The first time I actually saw him
My heart raced.
Then it was a date
Then it was a trip
Emotional abuse became my potion

The first time I saw him
He was just another guy
That guy told me it was nice meeting me
He thought that was goodbye
Then he saw me again
He told me he would never like me.
He said no three times in one sentence
Now he smiles and looks or my eyes in full rooms
Says be safe, and long time..... like he cares.
My ego reminds me  he said no

The first time I saw him
He  was just another guy
Then we argued a lot
Then he started saying things like I'm his half
That  I'm the love of his life
Talking about babies and   ***
But he touches me and all my senses are awakened
He holds my hand and it fits perfectly and when I try pulling away,
he holds it down tighter

Yesterday  he used my phone to text himself
He said I love you so much
He has shown it.....
He has never said it though
For me to believe it, I need to hear it too.

I guess I have been tired for a very long time....
maybe it was the first time  I decided....
that I did not want to live anymore.....
or the next....
or the other few times i thought about it
but didn't do anything about it.

I am practically a big ball walking
with all these things weighing me down
and dragging me to accept and go underneath
it kills me yet still....
I am still here, stuck...
caught in the middle and not going anywhere

I would give anything to wake up,
break free.... start over..
clean slate and all..
all these memories and feelings
only remind me of who I am
why I should not be here anymore....
no where feels like home enough for me to want to stay....
isn't it weird that at this age?
I do not crave anywhere and no one I know?

Yet that is it...
I'm a blank canvas
empty....yet too full of white.
it tears me apart every day
not knowing which person I will be when....
I'm scared of being....
I am tired....

I am looking for fast love
the kind that touches me and tingles spread
the kind that smiles and I can not not smile back
the kind that laughs loudly with me over funny stuff
or holds me tight on cold nights
or just because he can
the kind that gets matching tattoos and stays
the kind that kisses me with need and want
in between ice cream with cold lips
or on hot days when we think no one is watching
the kind that makes breakfast with me on weekends
in pajamas or just his shirt
we can watch movies all day with his hand over me
small or deep kisses anytime whenever
calls to say they miss you because they did not see you last night
eats out of the box and drinks wine from the bottle on lazy nights with me.
says they love me sincerely and I see it in their eyes
I do not know how long I have got here.
so a fast love is all I have time for
meet me, hear me, know me, understand me and love me quickly
a fast love is all I have got time for