My Wife looks like she's pregnant but she's just fat.
People have been congratulating her and she hates that.
My father yelled "Woo Wee!" because he thought he was going to be a granddad.
But when he thought she was pregnant, she saw red because she was so mad.
She shaved his head bald and then she beat the crap out of him.
And when others congratulate her, she does the same to them.
Half of the people in my town are wearing bandages and they're bald.
She makes people pay because being pregnant isn't what she likes to be called.
People run because I'm living in a town that has been gripped by fear.
She did the same thing to a man that is done to a bull to make it a steer.
Please don't ask her if she's going to have a daughter or a son.
Because if you do, she'll get ****** and you will have to run.

When I asked my wife what I was getting for Christmas, she kicked me in the *****.
That wasn't what I wanted for Christmas, that wasn't what I wanted at all.
When she kicked me down there, she said "Merry Christmas, mother f*".
When it came to choosing a good wife,I really blew it, I sure was a sucker.
I learned that she had taken out a million dollar life insurance policy on me.
It was the night before Christmas and my wife put rat poison in my tea.
But I had already found the insurance policy and I poured the tea down the drain.
I had the ***** committed, she'll be wearing a straight jacket for Christmas because I had her declared insane.
When she kicked me in the nuts, it gave her pleasure when she saw me fall.
When I asked what I was getting for Christmas, I got a swift kick in the *****.

Let me tell you about an experience that wasn't great.
I would follow women around the grocery store and ask for dates.
Every single one of them said no when I asked.
Getting a date turned out to be an impossible task.
I had some particularly bad experiences because some of those women were married.
The paramedics were called several times and when I left the store, I had to be carried.
The husbands had hate in their eyes when they attacked.
The single ladies cussed me out and gave me hard smacks.
Because I bothered the ladies, I was finally asked to leave the store and I was also banned.
It looks like I won't be having *** any time soon so that means I'll have to use my hand.

I'm sat here quietly, eating my tea,
My dog is here also, staring at me,
She's just had her meal, so why is she looking?,
She munched at it happily, while I was cooking,
Her eyebrows are raised, and she's sat bolt upright,
She'll raise her paw lovingly, poor little mite,
Or is she just greedy, and wanting it all?,
I should banish her from here, into the hall,
The both of us staring, with gazes so bold,
And while playing this stare off, my tea has gone cold........


(C)eileenmcgreevy@ymail.com 2019

Back in the nineties, a video game was made that was called 'Mario is Missing'.
But the game was changed, the original title was going to be 'Mario is *******'.
In the game, Luigi has to find his brother who is taking a ****.
But they learned that people would've been offended by this.
They changed it because it would've been offensive to watch Mario ***.
They changed it because that was something nobody would want to see.
In addition to seeing Mario ***, people would've seen his tiny *******.
And Luigi would've laughed because Mario's ***** is only half an inch long.
Luigi would've belittled Mario and he would've laughed until he lost bladder control.
People would've also seen Luigi **** because his brother's **** is smaller than a tootsie roll.

It was Halloween night but I had no candy.
But I did have an air rifle and it came in handy.
Because I had no candy, some punks started vandalizing my house.
Just because I shot them with my air rifle, people called me a louse.
I pumped the air rifle ten times and shot one of them in the *****.
The **** juvenile couldn't walk back to his house, he had to crawl.
I put pellets up their ***** so that a valuable lesson would be taught.
Before they vandalize another man's house, they will have 2nd thoughts.
But the cops came to my house and I was the one who was placed under arrest.
Apparently it was illegal when I shot them in their *****, ***** and a girl's left breast.
Sadly, shooting the girl was an accident, I shot her as she was walking past.
After I got out of jail, her dad paid me a visit and put my arms and legs in casts.
There was a valuable lesson that those juvenile delinquents learned.
I shoot people who are vandals, that's why none of them have returned.

Some agree with what my brother did but others don't understand.
Something bad happened and he decided to cut off his right hand.
It all started when a boy played truth or dare with our stupid nephew.
When my brother walked outside on his porch, he found Blu-rays of the new Doctor Who.
He picked up the Blu-rays to throw it in the trash but it had been covered with Gorilla Glue.
When he saw that it was stuck to his hand, he started screaming and he knew what he had to do.
His doctor examined him and said the Blu-rays were stuck to his hand permanently.
It could never be unglued and my poor brother knew what he had to do immediately.
He knew if he carried around those Blu-rays, people would think that he likes the new Doctor Who TV Show.
He couldn't let people think such a terrible thing and he decided then and there that his hand had to go.
He couldn't afford surgery to have it amputated so he used an axe.
He closed his eyes and it was severed after he gave it two whacks.
Our nephew owned up to being the one who pulled the prank.
It wasn't a nice thing to do and the brat sure wasn't thanked.
Our sister is mad because our brother and I got revenge against her son.
When we were through with our nephew, people would point and make fun.
We posted a picture on Instagram of our nephew putting rolled up socks in his underwear.
He had a nervous breakdown because the humiliation was too much for him to bear.
When my brother chopped off his hand, some people said it was a stupid thing to do.
But it was worth it to prevent people from thinking that he likes the new Doctor Who.