Awoke to find I’m too much today.
My sides too soft
My steps too loud.
Less space around, too much within
Voices thought dead resurrected today,
Voices thought gone come back to speak
To remind me that I am too much again.

Dating someone with trauma and an eating disorder
Is sometimes dating someone who you
Can't touch
Or
Can't see
Or
Is constantly hidden behind
Shield
After
Shield
Because why should you see the inner working of their mind
If it’s something they’re afraid of themselves

Opposite you at a table
Is a wrong place to be.
I would rather sit by you side,
Where I can hide.

With my back against the wall
Is better
Feeling solidity,
Less vulnerability.

When we are facing
A shyness arises.
Complicated
The past replicated.

My Fathers table,
Long ago
When to speak?
To young to know.

it dimmed my light
it made me lie
it made me say things
i would've never said
it made me wish that i was dead
summing up everything, i'm barely alive
i'm nothing but a walking frame
i never have anything left to say
all my interests are consumed
by keeping track of my intake
keeping track of my weight
keeping track for my sanity's sake
but that's one more thing to keep me awake
and i don't know how much more of it i can take

Have you ever eaten so much
you got queasy or worse
found the porcelain god in your clutch
cursed yourself as dumb and perverse?

It’s really no joking matter to me
as now I picture myself there
pitifully low on bended knee
in need of an earnest prayer:

Lord, may I never again return
nor forget this impulse that brings me low
lead me to a more worthy food and learn
to shout to my ***** craving: Whoa!

I looked in the mirror and saw some stretch marks on my stomach
At first I was upset
How did I let myself gain so much weight
I need to start running again
I need to eat better
These thoughts swirled in my head and I froze
Staring at my stomach with stretch marks
Turning back and forth to get a better look
Later while it still was nagging at the back of mind
I started to think of everything I’ve been through in my 19 years of life
How strong I’ve become
I use to keep a thin figure by working out and eating barely anything
How much I tried to stay popular and have “that look” all girls wanted in High School
Now look at me being strong and eating whatever I want
I truly am proud of myself and my figure
And my stretch marks on my tummy is only proof of how much I’ve come along.
They are my stretch marks of strength

~Emma Rose

Look at yourself

Squeeze any fat you have

A pinch

A handful

How much is too much?

What really is fat or skinny?

Victoria's Secret "Love My Body" campaign shows seven svelte models while Dove's "Real Beauty campaign features an array of 'Real Women' with curves in all the right places 

Both campaigns exclude most body types and show major problems with society

One shows plus sized is okay is only okay if you're plus in the right places

The other proves skinny is king

These are the standards we set for little ones to abide by

With a small bust plus wasn't an option

So I turned skeletons into goddesses 

Prayed the would teach me how not to need

Worshiped hipbones over pizza

A tiny waist over lunch

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

Yet todays media forms computers in the minds of children to count calories as thought food were merely numbers

I learned how to purge from a pro Ana website when I was nine

Stuck a toothbrush down my throat and forced up dinner

Turned to laxatives at 12

Learned ill was okay if skinny was the side effect

Today I look at myself

Squeeze any fat I have

A handful

A pinch

How much is too much