling from night
And tradition calling from artificial light

As I run through scorched barren
                          Fields of doubt.

Walking barefoot over these coals
    Crouching low
                   To hide my eyes

As I run    
         And as I hide    
  From what has already been revealed--
The tombstone says it all.

When I am out on the water
Lost in the Channel fog
I often see fleeting glimpses of
                White cliffs of hope
Like the white cliffs of Dover
Shining on the edge of Melancholy Sea. 
But they often turn out to be
Withered white
     Seeds of religious platitudes.

      And then there is the ready reflection
Of the looking glass
        That often tricks the beholder.
For in it truth is not seen.
What is seen is graffiti of soul
       Hiding the crumbling
                         Cracks of age–

The threshold where
         Sanity meets its end.

Isolation has become
       A shining steel blade
Cutting deep
    Into the heart of hearts.

Nothing lives after amputation.
Depending on emotional prosthetics--
Phantom pain
                  When nothing is there.

But in the midst of these devastations
I am learning to take--

     Howbeit reluctantly--

The hand of trust and grace.
Allowing
            Hope to build
      A fortress for dreams…
Set boundaries better
       Than no control at all.

I don't know how to let you go,
or love you as you wish,

Please just help me,
I'm begging you,
Just help me,
do one -
or the other.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

Am I the only one that has their demons feasting upon their souls?
They say it is easy to tie a noose around your mind,
To overcome the urges and temptations of ending your life with a suicide
They don't know the true pain and torment that is going on in my head
An epic battle that leaves me with restless nights in bed
"End your life already" they say, as they prey on me during my weakest hours
Sometimes I give into the voices, carrying the sharp blade to my wrist
Crying as I struggle to mutter three powerful words that keeps me going
Choking on my sobs, my lungs deflate with a desire to say that God loves me
I try to convince myself that God is trying to test my faith
And to just wait, wait and wait
Then my Demons will eventually go AWAY.....



~Imperfect Desire **