Dear Nikki at 5,

I wanted to write to you today
To honor our 500th poem
To honor you and to honor
All of the pain you've carried for us
I think of that one night
Maybe the first time you wrote about your feelings
You were so hurt and angry
Emotional energy like a current
Electrifying your entire system
So you found solace in your words
Scribbling onto your magnetic sketchpad
Letting the anger rush through you
Concentrated energy through the pen
I am so proud of you for coping that way
I know you felt better afterwards
Written words tend to alchemize our energy
Firing ferocity into calm
I respect your instincts
To translate your pain into art
It was beautiful until your peace was shattered
Our mother found your writing and
Instead of discussing your pain and anger
She took your words for gunshots
Ripping apart her already low self esteem
So she sat you down on the stairs
She was distraught and upset
She told you that your words hurt her
That your feelings caused her pain
That you were bad and wrong for writing them
Instead of considering your emotional state
Instead of even asking what was wrong
She loaded your shoulders with shame
Forced you to carry the burden of her pain
A child responsible for the emotions of an adult
You took on that task and couldn't have known
That doing so would internalize that responsibility
That you would forever feel at fault
When anyone around you felt pain
She taught you that your feelings are bad
That your inner workings are inherently flawed
Your emotions, your wants, your needs
Normal pieces of your humanity
It all became your greatest enemy
And your most intense fear
I am so sorry that she didn't hug you
I am sorry she didn't tell you it's ok to feel
You deserved love and compassion
You deserved to be taught that
You are not defined by your feelings
She could have taught you that your choices
Carry the truth of who you are
That you made a beautiful decision that day
To write out your emotions when
You could have acted them out instead
I want you to know that I am so proud of you
That your feelings were real and valid
Your feelings matter, every single one
I am so sorry I spent most of our life
Shaming you for being human
Instead of celebrating your sensitivity
I reinforced and added to your burden
I blamed you for every broken thing
And turned you into a target for pain
You deserved to maintain your childhood
You deserved respect for your humanity
I am sorry for the time it's taken me to learn
After 20 years I finally understand that
Your feelings matter and your heart is good
You will no longer carry this pain
I will be the parent that you deserve
Thank you for sticking with me
And thank you for leading us here

I love you little one
You have always been enough

With love,
24-year-old You

dolma walks the earth
touches loves honors people
she is a mountain

i was laying there
doing nothing just let them
help me here i am

We all have our ways
Of staying afloat.
We may be in the same storm
But we are not in the same boat.

The conversation lasted into the
long tooth hours of the night.
She read her textbooks and then heard a mouse with its tail barely caught in a glue trap. It squealed as if it were dying. In my heart I believed it was savable. In the agony I imagined him dreaming of fields and insects and seeds.
She had these cold gray eyes.
In one quick movement, she took off
one of her clodhoppers and smashed its brains out. She cleaned her shoe with a tissue, she said, I neither hate the mouse nor love it, it's just a thing.  At that moment I was pretty sure she was psychotic.
We're both drunk, I kept watching her *** in that tight  black dress.
She said in a very automated voice, I suppose you want to **** me now and then slithered out of the dress.
***** is *****
But I couldn't do it. I told her to put her clothes back on and not **** anything on the way out.

We are solutions and sources..
Much like a strange sunlight..
We're odd with so many symptoms..
We may be falling apart..
We may feel powerless.. We are not..
We are who we are..
If we breathe, compassion is still immortal..

Only way to see truth is to not be part of it
All a lie needs to be real is acceptance
Our world is falling apart. Your money?
Its a lie that is killing us
We drown in economy, in overconsumption

You never take a big enough step back
You let history be an eternal truth
You never question validity..

Open up a history book
Our main problem is..

You actually do question validity..
But only do so in unified global dysfunction..

Without ever even noticing it..

Wars still exist
Conflict still persists

People seek to protect their family
Never knowing they contribute to crime
As a result.. I even lost mine..

Humanity is simple but..
Money creates our complications..

Humanity is killing itself
Just look out your window..
Or turn on a TV..

We're trying to survive the chaos we built..

Chaos is Hell yeah but.. It is not to blame..

Why do you focus only on its symptoms?
Trace the sources of negativity backwards..

Why do you bask in such a Strange Sunlight..?
Some rays real with some rays fake..

Your demeanor became a mask

I'm sorry but its just simply true

Next time you shed a tear..
Its directly due to an entire humanity in fear

The world is truly falling apart..

You never investigated the right question
This isn't an outcome of pure possibility
Because we slowly built it into a certainty

We never even knew..
There is no seeing now.. not anymore..
We may still be able to change it but..

Far too many only need to perceive a crime
To swiftly judge it..

Remember.. Symptoms and Source
Solve one.. the other will dissappear..

Now humanity is almost out of time..

I want to survive and I want to be happy..

But.. this chaos is a symptom..
Its source seems to remain unnoticed..
Or ignored due to being truly unpleasant..

Don't hate the messenger..

You should have expected this..

I should have too..